Friday, October 4, 2019



* remember when Roseanne spit after the National Anthem?......jus' sayin'...

* Babe Ruth: you know why they call me Babe, kid?
Bryce Harper: don't you DARE drag my son into this!!? you can make fun of me if that gets your balls wet and you paid for a ticket, but don't you DARE disparage my innocent sweet Heaven-bound boy! go on, make fun of my '90s mohawk.
Babe: i was just gonna say...cos i was like a big kid or something...
Bryce: NO. you look like a girl, that's why. you're pretty. you're Pretty Boy Floyd. you look like a chick.

* Rotoscope, Ralph Bakshi is spinning rolling and turning in his grave...

*  Ferris Bueller: hey kid, you're skipping school to watch day baseball like me, too, huh.
hangdog kid with glove chin against the railing: i'm so depressed. they gave out the last Eeyore plush. what's this skipping? that's girl malarkey. i'm playing hooky. ever heard of it, mister? that's when you get read books to by women in lily boas on the top floors of saloons.
Ferris: what's your name, whipsmart kid?
kid: Billy Crystal...

* Jesus: what up, Judge? you haven't been playing well of late. without the home run you're nothing.
Judge: hey, who said you could be back here?
Jesus: just sanding your bat. i'm a carpenter's son. you know i try not to judge based on looks, but you look like if Derek Jeter HAD juiced. your smile is creepy, you need to see a dentist stat. here, here are some baskets to help you in love.
Judge: hey man, only one man can judge me...
Jesus: yes, me.

* it's faster...younger...
young Barry Bonds: WOW! this game is awesome! i can't imagine me barely able to balance myself on my bat during an interview when i'm an old man who needs a big black couch in my San Fran loft and a girlfriend/hooker.
Bernie Sanders: believe it, kid. all you kids think about is stats! all I think about is stents! don't you think your father would be ashamed of what you did?
Barry: i didn't want to. but how do you compete when your competitors are cheating?
Bernie: i've asked myself that very question. look Bonzo or whatever your name is, just drink orange juice, okay? the little glasses, that's the secret, the little pancake-house little glasses of oj.
Barry: mister, you're racist.

* it was better back then. remember the Expos? they had the BEST uniforms. now they're in Washington where everything turns to shit.

* Stephen Strasburg: you need to get a better doctor's note. i was able to get out of the entire preseason on the team farm.
Clayton Kershaw: if i don't win it this year i'm gonna need a doctor, a funny-farm doctor like Gary Gulman went to.

* Cy Young: wait, was i the racist or was it Ty Cobb?
Ty Cobb: am i just Cy Young in an alternate universe? we have the same name.
Mookie: yo man, you need to learn a Latin dance when you bomb one. on stage. you need to have a friend named Mookie, your life would be better. you need a friend who rounds the bases like a spider. who picks up a base after stealing the most, declares himself the Greatest Who Ever Lived, and tosses the microphone burying it in the sand. you need to LIVE, man. live MAS.

* the kids are here, it's their time now, whether you like it or not.
no, grandpa, don't drink that! it's not almond liqueur! it's Old Spice aftershave!
grandpa in leather folding couch: i can't live in a world of millennials using their Cancel Culture decoder rings to ruin baseball like they did The Joker!

* Vin Scully: when i die, i will replace God. it's This Week In Baseball...
ESPN: let's go back to Sports Machine!
Phoenix: i get my news now from some livestram podcast of Manafort's son in a rainbow beanie hat with a twirly-bird propeller on top but there's a conflict of interest cos pops still represents Pistorius.
Vin: son are you taking the greenies again?
Phoenix: marijuana?

* Alex Rodriguez: Russians play baseball. they play ball. i was the only American reporter allowed in to cover the Ukrainian Baseball Team. they mostly play in the mine fields so no one sees them. except Prince Harry who published a newspaper article on them. they were SO disappointed when it was me and not Jennifer Lopez they spilled out the rest of their vodka on the grave of their hopes.

* A's: well that sucked. no A's/Dodgers series like it was in the '70s. isn't Moneyball supposed
Fernando Valenzuela: i felt bad cos i could never grow a mustache like Cheech and Chong. so i grew glasses instead.

* Commissioner of Baseball: good news, everyone! the winner of the World Series will get not a ring or decoder ring but a cheese pizza and root beer at the arcade! and TWO tokens for Pac-Man! oh what the hell, make it Ms. Pac-Man! the beer with the real FROTH! and tho we are an all-white team, we will watch Roots together after the pizza party as we sit our behinds on top of the paper table...


happy weekend, my babies, enjoy the Divisionals! i only watch baseball NOW when the games ACTUALLY matter. there's a chill in the air, the baseball is filled with a ball of anxiety and sorrow, of tight longing energy. each pitch takes so damn LONG to be thrown, the tension in the air is colder than Fall.

TOMORROW: carne asada from Chipotle. on the side. as an aside. have to since i wrote about it in my story. but i've never had a bowl from Chipotle before. i'm scared.


Bathwater said...

I never watch baseball. Shouldn't you be watching soccer? I don't think John Goodman was the best Babe in the movies.

the late phoenix said...

I LOVED the Women's World Cup. but it won't be a total victory until Megan Rapinoe hosts SNL...