* don't worry we're bypassing the rap to kids about how sugar is so not cool and instead of soda buy a fizz machine for your water. when you go to college in 13 years. too bad and get over it.
* Christine Lahti: too bathroomy…
* Christine Lahti: hi, i'm TV's Christine Lahti. i'll be your hostess this evening. if you have any questions, go to the bathroom.
* oh you ALMOST did the hands with the sunlight peeking through thing that ALMOST constituted a Taco Bell Boyfriend.
* fat yogess: what? don't you give me credit for improving myself instead of staying home the rest of my life? i can show you new techniques.
thin yogess: Downward Hippo?
fat yogess: you know in other cultures fatness is a sign of wisdom. they call it heavenly heft.
thin yogess: i mean are you even ALLOWED to be in a yoga dojo? no i'm serious about that. at least water all the plants around you. not by going to the bathroom.
fat yogess: they're ficuses, right? they don't need water, right?
thin yogess: a little sodawater. and freshen up the lilypads by dancing on them.
* orange leotard: hey red, you're too skinny to be a wrestler!
red leotard: Hulk Hogan was twice as skinny as me as a kid. and he grew up to make a sex tape! my secret weapon is ballet! and i'm a Communist! imma win in the end!
orange: try to flip me like an egg mcmuffin, son.
orange: you were just distracted by my orange leotard! it looks like cheese!
* male nurse breaks the hand of the elderly man he's trying to rub on to comfort and heal him.
elderly man: FUCK YOU
male nurse: sorry, pops, i don't know my own strength.
elderly man: why aren't you working construction!!? where are your dimples? have you ever thought about becoming a Power Ranger?...…...oh, last one got me depressed again...i suppose you can't rub out my depression with a caress?
* Asian Judge Judy: what the fuck is this? you can't handle one woman judge so i have to be flanked by two old men? what is this, a Power Rangers Halloween special?
Judge Judy: remember my primetime special? it was exactly like the daytime show---two cases---but it was at night on CBS. and had different scenery of courthouses and naked-women statues with swords and gowns. and at the end there was a little stinger about my grandkids. it only happened one time. which makes it rare and special. a true special. it was like My So-Called Life...
* Phoenix: why didn't you have kids?
Helen Mirren: that's personal.
Phoenix: but YOU were meant to be a GILF if anyone was!
Helen Mirren: want my high heels? i'm afraid i'm gonna trip. i ain't getting any younger.
Phoenix: but you get sexier the older you get. sure. but why are they green?
Helen Mirren: they take you to Oz with two heel clicks.
Phoenix: isn't that red?
Helen Mirren: they give you gangrene on your toes before you go. look at me: i'm Andy Warhol Slash. i'm what Andy Warhol would have looked like as a woman. i'm Andie Warhol.
* Divine: do i really have to eat dog feces for art? it's a tough world out there, kids.
kids: Ms. Divine, why are we flying like a bird?
Divine: cos kids you have to know when you have to fly away from a place, you know?
* black girl on horse: what's a matter? surprised to see me on your horse, you illegal horse trader?
cowboy: no ma'am, it's just......do you play for the WNBA or something?...
black girl: i won't snitch on you to the popo if you do one thing for me that ain't sexual: take off that stupid red cowboy hat, makes you look weak. now tie your own arms together with this lasso...
* painter: i paint with my mouth.
Michelangelo: what dat mouth do. sorry, inappropriate. look you're an inspiration and everything, but imagine having to paint on your back...again, sorry.
* OKAY THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE ONLY COMMERCIAL IN THE WHOLE OF TIME TO REFERENCE ANYTHING INGMAR BERGMAN
i mean you don't exactly see Saraband being used to sell toothpaste...
CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK
happy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW: so when they say Limited Time they don't mean they only sold the McRib FOR ONE WEEK, RIGHT!!?