Bunim: well it's time for the gang to go on a field trip as we always do with these reality-tv show casts. it's a way to go away so the people who have had their relationships and entire worlds tossed around and upside down and reputations permanently tattered by their misplaced maladroit misinformed quests for fame and endorsement-deal fortune can come back tighter and knitter and neater and kiss and make up. and hopefully fuck. fuck in a waterfall or something by disclasping coconut bras and coconuts over dicks, that sort of thing, mama still needs to pay the bills, even though MTV is not filming any of this. make-up sex with an ex is the best sex, but vacation sex is the most scenic. i for one won't be accompanying cos my back still hurts. besides, i just need an ipad from 1994 to watch everything unfold from the comfort of my buttoned couch-chair. the crew will be there on the trip, help them up if they trip while filming your sorry privileged asses who get to go to Hawaii for free.
the first stop is a surfing cove beautifully encircled by bright blue stalagjites, the icicles which grow BOTH up and down. the water is so blue it merges with the sticks and is made hidden by an avalanche of palm trees gently swaying and made heavy by the weight of vaction cum on them.
Aaron from last season is the instructor, his Viking locks of goldenness make the girls scream and seam, and Rachel and Cory especially are interested. so is Jo but that footage doesn't get shown, Cory's interest is tempered a bit. by the volcano's temperature heat nearby.
Rachel: Aaron, what are you doing here? you're on the wrong season.
Aaron: i am forlorn. i miss Dom, Dominic said he wanted nothing to do with the show after it wrapped. we had such a good time traveling to Ireland with him to visit his hard-drinking grandfather who died on the couch. that's where he and i really bonded at that event. imagine a more unlikely mateship. me, a SoCal surfer dude with the chipped cheeks and fake plastic smile from Manhattan Beach, he the pasty-white Irishman who is in a band but not U2 and wears a black leather jacket to sleep. and had spiky hair when spiky hair was still cool. Dom didn't attend our reunion special show on MTV and left me in the lurch with an irish goodbye, all i could say during the special was how great a guy he was. i wanted to branch out creatively, maybe start a college UCLA band, i wanted to start a band called Radiohead, but it seems i'll just be a boring lawyer i guess.
the girls take to the lessons like dolphins or black swans to water, the boys not so swimmingly. it appears the boards don't work great for guys with their penises in the way, it's hard to steer. the girls have more of a shape to attach onto the surfboard and steer it with their tits. the boys start to grumble.
Judd: can you believe this? a big dickus is a liability here! i'm trying to flirt but Rachel's taking up all the oxygen, overwater.
Aaron: hey, there's nothing special with the boards. they're just boards. guess it pays to be flat as a board, down there.
second, the group try out a new technology called a zipline. it is wondrous. and completely new so the sensation of flying down a thin wire attached to the tip of a volcano to the bottom pier of a cove cave is, well, extraordinary. the sensation of air makes one super. holding onto a bicycle crank as your only savior is damn dangerous as well. one of the crew with a green feather in his soapbox-derbycar helmet tries to camera while zipping down to maybe download the vid to a sharing site or something after but unfortunately he lunges to the depths below. but the camera remains in place on the crank and saves the footage so it's a win for Bunim's online site. Bunim breathes a sigh of relief which is caught on her hot mic.
Aaron takes the trekkers outside the cove's edges to a canopy of sands heated by hidden rays of sunlight. tourists are gathering to jump in a hole in the sand, the newest path to self-actualization by tiki torch.
Aaron: nothing to it. it's like the Smurfs only underwater.
Rachel: you're cute when you speak, blondy, i like the muscles in your mouth. we'll follow you to do anything jackassy.
but Judd is having problems. he tries to blow on his snorkel but his ass is getting in the way, his farts go into the tube so he's left coughing and unable to breathe underwater.
Aaron: bro, it's all chill, just look and listen at me. do the hang-loose sign in your mind. you need to suck that pipe like it were your own dick. go on, lower your shorts, loosen the strings, and actually suck your dick. you're sucking your ass, you're talking out your ass, you need to swim with your ass out.
Judd: no, fuck this. i don't want to do this anymore. i cancel vacation, is it possible to get even angrier on vacation?
