Friday, July 26, 2019



* go back and listen to the Intro of The Chronic album again...right? me into cigarette papers and Michael Jackson impersonations

* can you believe it's been this long without Nate Dogg? i always thought Nate Dogg secretly played the rich Uncle on Fresh Prince of Bel-air

* they were watching an unaired commercial where the guy agrees to give up to his wife his walking closet full of the latest Zion Nikes full of those billions of air pellets like the stars in the galaxy

* friend: what happened to you?
dude on couch: too much weed i mean i'm just tired.
friend: what do you do?
dude: i'm a professional shopper. i watch QVC for my job.
friend: can i borrow your comfy pants? i'm teaching a yoga sesh at the crack of dawn.
dude: *fist bump* my man.

* friend: who's that a picture of in that portrait?
dude: grandmama. he stars in a lot of movies.
friend: what have you been eating? there are dirty dishes everywhere on this carpet!
dude: Little Caesars pizza. you have to buy two of them or they won't deliver the one. i need a wife.

* friend: i'm gonna save you as if you were the woman. like they do in the movies, over my knee.
dude: there is no such thing as gender.
friend: there are bullets flying everywhere, hitting your toaster.
dude: toasters are obsolete. everyone cooks their bread over an open fire now.
friend: I GOT SHOT!
dude: they're just mini blueberry muffins.

* friend: we need to watch sports NOW with the fellas.
dude: you mean at your mom's house?
friend: i got Golden State Warriors Season Pass!
dude: meh.

* friend: a neon sign fell.
dude: it's a sign.
friend: your microwave exploded.
dude: that was your love for me.
friend: we're going to a magical place...a place called Buffalo Wild Wings...
Director Phoenix: cut.
friend: dammit!...sorry

* Tom Cruise: what are you watching?
sleeper: ah! you scared me. just Poltergeist.
Tom: your baby-monitor is fine, we NEED to hang out with dudes!

* Tom: it's 8PM on a Saturday…
sleeper: yep, time for Toonami, i'm ready.

* sleeper: are you gonna pay to fix that massive hole you caused?
Tom: only if you pay for the surgery for my leg.
sleeper: wait how is this possible? when you spray it, the spray goes upwards.

* wife: wait, bring back potato skins.
Tom: that's an oddly-specific request. does she mean just the skins off potatoes? or like those Tato Skins chips that are now discontinued? you guys have THAT kind of marriage, huh. like me.
Tom: what's with the swans in the painting?
wife: two roast beef foils from Sarney's.

* sleeper: you know, you're a personable guy. if not for the Scientology stuff you'd be at Keanu levels of universal love.
Tom: did you see the new Top Gun trailer at Comic Con?
sleeper: why isn't Kelly McGillis in it?
Tom: she's fat.
sleeper: why is Anthony Edwards in it?
Tom: he plays the emergency-room doctor who saves Goose's life.

* i like the Old Spice Timber shampoo, but the Volcano shampoo is still my favorite.



happy weekend, my babies.
TOMORROW: Reaper Taco Bell. we're skipping through the Montezuma's Revenge and going right for the flavor is so magnificent you'll die.

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