Wednesday, July 24, 2019


the Dalai Lama wearing a brown robe and Jack Dorsey wearing nothing but surfer sandals are swinging away on a shooting star sitting together their legs swaying in the celestial eternity.

Dorsey: whatcha thinkin' about, doll?

Dalai Lama: son, i try not to get angry, but i have an issue with you. even tho you are my child celestially-speaking. i mean, you lump me in with Alex Jones? you put me on the same plane as Alex Jones? you think i'm just like and another Alex Jones?

Dorsey: brah i don't control it anymore. it's all the algorithm. i have no idea what's going on at any moment. let's talk about cheerier things while i still have you i mean while we still have you. want some Cheerios? want a pizza with everything? you can order both those things on twitter.

Dalai: you like to surf, my son?

Dorsey: i trademarked the shaka sign. many people think it's the Naruto buttplug.

Dalai: my ocean is bigger than your ocean. my ocean is the stars.

Pence nervously paces the carpeted halls of the Cream House.

President Bump: take a load off, Mike. not like that, don't go to the bathroom. i mean have a cold one on me and sit down in front of the tv like you're my four-year-old.

Pence: sir, i just don't know anymore. a lifetime of service and dedication to the One Church. and after getting mixed up with you and doing a fuckload of illegal immoral unethical hateful stupid dangerous and unconscionable things to little children, i'm shitting here thinking that Jesus at the Pearly Gates won't look at my record from before, and i will be duly elected to be sent to Hell.

Bump: relax, Pence, there's no Hell, you're living in Hell right now. i mean your illegal weighed against their illegal, it all evens out, right? i have an in with the Boss, i'll let him grant you lenience. there actually is no such thing as credit, China owns all the credit cards. my mouth is full of suds, i'm drooling the fizz off my dribbling chin. i love how you make love to your mother, i've always wanted to try that with mine, maybe then she'll come back to me and return me my red handball with the thumb smudges. Hilary was the only blonde i never liked.

at the Mueller Hearings, Bob Mueller is itching for a fight and ready to tear Members a new asshole.

Mueller: just the facts, ma'am.

Marianne Williamson on the rotunda: well thank you, yes sir ye Bob, Ye as in Kanye, you know you're the first person today to acknowledge me in the halls that i am in fact your President. i survived being poisoned in Ponsonby.

Mueller: i am not twisted in knots, my heart is. the country is. JONATHAN TURLEY IS A TURD. he's jelaous of me. cos i get all the shine and he still thinks he's smarter and more handsome than me.

Jym Jordan starts screaming in Mueller's good ear using his microphone. Jym tears off his white wifebeater shirt and no tie, gets up on the conference table, and starts dancing like a monkey.

Jym: *scratching himself* ooh ooh ooh ooh. i'm a gorilla. i'm the master gorilla of the jungle's kingdom.

Mueller: sit down, bitch. who do you think you are?

Mueller turns over the table, strips off his shirt to reveal only the tie he's wearing, and throws Jym up into the Michelangelo painting of the upper inner rotunda dome.

Mueller: there's your cold dome. you know bananas were the first boomerangs. are you not entertained? this is what the world has become. we're all just cavemen and dinosaur dames in suits. we're forever spear-casters and spear-carvers. we haven't evolved one bit. tho i did prove evolution was correct. why do you spell it Jym? with a Y, why?

Jym: i forward the rest of my time, my head is not in the right place right now.

Mueller: you think you're pretty clever. all you have to do is yell and carry on and you think that's acting tough. Marine Ranger Hall of Fame, son. you're a terrible actor. you play on jungle gyms, with a Y. i know everything. you know what Stonehenge REALLY was? it was the first parkour course for the Druids in their brown robes to practice on. i know i will win cos i have the testes of the promiscuous chimp, the biggest testes of them all. YOU have the smallest testes, the testes of the monogamous gibbon.

Jym: i need the Evangelical vote or i have no job. even 15-an-hour is not suitable for my lifestyle.

Mueller: you're way up there, pal. you're where you always wanted to be, Heaven. you need a tie, son? wanna borrow mine?

at the British Open, Shane Lowry is trying to hide his Irish accent as best he can once he sees Angelina Jolie in the press-conference crowd.