Aaron ages ten years when next the cast meet up with him for martinis and margaritas at the thatch hut. he explains he's been on a spiritual awakening that took place back at the lobby of his corporate hotel. to Puck, he looks like his long-long father.
Puck hugs Aaron by hitting his back brostyle.
Puck: dad, you gotta tell mom what you did.
Aaron: uh, let's just move on. to the journey, you like my scruffy grey beard? grew it in one day. and aged ten years in one day.
Puck: it looks caring, dad. i'm crying. on the inside so my internal organs are getting wet with rain.
Aaron: when you're riding bikes along the curbed windy molten paths of the volcano, remember that this was never meant to be a road. you're on your own and at your own risk, that is true travel-guiding right there. image in your mind that the bike is something more, more than nuts and bolts, that it can fly, like a reindeer. that's when your tires will achieve max tread. think that you are floating on those raindrops, like wispy clouds, up up up to your dreams. it's slippery when wet but also slippery when dry. it's coming down hard now, like cats and dogs, i literally see cats and dogs.
Puck: yeah those are my exes. lost dogs and cats in the rain...
the rain-soaked avalanche douses the entire Big Island with so much rainwater the gauges break, the coconut geiger-counters' wires bust, and the Big Island squeezes and wrings itself and shrinks into the Small Island.
Puck decides to go it alone and takes an unmarked map path up to the caldera of the volcano. he peeks his spiky head out to see if the crater is steaming or not. when he determines and deems it's safe he takes his bike by the handles and jumps his butt on the seat and metal-pedals and whooshes and rides and gets a running start and jumps over the crater with his 4x4 bike. the bike instantly disintegrates, his hair all falls out, but Puck makes it out of there alive with just third-degree burns all over his body.
Puck: i got my bike-messenger back!!!
MEANWHILE Pedro is in no mood. he stews and locks himself in the hotel bathroom and spends the entire vacation in a Yakult bath.
Pedro: i will engorge with any paste or liquid which has the possibility of curing or healing me. *looking down* is that my snake? this was called Turkish bath in the brochure. harrumph.
Jo excitedly pitons to the top of the volcanic crater and squaws in delight.
Jo: not squealing like all those poor pigs on spitroasts i saw on the way up here pitoned to death and stuck to the side of the mountain on spikes. this is a check in my achievement booklet! this is my first successful climb out of the lower 48. the mountains in England are rubbish, except for that one encircled-flown-over by doves and madmen dives by the cliff full of powdered cocaine.
suddenly the face of the volcano turns around and there's a face there! he has a big stone nose. he introduces himself as Olmec.
Olmec: i am Olmec from Obec, i used to be from Obec but the Dinosaur Comet came and you know, it transplanted me and transported all my raw materials to collect again here in paradise. this is where the fabled Nickelodeon Studios ACTUALLY are, that's always been a mystery, everyone thinks we film in Burbank by that watercolor fountain but that's just a front for the illegal trade racket of pixy stix.
Jo: who whoa whoa! that turn didn't bother me, i won't lose my balance that easily. you are a new life form!
Olmec: no, YOU are the new lifeform. let me make you a deal. i'm tired sitting here in this same spot for ages. study me for science and prosperity, figure out why i sneeze so mightily and violently, hardly---as in hard, not hardly---and move me with a van and crane back to Burbank so i can score. weed, not women. there are no women volcanoes, they were too hot and exploded. in exchange i'll fasttrack you to your college professors and make sure you get that PhD in geology sent to you by mail, like in two days. deal? it's gonna be a lot of intensive work.
Olmec: or no deal. sorry, reflex. and for sacrifice-to-the-gods-sake, woman, get that pickax out of my nostril.
Pam flies off the volcano, and sprouts wings! well, her prototype for the first Zelda glider used by Link first in the combined timeline does anyway. she crashes into a patch of brushy East India medicinal roots.
Pam: WHEEEEE! cliff-diving is like diving off the high tower in the Olympics. everyone is so scared of that high tower and would rather be cool and play it safe and flip 500 times with the safe spongy bendy light-green springboard, like two cholos on a springboard philosophizing about cum in Cuaron's masterpiece. here in Hawaii i have been inspired to eat more pineapple when it comes to said cum. you can do more stuff when you're not scared! there's no water anywhere so it's freeing! i'm finally feeling my Asian roots!
