TMIT: DIAMOND DICK

i don't wanna talk about it. both things. it was that boring.

1. do you express your sexual pleasure with moans, groans, sighs, and other noises (provided you are actually turned on)?
a) yes, each time i have sex (90-100% of the time)
b) on most occasions (70-89)
c) on some occasions (40-69)
d) on a few occasions (less than 40)
e) no, never, not even when i am really turned on

i only sigh internally. the answer is the one where i can enjoy a 40 with my partner whilst doing 69 with her. inevitably we have to change the sheets cos we pour the 40 over our bodies. i tell her that means i'm dead, she tells me softly that we're all gonna die. then we hug. i make this weird noise that no other human being has ever made. i took myself to the university campus where my girlfriend is an anthropology professor there---i'm a pop-culture major student there myself---for some tests. she strapped me in and declared me The Missing Link. then we used those straps.

2. how comfortable are you with sex in bright light or daylight? pick one.
a) completely comfortable
b) fairly
c) somewhat/uncomfortable, depends on the partner
d) completely uncomfortable, i like to do it in the dark

this test is making me uncomfortable, giving me Berkeley flashbacks when i missed the bell and avoided graduating by one percentage point. i still have my diploma tattooed on my ass. not very comfortable, i'm a goth so all light comes from a dark place. i never understood fucking in the dark. i talked to Batman about this and he says it's the only way he can get through it with Catwoman. i understand listening to music in the dark, but i mean in that whole boring set they didn't even play "Sunday Morning", their clear best song. it was Sunday, too. L.A. white soul, we had this, Bowie would be spinning in his grave but his grave is on Mars and he's spinning his web, shooting the breeze and chewing the scenery with the Dos Equis guy with the beard. the original best Dos Equis guy with the beard.

3. is this statement true or false for you? explain: i would ike to talk dirty with my partner but i don't dare for fear of being judged or ridiculed.

yes, and for a writer like myself, it's embarrassing to get made fun of when your dirty talk isn't creative enough. i need just the right amount of light to work, the red has to be that precise neon or i go crazily tumbling down the district streets arms flailing like a mad hairy man. i talk to her of diamond dick. she thinks i'm referring to Pete Davidson but i was referring to that dime novel Diamond Dick which was an early proponent of the marijuana-is-just-herbal-medicine side of the debate. referring to reefer. found some of those readers in the same section where they keep the old back-issues of Batman comics, the ones where Batman still uses a cowboy gun. then i told her i didn't have a dime to my name...

4. have you ever done a striptease for a lover (impromptu or planned)? did you enjoy it?

i wish i could dance like Julian Edelman out on that field, but he told me his beard hides a lot of things. i told him despite everything Brady had a sense of himself and was humble and basically a cool guy. if Brady were an asshole it'd be unbearable. Julian sold me his jewels and let go of all his worldly possessions---all his grass included---and became a monk right there on the Disney World spot. he told me i had to like Tom Brady cos he was better than Michael Jordan now.

5. how do you feel about giving anal sex (penetration with penis, finger, or sex toys)? pick one:
a) enjoy
b) okay with it
c) not so much
d) not at all, not my ting
e) never given it
f) e) but would like to start

i went into the lockerroom and snatched the jersey...oh um nevermind um i'm down for it, except my bum is so small it'd be missed. the owner was telling me how he understands that if you're not a fan of the team you'd feel great antipathy and enmity toward the team, and that the league is becoming a joke. he then rolled out a nice squared triangle wedge of cheese and plopped it right there on the plexiglass newsdesk. i didn't inquire further as to whether that was a sex toy investigative journalist that i am cos you know those billionaires and their free time...

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