TMIT: ROMEO IS BLEEDING

...i wish my teacher had sent me this back in the day. i needed an encouraging riposte back-note. i was always getting collared for passing notes, but i had to write, i was a burgeoning writer full of so much energy my loafered foot was constantly tapping the school-bathroom stucco wall. also, Valentine's Day was always a red-faced occasion when nobody in the class got a valentine from anybody...and everyone would be in their separate corners eating all their mom's purse chocolate...

1. have you ever sent an intimate photo of yourself on accident to the wrong person? yes. it was when i had an accident in class. they made fun of me and called me Yellow River. first time i ever got a B+ in anything. i rushed to the stucco school bathroom and a picture of the accident was taken. for insurance purposes. I've never lived this down, embarrassed forever, why i became a writer. to cope...

2. which of these is a caring gesture you'd appreciate?
a) lover pre-heats or pre-cools your car before you go off to work
b) lover initiates or consents to a sex act you've been wanting to try
c) lover surprises you with a mini-vacation or getaway

i have a new Italian lover. caldo means hot in Italian, it's just not fair. also, there's a problem. two problems actually. i have no car, never have. and my work consists of thinking in my room...

she planned a nice getaway for us to get away and reconnect after our hectic schedules. well, hers. she planned to go back to the Old Country to see her weird uncle Perillo from Perillo Tours. she mentioned Mario and i thought it was the plumber. apparently he's buried in a Venice canal somewhere and was made a saint recently by the pope. the Darth Sidious pope. she talked of a "mini-vacation" so i was like, "for how long?", and she said "one hour in Italy." Perillo had bilked her of her family fortune. we broke up so she could concentrate on getting her James Bond revenge.

3. office romances---hot or not? i was the only person on Planet Earth who ever loved David Brent. not even David Brent's mother loved David Brent. i got him a tie for his birthday/Christmas cracker. but when i saw him dance for the first time, that was it.

4. to find a romantic mate would you rather use an online dating site or a matchmatcher? only if mine's Graham Norton singing "Matchmaker" from Fiddler on the Roof off-Broadway. it's gotta be off-Broadway cos that's harder. not East End, North End where it constantly snows. he has to perform the song while physically being on top of the stage roof, the roof of the building outside in the snow. while a White Walker dances up there with him...and becomes a White Dancer...the new Michael Jackson...

5. think about this: in a current relationship (e.g. romantic, friendship), are you clinging to past good times and memories or are you still having good times and making new happy memories? what relationship, if any, is it time to let go of?

my relationship with my priest. we used to have fun together. we used to have breakfast together every Sunday...until i realized it was always pancakes...and he always asked for money afterwards...

it's time for me to let all that stuff go...

...that's what my psychiatrist keeps telling me...we go out to Denny's every night after our sessions...

BONUS: have you (or your relationship) survived infidelity? yes. i cheated on her. cos i cheated myself. i wasn't living up to the 19th-century ideals of loyalty, brotherhood, and romantic love espoused by John Milius. i didn't actually cheat on her, you see, i simply watched Conan and my mind got all messed up. i had been a Spielberg/Lucas fan for so long, and it took a decade to realign and reassert and reset my mind back. if you mix it up with the USC Mafia, once you throw hands with them, you never go back. a double-bill of Amblin' and THX 1138, i had to hitchhike to the cinema house with my thumbs whilst listening to a Nine Inch Nails soundtrack. luckily, The Reversal of Richard Sun was shown and shone at night during the moon, so that eased my therapy.

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