Mo is getting angry at the table made wth wooden swords on the hotel patio, even tho he is a ghost. vacation fatigue is affecting everyone.
Mo: what's the matter? don't you like the silver platter i laid out to serve you? with all the delicatessen delicacies and stews from my native homeland.
Judd: from Hell? that laid is played out, playa.
Mo: what's the matter? you don't like black food?
Cory: baby it's just......well, all the food is burned and burnt.
Mo: that's it. i'm outie 3000.
Mo storms out into the other room, a room completely outside. plus he's dead. but the stewing doesn't last for long. after the commercial, it CAN'T last for long, everyone has to take one last helicopter ride over the steaming caldera for some reason. last being the operative word.
Bunim: good luck, guys. operation went swimmingly. my back surgery was a success as well. you go on tour of the island now. a tour of the volcano hole. this is for those new postcard calendars for Maui Snake Park issuing out next year at the Chamber of Commerce. MTV does NOT take a cut, lawyers. need to have the whole cast of the show in the picture for the post so let's switch with the stunt doubles.
Puck shakes Aaron's both hands and kisses his both lips on the mouth.
Puck: it was a pleasure to meet you again, dad. we share so much more than Viking blood. we share desire of the impossible. to achieve what others scoff at. you drive those people well and safely. i'll stay on the ground here in case i become the lone survivor member of the family. i mean our family, not my roommates.
the helicopter slowly climbs up, inches up in the sky, the rotor whirlbirdying to their final destination. on the trip contours itinerary brochure pamphlet that is. the helicopter with that one singular noticeable black stripe flies over the volcano circle and into the ball of steam. it instantly disintegrates. the entire crew of Real World San Francisco is lost.
Mo could have helped. he stands there by the helicopter in the sky but doesn't lift a blue finger, he was still so mad from before. he regrets this, feels bad about it afterwards and cries. more hard rain falls on Hawaii.
Bunim is shocked in the control room with a gaping mouth and crunches the numbers of the revised budget in her head.
Olmec: ahhh, gulp, yummy, that was good, thank you, haven't eaten in ages.
later, or before, or perhaps concurrently, this volcano, Olmec, is befallen with many flakes of snow. until Olmec's face is completely covered up, his enormous eyelids glaze over, his mouth stays frozen open in shock and horror, he will never suck on an ice pop again, and the mountain is now ready for the Aspen snow season. skiers from around the world are here, and global gentlemen carrying hot cups of cocoa in their mittened pockets, and all other those who couldn't get the Aspen ticket flock to Hawaii for the summer break without their glocks. this includes one contingent of crones who use the cranked-out tram of the zipline line converted into a skilift to get to the top of the mountain.
Gladyce: you look so cute in your ski-bunny outfit, dear! those zigzags are adorable and to die for. i LOVE your Indigo plaid winter shawl!
Doryce: don't say die when it's a double diamond. it's actually a summer shawl, i'm a rebel. thanks. you, too, love accessorizing as we're matching. the trick is to insert your mittens in your vagina to keep the warmest. and keep them the warmest. suck on your green scarf for hops and jumps and prayers and luck and betterment with nature. and for practice before you suck for real.
Gladyce: oh deary, i brought my skis with me but i bet you can't find them! *she shimmies her hips* guess where they are!
Doryce: you naughty girl! Jonny! finally a young strapping lad in army boots. i always wanted to fall for a blackjacket backpacker biker badboy named Jonny! teach us your wares, darling.
Jonny Moseley: well i've just flown back from my first Olympic Gold medal from those Games where moguls were still an experimental contest so much so they didn't exist or have them. and boy are my arms tired……...but seriously, folks, my knees are tired.
Gladyce: handed to you at the three-uneven-cardboard-box ceremony by Olmec no doubt.
Jonny: the moguls are named after me, Moseley. not named after our current mogul President. i grew up in Squaw Valley, Indian country, when Manhattan Beach was still frozen over.
Doryce: is it true what they say, dear? btw i love your Justin Bieber haircut. the moguls hurt your knees when you go down that hill. all the jerky up-and-down movements and motion not in the service of butt sex.