Shane is giving the press the tour of his house, lowering his eyes:

Shane: so this is Dunluce Castle. the windows once had lace and the Donnybrook was a river. this used to be our home, until it became just a foundation. of stone. this is where the Druids used to train for their parkour tournaments. that was a time before gold, LONG time ago. we were poor as you can see. County Mayo, that's what we need now, we all need to get together and eat a couple of mayo sandwiches. just mayonnaise and bread, no meat, one potato for the whole family. we need to hash out once and for all or live with the mistake of a thousand years. tho there's no potatoes for hash browns. this will finally solve this whole Northern Ireland-Brexit thing. i want to make it clear as i speak into the microphone that i play for Ireland. that's it, just Ireland.

at the Golf Channel newsdesk, the boys are missing one boy, one man. the panelists put on their suits.

the hoity-toity guy: hey, where's David Duval?

the Australian with the rugged accent and boomerang: after that round of horrors he had at the British Open, he was forced by the suits to quit his job here. his putter AND his life let him down. it was historic, historically bad and awful. and historic cos it was the first time a former British Open champion had such a godawful round. i mean hole.

Mina Kimes wth a blue butterfly in her mouth, Papi, and Dan Le Batard sit around another newsdesk critiquing that newsdesk:

Le Batard: daddy...

Mina: haha! he said daddy, *points at Le Batard* HE did it, folks, it was HIM, he is so full of SHAME.

Le Batard: that hurts, Mina. i know we make fun of you hard here on this show, but we do it out of love. we do it cos i desperately want to date you even tho you are married and we all know this splashed on your Insta daily. when you smile you look like an anime girl. like that mouth must have somehow been drawn on you with pencil. i know i make fun of your Seattleness but i'm jealous cos you were the last person to see Kurt Cobain alive.

Mina: this is true. i was in line in back of him at Starbucks...

Le Batard: i make fun of your love of dogs but that's cos i was forced at an early age to get a cat by my dad. i'm just trying to be the best hairiest alpha male i can be, my back is so hairy it has its own zip code. i try to comb it but i need a Felicia Combs. i need my own Miami matron by my side. could you see it in your tsundere heart to give me a chance? i'm not fat, i was born this way. just cos the size of my testes don't mean i don't have feelings.

Papi removes his glasses, spit-shines them with his mouth fog, puts them back on, drops his heavy accent, and speaks hoity-toitily:

Papi: son, the reason you make fun of everyone else in the world hard is you live in a deep well of insecurity. i know this cos i caused this in you. you know why your name is Le Batard? cos you're a bastard. you're an orphan, we---me and your mother Miami matron---picked you up from off the cobblestone street cos that was the only way they'd let us escape from Cuba. Castro castrated you. by putting you in the National Choir and making you sing for your supper. i am ashamed of you. a son of mine who is into sports? very sad.

Le Batard: come on, dad, i gave you a job.

Papi picks up the banana phone.

at the Treehouse:

Dirg: hey granny!

Doryce: watch it, boy.

Dirg: no, this is good news this time. i actually figured out a use for that grey cinder block that sits out back of our backyard. you know, the one that weighs a ton, literally.

Doryce: MY backyard.

Dirg: i picked it up, for like a second, and dropped it into the recycle bin.

Doryce: you idiot.

Dirg: no, it crushed all the content inside. all the cardboard boxes and unwired hangers. the way the internet does. the cinder block is a good crushing tool. so we can fit even MORE stuff in that bin! yeah!

Doryce: oh good. i'll tell Melbourne the progress you're making. next time the gardeners come, help them with that. meanwhile i added a new item to the fridge: this fiesta bean & cheese dip with Jean-Claude Van Damme on the bottle.

Gladyce: my dear and lover, you know you're just gonna stick your finger in there, get a taste of it, take one bite, screw the lid back, put it in the fridge, and no one will touch it ever again.

Dirg: might as well throw it in the recycling bin now. before it turns to glass. the bin i mean. you use your finger? that's disgusting!!! at least use a chip, woman.

Doryce: this finger of mine has crushed civilizations. can you blame me? the dip has an odd orange color.

Gladyce: shall i cancel Pappy & Harriet's, dear?

Doryce: *sigh* i suppose. honkytonk strippers have a hard enough time as it is. but leave the splash bed on top of the roof, i got a date with the Goof on the Roof there after all the cops and security guards leave for the night. that's the last Tiki restaurant-and-lounge in the world. used to be in the '60s downtown Los Angeles was crawling with them.

Eye: anime roundup and go. or adult swim roundup rather.

