Friday, February 1, 2019



* just in case you ever wanted to eat a cereal with Ron Jeremy as the mascot

* AVERT YOUR EYES, MATEY!!! the Super Bowl commercials are ALREADY being loaded in!

* finally a new car company gets in the game

* sorry, miss, your heels are too high for this elevator going down

* woman: Arrested Development?
Jason Bateman: no, Family Ties. primetime network NBC, that's where it all went down.
man: so THAT's where Mallory went!
Jason: our mom was a lesbian the whole time, that's why our family stuck together through the tough times.

* Jason: contrary to popular belief, this is not a Wes Anderson movie. i know i know, EVERYBODY wants me to do a Wes Anderson movie, it would make such a great fit. our agents are working it out. well my agent is. Meredith Baxter-Birney is Mallory's agent, too. the MIB International MBB we call her. or Notorious MBB.

* Jason: you're going down, way down.
woman: cos i have on these heels?
Jason: 2019, all meanings innocent from now on.
man: i'm her husband slash boyfriend depending on her mood that day. i'm her Instagram Spouse when we go to Taco Bell. there i eat all the food i can before it all runs out in these trying clime times. i was told by my priest i was going to Hell and there was nothing i could do.

* man: what was the flip sign before ROOT CANAL?
Jason: GAME SHOWS. right? this is that Price Is Right flip lit cream-colored rectangular light that started.
man: i'd like a piece of you, Jason.
Jason: is that a threat or a come-on?
woman: COME ON!!!, she said like Lleyton Hewitt with her fingers in a cobra pointing to her face...

* dentist: this is bad.
woman: aren't you supposed to draw the outline in pencil first before you drill, doctor?
dentist: i'm a dentist, not a doctor.

* Jason: why is the Jury Duty hallroom wet? pipe broke?
Jeffrey Tambor: no, that's the jury room for the R Kelly case. yeah i know, you'd think with Duty it'd be the other one.
Jason: and this is why no one works with you anymore, Jeffrey.
Jeffrey: he's obviously guilty cos he's white.

* Jason: the dreaded middle seat. who's got Vitamin C?
Alec Baldwin: remember Airborne? it was the popular thing to do on airplanes along with Words With Friends. it was our yuppie drug. both of them.
Jeffrey: i'd never go to the Middle East. and on a plane!? forget it, didn't you hear what Peter Jennings said? just begging to be hijacked.
Jason: you never left the '80s, did you Jeff? we can't use those green cuddly mucus mascots anymore till the sexual harassment in the workplace suits get settled.
Jeffrey: sorry, i lost my temper. it showed in my voicework for them.

* dad: even Grandma's body changed. i saw it.
son: dad, you're embarrassing me. why are you rooting for a Washington Redskin? why do you always insist on wanting to go skateboarding with me? the skateboard is not a tandem bicycle-built-for-two.
Carrie Ann Inaba: there was only one reason i was hired to replace Julie Chen......i don't have a husband like that...
Sara Gilbert: let's get back to discussing domestic terrorism in this country, real serious stuff.
Roseanne: yes, let's get back to discussing the tragedy of my show...

* Jason: beetloaf? is your name even Sergio?
Sergio: *bows* ny name is Sergio Garcia. i killed Tiger Woods's career. prepare to die.
woman throwing beetloaf party: Latin lovers aren't what they used to be in the '80s.
Jeffrey: i'd vote for Sabato, but i want Lamas. next in line or fall in love?

* Jason: car shopping okay, only if it's that nerd guy with the blond glasses and that rattail, that red guitar with six Prince arms, and that purple van with the Unicorn Frappuccino silk-screen tattoo on its ridged side. he was the only spokesanimal who didn't have skeletons in his closet. you should see the Geico gecko's closet. paraphernalia everywhere.

Jason: no this is just the top-floor of the Hyundai dealership. it's built on a tower. a white tower.

* Jason: back it up, Captain Colon, thank you. or pausade i should say, when this commercial inevitably gets transformed into the Spanish version for The Big Game.
Captain Colon: you see me mooning you through my open hospital gown? that's racist what you said! or, what do you call it when you make fun of someone's medical condition?
Jason: illest.


Happy Super Weekend, my babies. there is only one way to participate in The Resistance this weekend, you will be reminded of it constantly: eat as many avocados from Mexico as you can...

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