Nadal: believe the hype. i went down ONE mogul mountain and my tennis career is ruined.
Moseley: they say it's a myth. but it happened to me. my knees got shot. thank god i have the one Gold Medal to fall back on. i can do tv and coast the rest of my life. my knees got so bad i couldn't do blowjobs anymore. i mean get blowjobs, all of us at the Olympic Village are very convivial and communal with each other, it's a friendly atmosphere, not competitive at all, we're all lucky to be there. and none of us have jobs.
Doryce: i was cheering for you. Jonny, did you see me flopping those soggy fishsticks in the stands? yeah, the last of my fishsticks went limp, they taste disgusting when they're not crunchy, when they're dry and callousy out of the microwave. irradiated beyond any recognizable form. i was still so desperate to have any sort of fish i smushed all the fishsticks into a ball, smashed it down with my magic palm, and turned it into a paste of tuna fish, had my first tuna-fish sandwich since i was a baby---that was a LONG time ago.
Jonny: let's celebrate where everyone in America is legally-required to celebrate now: McDonald's!!! it's the new Draft. and i'm not talking about draft drinks.
they arrive with Jonny on her arm at the Rock N Roll McDonald's in Chicago and Gladyce quietly orders a rare batch of Onion Nuggets. R Kelly is sitting in the booth in the corner, the Red Circle table inhabited by Jada Pinkett-Smith.
Avenatti: *on twitter* whoa buddy.
R Kelly: it's cool, man, it's not the Rock N Roll McDonald's. Chicagoland. they tore down the FryGuy playpen in the back years ago a long time ago. let me eat in peace, i'm innocent.
Jada: how could you do me like that, Robert? you disparage my Red Circle with your unclean hands leaving spots on my table. i thought you could fly. we all looked up to you. Space Jam is a kid's movie, man!!! we're all going on a field trip to Wakanda and you are not invited!
Jussie: for the record, President Bump says i'm too dumb. that clears me, i'm innocent, i didn't even know 45 existed. in the clear. the check clears. and if Empire uses this storyline in a future script, i want royalties. what kind of straight man kisses a green parrot?
President Bump and Kim walk hand-in-hand down the Red Carpet in Hanoi.
Bump: i lost my Oscars invite in the mail, but this red carpet is WAY better.
Kim: do you mind if we don't take the elevator? my fat short stocky ass needs to take the stairs. i know you're feeling down, my friend, maybe a new haircut will cheer you up? get a cool haircut like me. and also maybe a less-Mickey Mouse signature, harder to forge.
Bump: i don't want to be another Clinton. Bill Clinton that is. i don't want to be the first President who goes to jail after.
Bump accosts a local Vietnamese barber sucking on a pond platoon reed who cuts his hair. he shaves off all of Bump's golden locks. takes a long time to grow back.
Bump: *watching his twitter-feed live streaming video* thank you, i feel freer. open the flood Gaetz on that hearing!!!
AOC: *at the Hearing* no, please don't!!! that guy is creepy. i forward the rest of my time. *turns off mic*
Bump: so Kim, you know the deal, right? do i have to recite it to you again?
Kim: right, no, i got it. deal.
Bump: i officially end the Vietnam War. the Vietnam War officially never happened. then all those numbnuts at CNN will stop haranguing me over my bone spurs.
Eye Luggage: and...……………………………….Oscars recap go.
Dirg: it was all done by foreigners. the entire ceremony was in Spanish. later, i thought i was watching the BAFTAs.
Ted Sarandos: no relation to that lady with the big jugs, Susan. this did not turn out as planned. as Netflix CEO, i will now be forced to go on The Simpsons again to recoup the funds we spent on our presidential-sized campaign for Cuaron's indie masterpiece.
Laertus: Green Book should be called Whitewashed Book. they did it all wrong. i really feel bad for Spike and Glenn, they won't get another chance at this. Cuaron got WAY too many. they should have given Spike Lee the Director award, Roma the Best Picture, and Glenn Close the Best Actress as Lifetime Achievements. the first time a Best Picture would be completely in a foreign language, in Spanish, that would pave the way for getting rid of the Foreign Language category and combining it folding it all into one race. they missed their opportunity for all lifetimes and ruined at least three lives. those three actions would have righted a lot of past long wrongs, it would be reparations.