Laertus: yes, it was quite the aligning. Mike Tyson Mysteries had a San Juan, Puerto Rico episode this week of all weeks.

Dirg: okay but we HAVE to talk about the Linzess babe. this woman, right? she is SMOKING hot. hot hot hot hot! that butt of hers is insane! BUT i can't, i still can't, i'm forever torn and conflicted and bothered. i want to eat prunes with her so bad BUT that stray hair that gets into her mouth when she smiles at the camera, i just can't get over that. i have obsessive compulsive tendencies…

Eye and Laertus: no! shocked!

Dirg: ...each time i see it i simply have to reach into that tv screen and fix her hair, remove that stray strand from out of her mouth or it's not perfect. such a shame, i mean they only make one size of jeans for that butt of hers when she has to ride her bike across mall town.

Stephanie Niznik is now a Titan. she walks heavily yet lightly across the white hilly valleys of Everwood forever now. but she is still lonely.

Maria LaRosa: well met, fellow naked traveler. are you lonesome tonight?

Niznik: it's just, i never had a family, no husband, no kids. i feel i missed out in life.

Maria LaRosa: yes you did but we can fuck if that'll make you feel better. girlfriend i feel ya, i know what it's like to be on tv, the pressures are not ripe for childbearing hips.

after their makeout session, four new snowcapped mountains form in the ridgey coastline of Everwood.

Maria: oh hell no! you see who they got to replace me? Felicia Combs! bye Felicia.

Felicia Combs combs her ass through her blue dress.

Maria: fuck that Miami matron. are you kidding me? can't they see through? my ass was all natural, baby. hers is obviously plastic-surgeried.

Goody Paul: feel you, boo. and that black man they got to replace ME was all stuttering his words on her first day. even Dr. Greg called a potential hurricane kinky instead of swirly. what a joke, they probably won't even name the hurricane anyway.

Eye: i do give them credit for hiring a heavyset plus-sized woman for The Weather Channel as well. that will really play well and read on tv with us goth girls. sexiness comes in all sizes and chunky shapes.

Eye: welp. they just replaced the fatty with the Linzess Woman.

Gina DeVecchio with a red butterfly in her mouth replaces Linzess Woman.

Maria: THAT's what i'm talking about, a good Italian. all natural, not prune-induced.

Eye: Postcards from the Edge, go.

Dirg: be honest, it wasn't as good as it could have been. kinda a letdown after all that hype building for it.

Laertus: you're right, the showbiz stuff was spot on, tho. the mother-daughter stuff, not so much. well it should have been Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds themselves up there on the silver screen acting their real lives. it was confusing, i kept substituting Meryl Streep for Carrie Fisher, which just feels wrong.

Dirg: you can't substitute Jesus unless it's a transubstantiation Big Little Lies wine glass and quinoa triscuit filmed right here in Obec Woods.

Eye: Mike Nichols in his infinite wisdom actually got an audition from Debbie Reynolds but told her she wasn't right for the part. isn't he considered a brilliant director?

Laertus: okay so the opening, i had a spidey-sense that it was a movie. i mean the Contra contra helicopter and straw huts and everything, this was peak Reagan Years of Good vs.Communism.

Laertus: and the "mother" slip in the dialogue, that is LITERALLY Freudian.

Dirg: just like "coke...a Cola". that was the first time that joke was ever used in the movies.

Eye: i had the exact same experience when i overdosed. except it wasn't an encounter of the third-kind that got me out of it. i dreamt of a hammer in Heaven...

Laertus: i am so sorry to hear that, my friend. the backstage catfighting is very well done. the fact that at every turn the starlet is being secretly sabotaged by her understudy and set crew is right on the money. infighting does most pictures in, not running out of studio money. or a cheap relative. every family has at least one criminal in the family.

Dirg: when she had to stay with her mom, i thought this was gonna turn into Three's Company. Streep's rehab roommate in the piece is Janet herself. btw, what happened to the Janet actress? she's one of those actresses who gets that big part in the big film with Meryl Streep the god herself but somehow does nothing else of import.

Laertus: buddy-cop film with mom. and a pre-whitestrip-teeth Dennis Quaid.

Eye: their fight was pretty boilerplate. it was weird seeing Meryl all flustered like that.

Laertus: she wasn't flustered from Quaid naked in the shower, that's for sure. the one bit of absolutely brilliant writing was the scene where Dennis Quaid is confessing his love for Meryl. Dennis wants to express real emotions, but Meryl thinks it's all acting cos her first instinct as an actress is that everything is acting, which presents the moral dilemma of the film: can an actor actually find love? how can an actor ever believe emotions expressed to her are ever real? how can she ever know for sure?

