BOXED: IS ANDY DICK A DICK?

President Bump: *trying a foreign Dominican accent* baseball has been very very good to me.

Ukrainian President: you know this whole thing has been the #1 Comedy in my country for weeks now on tv. and i know comedy! Putin is a great stand-up!

The White Spy and The Black Spy from Mad Magazine hold shoulders together and walk determinedly right up to the President. of Murica.

Bump: i'll only talk to White Spy.

White Spy: oh no, don't you divide us again! we come in peace. and unity. not cool, bro, not cool. i mean talk about hitting us when we're down! we're still shook over this institution that has guided the youth of America to be snarky to their parents for decades now---really coming into our own during Woodstock---this thing that has always been on news shelves suddenly coming to an end and soon millennials will only know the Mad Jr. show on Cartoon Network!!! and then YOU have to insert yourself into every burning trash heap like you always do. safes are for big black balls with a lit birthday candle on top.

Bump: news stands?

Black Spy: insert being not so much cos you have a small one. and i know 'em.

Bump: what, you're safe, it's just Black Spy who'll get dealt with. this is why it hurts so much that De Niro hates me, i'm a fan.

Black Spy: we have temporarily suspended our civil war permanently. i'm an ally to White Spy now that he's come out. and told you this. you know, instead of hanging me you could give me a fate worse than death: send me back in time to sharecroppers' times and let me earn a living. hear me this, you big fat bully:

WE SHALL BE DRAWN AGAIN!!!

Saskia Maarleveld: when do I become a Female Power Ranger?

at Alienstock, Dirg leads Laertus by the coattails:

Laertus: god damn it's still hot in Autumn! fuck this! get me inside! not inside a spaceship tho!

Dirg: hey, show some respect to Codrus, man! you're just a man! you are so vain, you take things in vain, you need Stephen A for you to get talked.

Laertus: come on, bro! why are we out here in the middle of a desert on a school night!?

Dirg: we out here! bro, when you refer to college in grade-school terms, i cringe. there them aliens in there, in that silver canister way out there, see it beyond the mountains through the haze? the government---at the behest of the whistleblower no doubt---is shutting us down cos they don't want young minds discovering the truth! you can't stop the next generation, we are armed with smartphones!

Eye Luggage: OMG! is that Mulder!!? i can spot Mulder anywhere in the world in a second, i have that sixth sick love sense about him.

the trio saunter up to the sweltering shelter with the sheet-metal doors blown out. there, cringing, gasping for food, is a disheveled Mulder with his face painted black.

Mulder: from all the ash. it's not...that. don't look at me, i'm hideous! i'm not the psychosexual casanova you knew before! i stopped a nuclear holocaust. but now i'm broke. man, i didn't think the recession would hit me in Hollywood, you know? i might have to change my vote. i REALLY need for X-Files to come back!

Eye: want me to kiss you to make you feel better?

Mulder: thank you, i get that a lot, but i have someone for that.

Alice Little squeezes out of the tiny hole in the kitchen---which is really just a sink in the bed.

Alice: Foxy Baby, you promised!

Mulder: what?

Alice: well i look like Scully, don't i? come on, you said we're in this together. you're not paying me for my services so you better get me the part! i'll go solo on yo azz and do my own reboot if you're not careful, buster!

Mulder: i love it when you talk '30s-Vegas.

on the other side of the painted desert, Aron Eisenberg softly kisses the hand of Malissa Longo. Malissa kisses his part of the body where his kidney is like he's pregnant.

Aron: well, it was a good life. but it's quickly upon us now. you made it what it was, i was nothing till i met you.

Malissa's tears evaporate in thin air that's how hot the desert is at night.

Aron: help me put the fuel in the tank, babe.

Malissa and Aron spend the rest of the night putting egg nog in the tank and readying the rocket.

Aron: hurry, before the sun rises and there's no more stars. i am ready to go to the stars forever.

Malissa: i need to go, too! i am NOTHING without you!!!

Aron: what? well...…...okay, you're right, the journey will be more fun together! let's go! did you pack my face sunscreen?

the rocket takes off...as it reaches the stars, it explodes in a giant balloon firework of eggnog as a flying cart comes out of nowhere and crashes into it.

Bump: OMG DID YOU SEE THAT ON TWITTER!!? that was fucking awesome! *he makes the devil-horns with his small fingers* now THAT is MURICA!!! THAT IS mETAL!!! and i don't even care that the dude was Mexican or Jewish! now THAT's following my orders if you want to live here!