Glenn Close: i'm not mad. i won all the junior awards but not the big one but i ain't mad. come to my party later tonight, i'm holding a potluck, using my new boiler i bought. we're having hasenpfeffer. come early while it's still juicy and tender.
Dirg: all of the awardees, they ALL have mothers who are 94 years old. and they ALL have small children who are way past their bedtime and shouldn't be watching their parents in a compromising position to pay the bills. all the envelopes are always folded. i really want to wear Melissa McCarthy's pussies. Sean "Spicey" Spicer on the EXTRA mic being extra.
Lady Gaga and Madonna sit on a cloud of tuffet feathers for their joint photoshoot of friendship.
Madonna: is this goose? since we've buried the hatchet i'll use it to swipe dinner for us. cotton candy? my gold teeth can't take it. you are reductive.
Gaga: i know, my pussy has swollen shut to a little pea button i am so nervous being around you. i'm sorry, but every generation needs its Madonna. Jesus had His Madonna and didn't want to share His mommy with anybody. i'm the Millennial Madonna. just like John Mulaney is the Millennial Seinfeld and President Bump is the Millennial Obama.
Bump: not the Michelle Obama.
Ben Affleck: i feel better but i'll be giving up Batman. because of John Mulaney.
after their sultry performance, Gaga and Bradley Cooper lock eyes and look into each other's meeting eyes and mouth the words to each other, "i wish this kind of chemistry was taught in our respective high schools. instead of gym class."
Gaga: see this smile? i brushed my teeth for you. so, DTF?
Bradley Cooper has flown the coop.
Gaga: that's why i broke up with my previous man. some mook on the street told me to get a room so i did. now i'm in said room alone, i rented out the bridal suite. you know how embarrassing it is to order flowers for yourself? Diane Warren is writing the song as i speak. i thought you said she was just your girlfriend. Brad?
Diane: *on the phone* it's Diane, honey. that Shallow performance...
Gaga: you thought my performance was shallow? is this Jen? I write this one, Diane!
Eye: the Oscars are an institution which will never die! like SNL! i didn't notice the no-host after the first commercial break. that's-a what they gon do from now on moving forward: no host ever again.
Kevin Hart at the Blue Circle: see? if i had hosted, it would be gossip for one day. i'm more famous for having NOT hosted. the principle of negative space.
Eye: that was really cruel when they turned the camera on Emily Blunt in the audience seats as Bette Midler was singing Emily's song on stage. Em's eyes were blue from crying, not cos they're blue. thanks for listening, folks, and as Michael Cohen would say, have a good night.
Dirg: i would have smoked a blunt on those cush fluffy seats myself put in the same situation.
Doryce: excuse me, Brian May, it seems you have lost your ticket to the Governor's Ball. Guvna! right? i can conjure up another ticket for you with a snap of the fingers, i'm a real queen. it becomes merely misplaced IF you invite me to the Ball and i get all that free food. i have an appetite like that weird Australian hunk with the accent from Green Book. did you enjoy the show? my wife and i's favorite part was the menstruation.
Brian May: fraid not, miss.
Doryce: don't you honeyfuggle me, mister. you want to keep your hair like that? i can make that happen, too. it never rains in Southern Caifornia. all fritz and poofy. it's just dawned on me now you look like Sideshow Bob, a known murderer.
Brian May: Bob Mueller? can he help out with Brexit? sorry, may he.
Jo returns back from Hawaii to her Mount Rushmore thatch hut as Lincoln's nosehairs and a Tahoe green visor on her small square head with a lot of homework on her not-so-broad shoulders. she works feverishly night and day, without a nightlight, with a chewed-up pencil in her mouth crunching the numbers on her abacus.
Jo: all i ask is i come home from school and have a hot-cooked meal on the table waiting for me. come on, Steve, help a sista out, we're partners. geology is hard!
Steve: *with a stoned rubbery face* I WANT MORE
Steve: I WANT MORE I WANT MORE I WANT MORE!!!