Dirg: i love the fact the man falls in love with her the instant he sees her up there on that silver screen, love at first sight, i related to that, that's happened to me. everyday. you're watching an actress do her thing on tv or at a theater, saying her lines, and she looks into the camera, and she's saying those lines to you, those things to you, only you, and you fall in love with her from afar, and it's just the two of you together in this relationship. that's the moment, that's when you know this actresss must be yours, that's how i fall in love most days.

Laertus: Conrad Bain decidedly not as rich, more earthy and homey, less skyscrapery. and is it just me or is the grandma younger than Shirley MacLaine? Shirley MacLaine in this reminded me of that fated faded actress from that Twilight Zone episode, complete with jeweled cashmere head-covering. here's where this thing falters: it's the old adage: show, don't say. they missed an opportunity to bring it to life like the Mueller Report, make it a movie not a book. the incident where the mother---Dirg's favorite---exposes herself by lifting her skirt to the daughter's 17 17th-birthday party boys, that should have been RECREATED! that should have been an actual scene! that was the linchpin of the whole movie, that's why she started using.

Dirg: that and she was an insomniac as a kid but who isn't. without insomniac kids there is no Instagram.

Llywarch: you know, Laertus, all these four years we've been communicating through Instagram, it's as if we've already been married for four years…

Eye: and the weird way Gene Hackman swoops in and saves the day with his strong arms. too father-knows-best lecture for my tongue-ring taste. the patriarchy saves the day.

Dirg: hey, an actress's life is blessed, you have to concede to the Christian God.

Laertus: and of course, it ends as all films during that 12-year-Republican reign did: all resolved at a country-western honkytonk prominently displaying the American flag.

Dirg: i enjoyed their sing-off. i like hearing about has-beens. i like hearing women discussing the inevitability of death.

Laertus: and the escape from the hick hinterlands. very interesting the timing, Rob Reiner is depicted here as perhaps the real Rob Reiner Carrie Fisher knew? which coincided with Carrie being in When Harry Met Sally?

Dirg: there's no doubt that tub of lard is a sleaze.

Laertus: goddess bless Carrie Fisher, she was able in real life to escape the shadow of her mother.

Dirg: and enter the shadow of the Dark Side. and then she reentered her mother's shadow cos they both died at the same time...

Laertus: you know, the whole time i was expecting this to be a road movie. like it would be the mother and daughter on a road trip in their sunglasses and white bonnets collecting postcards.

Eye: don't bring up flat earth, Dirg. i agree with you, Larry, like a Thelma + Louise for mothers and their mothers.

the girls are getting better at making twirling and organizing pretzels. they stand on either side, spin it around their little fingers, and work together to form the crease and the twist and the knot.

Sinphony: i got the batter! i'm gonna batter.

Velvetta: and i got the dough! we do it for the killing.

Cotard: it's the only way to make a pretzel: cooperation. togetherness.

Sinphony: where is everybody? why aren't the villagers giving us a warm welcome and standing ovation?

Velvetta: most of them are dead. 75% of the population has been wiped out. but we can still save the remainers.

Sinphony: how?

Velvetta: you'll think of something. the pretzels are magic but they need even more magic in them. i'm thinking stuff it with cheese. and douse it in mustard. yellow is my favorite color. and tallow is my favorite flavor.

Sinphony: i want to pour hot cheese down Codrus's throat.

Cotard: no, no, never feed the pretzel to my brother.

Sinphony: how about filling the pretzel with medicine? herbs and stuff. i've already inserted rocks into the pretzels which are helping to heal the remainers. little rocks called salt.

Cotard: yes! brilliant! like the ultimate edible vial! a drug with no trace. let no one be left behind. the village is filled to capacity with dead bodies everywhere, it's stinking up the joint. i feel like i'm on my death bed as well. we're exposed out here on this country road, we're sitting ducks.

Codrus: why don't you come back to my place? i have a bed.

Cotard: dammit! get behind me, satan, and girls!

Codrus launches an invisible power attack forcefield with the perfect launch angle trying to pluck off the girls but Cotard blocks it with all his might: the last of his strength forever.

Cotard: *exasperated, jowls swaying in the forcefield wind* GO GIRLS! i can't hold this forcefield forever!...

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