Danny Dimes: *trying a New York accent for the first time* eeeyah OMG this is so awesome, i feel like a New Yawkee now!

Eli Manning: fuhgettabouttit yous, they only drafted you cos you look EXACTLY like me!

Baker Mayfield: you know how i know we're gonna win it all this year? my hot wife's already outshining me for the Oscar. like LeBron. i bake pretzels. we come from the streets, from Hellish Kitchens. and our endzones are literally the Burger King colors!

Bump: yeah look, i stopped Colin from joining a team cos i want to have him as my only black friend, my only friend. i love Kaep, i want him all to myself.

Bump walks down Abbey Road with Boris Johnson. they walk side-by-side and their hairs touch.

they go across that ominous Bridge and into the Tower. to meet The Queen.

Doryce and Gladyce: don't worry, loves, we got this. The Queen is our #1 Spy from HomeCountry!

Bojo: so, um, can you, like, choose which way the UK is gonna go here?

The Queen gets down from off her throne---and the Downtown Abbey Road she was watching on her little purple velvet armrest secret black-and-white tv that slides off and on---pulls down Bojo's pants and spanks the hell out of his bottom.

The Queen: did you do the homework i assigned you, Bojobo? you will FEEL MeToo!!!

Bojo: NO, mummy, stop hitting me! i'm getting childhood flashbacks that aren't nostalgic! i've been busy of late! but i am ever so much a good boy! i'm a good boy!

Bump: i don't get it here. btw you should thank me, Boris, for taking vacation time to come see you.

Bojo: you're just here to beat the heat, as in escape the heat.

Bump: when we walk down the street as a band of thugs, why don't the people fear us and separate into Moses sea waves? why don't YOU fear us?

The Queen: love, we're used to mad kings around here, you're nothing to history. the people see a band alright: Flock of Seagulls. you two have matching hair!

Bump: hey, my hair is like a mane, i am manic. i am a lion, a billion years of tiger DNA made the kitty.

Greta Thunberg: why do we need to go to school? what's the point? i mean September's always tornado season in the Plains, why not wait till NBA basketball starts?

Bump: are you stalking me all around the world, little girl!?

Greta: yes, globe...…...globe...

Gladyce: so we're here in Bitchfield…

Doryce: haha, gotta love it! all done with your shopping, lover?

Gladyce: almost, gotta get my Special K.

Doryce: as long as it's not Keto, that's the Devil's Diet. diet culture is ruining culture like Cancel Culture. you know i figured it out, it's not that special taste of iron of the Special K's special bumpy flake shapes that gets you hooked, it's the aesthetically-pleasing shape of the box. it's not quite a square, not quite a rectangle, it's a long rectangle, it changes depending on which side you look at it like a witch's mirror.

Doryce: did you do the salt? did you put the salt in the drains to clear the drains?

Dirg: yeah yeah. this salt is made by Morton, the same company that does table salt! they're differently-shaped crystals. with that girl on the cover in the yellow slicker and umbrella who looks like Greta Thunberg. i admit, i'm starting to warm towards Greta---not making fun of her anymore---but those online showing me the error of my ways are making me uncomfortable.

Dirg takes a lick and swallows one.

Dirg: delicious.

Madame Pons: that may be hazardous to your health. just like women's crystals to find love! pieces of the heart, that proves it. i am so mad right now having just got off the smartphone with my sister! she makes me so mad!

Sue Su: *livestreaming from Colorado Springs* what up, babe?

Madame Pons: oh it's nothing. it's everything. she tells me i need to cut my hair cos the drains at the Treehouse are being clogged everyday with my long-hair strands! they needed to drain the drains and it cost 400 bucks! to clean out a year's worth of MY hair! i told her my hair were like the Tree's branches! i mean I'M the one paying the rent around here, i should live how i want! i swear i have a mind to...

Sue: hey, come over to the Retreat site, we're all waiting for you. see? see this great big giant white bed with no pillows behind me? it has your name on it!

Madame Pons: you know, i think i'll just take you up! i have a few vacation days from LUSH, i need to burn some negative energy. decompress and digital-detox. my sister tells me to stop with the Reishi shit as she calls it. well i'll show her the best Hollywood actresses are Reishi practitioners on their break, not waitresses anymore!