Cory crashes through the window, dons the white curtain for her cape, picks up Steve with one herculean fist, and tosses the man and his limp fishdick like a soggy ragdoll into the other window, crashing into a million little pieces of glass all strewn bloody on the outside hanging patio. Steve's rubber mask comes off, he was Jo's ex-husband the whole time. Cory beats her chest Tarzan-style.
Cory: god i feel so empowered! like a woman!
ex-husband: i'm gonna get back at you, Jo, you'll see! you were always so standoffish and oafish for this relationship, for me. i made the bed every night in anticipation of you coming home and we'd lie in bed together all snug and comfy and warm and watch my favorite film, Oliver Twist. for the M Night TWEEST. Oliver is the true-life story of my childhood growing up, but you said you never had the time, you got all twisted up in knots making excuses not to be with us for movie night. now i'm bloodied and all cut up and near-death. don't cut up this isn't funny! but i will convalesce in a basement and recover, and i'm gonna get my pounding. not from a woman, my pound of flesh. i'm gonna become an incel!
Cory and Jo: what is incel? a type of nightlight?
ex-husband: i'm not exactly sure yet, i just made it up now. but i'll set up the unknown parameters. once i get my computer it's off to the races! my bully's name was Chad and i like Stacy more than Stacy's mom, there i said it. Jo stands for jack-off instead of proper sex.
Cory: bro what are you doing with your life? at least become a film major like everyone else before you fail at life. you know how fat bald short guys with a gut and without mustaches get the ladies? they join a rock band, they play the rock guitar. practice. and eventually join a band called The Wolf Who.
the ex-husband straggles off to a mount and crawls away. to climb a set of rocks and begin his rock rehabilitation.
Cory: wow. i feel like a woman doing that, too.
at the Empower America By Pulling The Plug conference---the Empower America conference for Democrats---Rachel is intently listening in a blue dress while Judd scoffs the whole time, plugging his nose with a clothespin as Jack Kemp speaks, a former football player.
Judd: football isn't tough, Batman is tough. you see those shoulders on Frank Miller's Batman? Batman's built like a linebacker.
the two walk out in separately-justified huffs. they stroll up the Crookedest Street.
Judd: Jack Kemp's for the Green New Deal? jesus, you think you know a guy. fuck your beliefs, Rachel.
Rachel: i wish you'd treat me like you treat my beliefs. once in a while, my dry vagina's still college-aged you know.
Judd: *walking fast* how can you girls and pansies be so stupid? fossil fuels is what fuels America, fossils tell us where we came from, look at the Grand Canyon! look how blue the skies are! like a Windows 1.0 screenshot. how can you believe in science? it's science, not faith. why? it's boring like the Oscars. and you're for civil unions? you guys love to tear down our institutions. like marriage and the Supreme Court and National Steel. btw, you attending that marriage of Rachel and Puck?
Rachel: uh, yeah, i'll be there. i hear through the Inverness mist grapevine that Pedro is wanting to crash our ceremony with his Sean civil union. lock the doors to the House when we get back.
Judd: that man is relentless. Pedro swallowed his housekey in front of me like a frisky housecat and claimed he could open the House door with just the keyblade sticking out of his asshole.
The best reality TV show I saw is where they have to do everything naked. No knitting allowed. No coconut bras, nuffin’. It’s very interesting when you meet up at the thatch without thatch and start to lose your sensibilities to one too many margaritas. That’s when spiritual awakening really starts. You start to see cats and dogs everywhere, and no matter how much you want to ride away there’s no saddle squishy enough to protect your unguarded nether regions and, fight or flight, the journey is bumpy. A Yakult bath is the only answer as it mixes with your own mucus. Lush are currently concocting one called volcanic sneeze. It also helps with balance and if you delicately delicatessen yourself within the liquid over 48 hours it brings you back to reality, burned and burnt but still a playa; a double diamond in the detritus.
your CliffsNotes of my chapters are the best, the best bits with a touch of your magic. when I was at Berkeley I thought I could coast by on just reading the CliffsNotes but it turns out my Berkeley professors were the ones who WROTE all those CliffsNotes!
one day the two of us shall bathe together in a ceramic tub full of Yakult.
AND WE SHALL LIVE AS QUEENS AND KINGS!!!
love you *)
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