TMIT: WAITING FOR INFINITY TRAIN FOR INFINITY...

1. why are you single? cos nobody loves me

2. why are you married or in your current monogamous relationship?

that's a little trickier. running a country is hard, takes up a lot of your time. but sometimes the people hate you---you got no love---and it's better to just leave. the stage and the country. plus that frees up time to get into other relationships via text. like, relationships with reporters, that's vital to a good reign.

like Rick and Morty teaches us, the Country, like Science, well, she's a Lady that'll buck you off her good graces before you have the chance to know her. there must always be time for reeducation. for watching Do The Right Thing again, really watching it this time, especially that fraught ending. for never counting anybody out with a ten-count, especially 40-year-old boxers. for going over your old I Love Lucy tapes, to be better, to see a better Ricky up on that screen, to sing like Ricky, but more importantly, to dance like Ricky...

3. is polyamory something you want?

only if it's put on the soundtrack of my life. only if Breaking Benjamin dedicates an original song to me about me at a concert i'm too religious to attend.

i remember watching the leader of Breaking Benjamin sitting on a raggedy couch being interviewed on G4. i forgot his name, so i'll just call him The Ben Titan cos dude's really tall. he was going on about how he wasn't a gamer---on G4---so there were a lot of awkward pauses. then he opens his mouth to reveal that weird jewelry he has on and in his tongue. i never forgot that, and he became my favorite person that day. it was just such a jarring visual, you know?, this man who is otherwise so cleanshaven with the preppy haircut and beige loafers and then he has this snake thing in his mouth.

4. what is the gender of your best friend? female...if i had a wife...which i don't. i have two best friends: Pearl from Steven Universe, who has no gender but is the strongest woman i know. and i love her voice, it's so lilting and storybook. and Lucio Rossi, if you're out there, Lucio, let's finally have that pizza at the birthplace of pizza...China...but then we can go afterwards to Italy to check out your pad on Mount Olympus.

5. what do you think is the worst thing about being male? i ask myself and contemplate on for hours this question daily during my morning meditations:

am i a sex addict? or am i just a man?

BONUS: why are you sexy? cos my love, shirt, Milan, New York, Japan, your party, disco dancing, my car, my hat, my cat, and this song left me.

my poor pussy. my poor little tush. i just wanted to be a model on the catwalk, but my cat looked at me with a sad look in her cat-eye and told me pointblank i didn't have what it took.

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