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: oh how Joaquin Phoenix's whole life changed when he decided to hop a ride on a nautical parade...like the same way Ferris Bueller crashed a random parade…

Laertus: can we discuss the Geico commercial first?

Dirg: nothing wrong with it. laundromats are very vaporwave.

Laertus: the poor fat woman tells her story of how she was able to match every item of her clothing and all the socks into pairs at the laundromat. and won a rare award for it. problem is, the woman in the recreation of her life story is decidedly thinner, prettier, and blonder than she is. i mean come on!

Eye Luggage: is Andy Dick a dick?

Dirg: yes, but i'm thinking Larry and i differ on details. just the points, ma'am.

Laertus: in retrospect, you have to wonder. really wonder. i mean the bizarre behavior. not on Dr. Drew, on Conan, when he was dragging Ivanka Trump by her shoulders and ankles to get a lick of her face.

Eye: i believe it was Paris Hilton but they're the same girl.

Laertus: he was the one who gave her the drugs, the drugs which made Phil Hartman's wife break and go over line and limit and snap right as she was recovering and almost fully-sober again.

Eye: how sad is it that she's just referred to only as Phil Hartman's wife, this woman has no soul of her own. did she ever? was she ever born?

Laertus: and then you look at poor David Strickland and that situation, Strickland stricken with having Dick near him. hookers and blow. did Andy give him the drugs on that fateful bedroom night in Vegas? would David still be here today? bedroom sheets, beds are supposed to be comforting, no heavy comforters that you can't breathe. a bright star dimmed too soon. the guy's responsible for a lot of death and destruction in his wake even if it's secondhand, i'll never listen to "Praise You" the same again.

Dirg: he's a sniveling little idiot but still who gets into a fistfight with Jon Lovitz? like who makes Jon Lovitz ACTUALLY mad? not playacting sarcastic angry? for me it's just...well, Andy Dick is straight and...he just doesn't look like he'd be straight…

Eye: poor Mo from Mad Tv.

Laertus: at the same time, he's---what they say in Hollywood---talented, the dude's funny as fuck, it comes and springs forth from him living life on the literal edge...

Eye: Under the Mountain and go.

Dirg: yes! you know the deal, the past, the nostalgic past, when men were men, women were women, and children were children. when two small kids could sleep over at an old man with a white beard's house alone at night just the three of them and nobody cares. for hours, days, no missing-persons report filed.

Eye: they're not small defenseless kids, they're magic twins!

Laertus: there's Christmas in New Zealand, right? Christchurch, right? Santa's a creepy dude, right Dirg?

Dirg: i love that the fat boy drinks Fanta, the Nazi drink. learning early.

Laertus: i love that the teenager drives that buggy. it's Wacky Races in real life!

Eye: i love that the boy stands up for the girl and won't take shit from grandpa! he fends for her even though he doesn't have a leg to stand on cos he can't do the magic stuff as well as the girl, hahahaha!

Dirg: see? atheism screws everything up! you gotta believe! that boy can't afford to sit down, he wouldn't be able to get back up. i love that it's so '80s. with the family going on vacation climbing volcanoes in the tightest of tighty-whitie shorts, those were the days of short-shorts in the NBA!

Eye: that ginger girl is so cute, despite everything, i can't deny. her smile and blush are so innocent. she's a Pippi Longstocking reject and i love her. she has a crush on the teenage boy, it's obvious.

Dirg: let's not get into fraught family dynamics on this show. i mean this thing is brutal, do you know any other kids show that would kill off the teenage boy like that? poor soul. he was destined to play Ken with that speedboat of his. oh well, he would have just ended up like David Cassidy...

Dirg: NO special effects at all, just glowing lights pasted on, yet it maintained its creep factor. the whole thing is unsettling.

Eye: i know i've always said that i'd do anything if the Munsters were my real family and i lived with them like that blonde. or even as a green despite the hardship. but these bog slime-people are like if The Munsters WEREN'T happy-go-lucky! a pig-fuck force for good? and what's up with the slides? indoor slides? is this Monty Hall's house?

Dirg: see, humanity are murderers, it can't be helped.

Laertus: Blobs need to have fun, too. and WHY OH WHY did they have to go and make the film remake? is Sam Neill really that hard up for work? he needs to clear his reputation after everyone in the world hated him after The Piano.

Eye: speaking of, bring it home for us with Wristcutters: A Love Story.

