notes:
* o that i could live a life where during the long dragged-out hot dog days of summer i could while away an afternoon by the fan just watching Roman Holiday from beginning to sticking my hand in the slit of a stone something i shouldn't to end…
* ...but i'm afraid our country is turning Roman, no time for bird sex...
* not the rap song...or the sundae flavor...
* man: is it okay for me to date you in your backwards backwoods small town?
woman: i'm moving out and moving on. but i'm not sure you'll like me.
man: *holds her by the two arms* i LOVE you, never doubt that. we're gonna be the hippest couple at Harvard since the Love Story duo. and i DO know how to play ice hockey...
woman: it's just......i'm kinda weird......i only kiss with my nose...my mom was a seal...
man: and i am Seal's son...
* lacrosse player: why you laughing?
lacrosse player B: cos i remembered you were a joke i mean a joke you said.
lacrosse player: what was the joke?
lacrosse player B: i don't remember. and don't call me B. are we Division I or II?
lacrosse player: Division Zero.
lacrosse player B: what's TS stands for?
lacrosse player: too short. like your labia. i'm not sure i'm a lesbian, we were just having some fun this summer, right?
* you remember this delicate piano liede, right? your grade-school music teacher in the plaid fuzzy sweater and pencil-thin mustache taught it to you in the '80s. in that room with the green shag carpet that was never meant to be a music room. you didn't know it back then, but your music teacher was having an existential crisis every day before work, he clenched his fists and his asshole right before entering the room in the morning…
* girl: does this ride spin round round?
boy: is that a jibe at my taste in music? i'm not '80s cool like you. with the Jem hair dyed blonde. i wear a plain plaid shirt, is that okay with you?
girl: yet you couldn't name one grunge act.
boy: i like lumberjacks. but it's not like that!
girl: at least wear the cool Radiohead shirt i bought you at this fair.
boy: radio?! who listens to the radio anymore?
* girl on swing: wake me up when all this ends...
* coworkers at lounge: hey!
female worker back turned: hey! thanks for the warm welcome. i get lonely when i'm in a city i don't know, being a stewardess is hard on the psyche. what'd i miss?
coworkers: you're fired...…...this is good news, now you can go back home.
female worker: does anybody know how to fly a train i mean i'm taking the train. i'm in no hurry.
* soldier: give me a hug! i missed you so much.
wife: Iran...
soldier: there's no Holiday Inn in Iran...
* man: thanks. i just really wanted to recreate Fooly Cooly. the sequels were disappointing.
woman: i thought we were recreating Roman Holiday. you know you might want to lay off the anime for awhile and expand your repertoire.
man: okay, we rode past the underpass, we can stop now. thanks for indulging me. is it weird that you're my sister?
woman: no, but you really do need to get out there again...
* next up are a series of sequences where you don't know what the joke is...inside jokes are evil.
* Lassie dog: i can talk to this little black girl...it's just nobody ever talks to me...talks to me seriously...
* dude cousin: why'd you shave your head?
lady cousin: not funny, even though i'm laughing. we're in a ward.
dude cousin: i was in Sela Ward in my dreams. i have to distract myself somehow.
* THERE'S JOKER LAUGHING GAS IN THE COFFEE!!! DON'T DRINK THE COFFEE!!! TOO LATE!!!...
* we're finally free to love...out here in Kansas farm country...where out parents will never catch us...on account of the corn maze...
* glasses: you know the funniest thing? these Holiday Inn scrambled eggs are 500 bucks a pop.
glasses chick: i mean they taste like scrambled eggs.
* lead singer: we got signed!
bandmates: amazing! we're gonna be the next Cranberries!
lead singer: not cool.
bandmates: oh...we just thought...your pink hair and everything…
* woman: it's really coming down! thanks for your jacket umbrella!
man: honey, i've got something to tell you...don't look back at the plant...this isn't rain...
* mechanic shoves another mechanic playfully:
mechanic: okay, it's a million dollars for the carburetor but we'll call it even if you get out your toolbelt...
* twins: who are these candles for? me or you? wait i'm really THAT old? i thought it was for the two of us!
* Diane Keaton: can i please stay in this club forever? i really don't want to go back to my trailer and call Woody.
* grandpa: get off me, hornet! oh, it's my grandson...
* girl with braces: i'm drowning!!!
chaperone: we're just doing the swimming dance, dear, don't actually plug your nose that you can't breathe...
* contractor: *laughing* i own you.
construction worker: *laughing* i built the Pyramids...
* grandma: oh how sweet.
granddaughter: what was in the coffee tin with the bow, grandma?
grandma: air.
* thanks for the big hug. this is the wrong airport, i have no idea who you are. the world should run like this...
Pink Power Ranger: i need a job...
* don't laugh too hard or the glass will break and you'll fall ten stories.
* honey, don't roll the kids down the bowling lane.
husband: i never played sports...
* help me exercise, sister, pull my hammy straight up till my crotch reaches my nose, this is rehab.
* old sorceress: The Joy Luck Club was a comedy to me...i got my centuries revenge on that club for the generations…
* customer: you have it?!! i've searched the globe!
antiques dealer: last one in the world.
customer gives antiques dealer a bear hug.
antiques dealer: you just crushed it into fine powder. it was in my sweater pocket.
* is it the lighting in here? why is so gloom and doom? like there's an eternal grey magic mist fog outside.
* woman in labor: this is your child, daddy, you know the rules in this country...
* prom:
black athlete: so my best friends at the end of the term are an Asian babe and a nondescript white guy. we beat the odds, fam. we didn't let anyone or any algorithm control us. tell us who to like. tell us who we could love.
Asian babe: and we still have the limo for one more hour. are you thinking what i'm thinking?
black athlete: guys, we earned this night. four years of good grades and good results.
white guy: JENGA!!!
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happy weekend, my babies
SUNDAY: when you wake up it'll all be over...unless they go to Penalty Kicks...
TOMORROW: gonna have my proper 4th of July BBQ meal: the Rodeo Burger from Burger King. never handle fireworks with your barbecue-slippery fingers...
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