Laertus: whimsical film, brilliant film, dangerous film. first of all that title, it's just hard for me to say, write, type, and imagine, don't like doing it. but you know, this film kinda comes close to normalizing suicide, like it's just another thing like mowing your lawn. tho it is brilliant the scape they come up with, that all those who "off" end up in this kind of dingy purgatory where no one smiles and it's just like our life but slightly lesser lower frequency.

Dirg: based on a brilliant graphic novel you guys should all read. about a pizzeria i want to work for with no turtles or rats or shredders, just slicers.

Eye: Shannyn Sossamon...

Dirg: ...is that girl at the party who you THINK you can get cos she's not the dumb blonde but realize you still CAN'T cos you're not smart enough for her.

Eye: she's the girl with that special sauce in her soul. she's the girl who ACTUALLY lives the goth life without having to wear the goth makeup. cos it would ruin her perfect face. and body. she's the girl you want to know what she's reading and you read all those books in one night.

Laertus: i was hoping they wouldn't actually show IT but they did, i had to look away, shield my eyes,  i'm squeamish about that sort of thing.

Eye: …

Laertus: no, not YOU, Eye, dear!

Dirg: Eugene the driver is the best. he tells it like it was back then with all that 9/11 anxiety we had. not racist aganst brown people...

Laertus: you had. just those with tans, right? based off Gogol Bordello...who basically started the whole white-nationalist music thing, right? i mean i know it was meant to be a joke with the Pasqually accordion and everything, but it's all right there beneath the lyrics. all these sadistic movements always start as jokes...

Dirg: i just go to concerts for the concertinas. that's where Google got their name...

Laertus: okay, it was funny when the kid who loses the soccer match wants to off and the big brother says he has the Meaning of Life: a slap to the face...which is about right. okay, i know this isn't PC, but i'd never off myself for Leslie Bibb, sorry, she just doesn't do it for me.

Eye: Mikal, she actually represents many suicides, they interviewed suicides who weren't successful on CNN and All of them, ALL of them, said they regretted it and wanted to live and would live again if they could. none of them actually wanted to die.

Dirg: i was hoping the People In Charge wouldn't be angels but fallen angels. and why did it turn into a Power Rangers Death Match in the desert all of a sudden? i don't need more cons in my life. look, Eugene is right about black guys. when the items started going straight up into the sky, i thought about that Existentialist Rotoscope film. now Rotoscope's making a comeback on tv, Ralph Bakshi is rolling in his grave. didn't they stop to think that maybe they weren't dead but on drugs?

Eye: Eugene ends up with the REAL Nanuk of the North and film history once again eats its own tail.

Laertus: surprised Bjork's not on the soundtrack. okay, the Zia/Mikal love scene---well, makeout, kiss, hug, should have been a sex scene, a real sex scene. if you're gonna show death at least balance it out with some love. i wouldn't have minded these two naked on the bed of used condoms and exposed needle-spikes, it would all fit into the macabre weird unsettling nature of the place they were in: the sex shouldn't be straightforward, it should be fraught like this, uneven, uncomfortable, messy, not quite beautiful a little uncertain ugliness thrown in there on the pile.

Dirg: you can't really separate your soul from your body, right?

Eye: well you can, but if we did there wouldn't be any more blogs and podcasts. i love Zia's desert speech, so heartwarming and heartbreaking, when he wishes it was all a dream and the attempt was unsuccessful and he'd wake up in a hospital bed, we've ALL had that dream...

Laertus: sorry Dirg, but European cars are just more filmic than American ones. especially when dusty.

Laertus: the scene at the end with the cataloguing in the warehouse is very Cigarette Smoking Man, first episode of The X-Files. hot take: Zia actually died in a car accident…

at the con:

Dirg: i don't know, buddy, they're taking over, they're taking everything, they're coming over the wall in droves. i'm trying to get some heartland food again. stuff from the farmers, from a farmer in Kansas running for Senate. and all i can get around here is carne asada.

Laertus: bro that's a Chipotle.

Dirg: i'm starting to lose it, man, the walls are closing in on me here. i need to escape but i don't know where to go. i told a random girl here that i liked her tats, that's code for you want to fuck her. she didn't notice me at all, like i was invisible in society. i don't get it, it works on Instagram.

Laertus: yeah, i know her, she works at the Chipotle here, she's in that commercial, the one with the one with the purple hair who doesn't use a microwave cos she's the good guys. she's the good guys, Dirg, what does that make you?