Monday, February 11, 2019


1. do you like where you live or do you wish you could move? those months and endless dragout months of road construction right next to my house were murder i won't lie. they ruined my summer......mostly through being so loud i couldn't concentrate on Lucas or any of the other films i watched on putlocker shut in my room all summer with my ipad mini that gives me a splinter on my thumb each time i use it. i once saw a butterfly fly near my room and i became that anime butterfly meme man with the glasses. i need these movies to harken back to my nostalgia and think about what could have been, and let my heart have a good winge. when my heart has a good hard cry, the blood flows more circulatorily through my clogged veins and healthy blue arteries so i don't develop early-onset heart attack as a man of 40 who feels 80.

HOWEVER MEANWHILE once the roads were smoothed away and paved over like they never existed like my life i started to have a good time. the area was quieter cos more cars could get through each loop now due to the double-lane. nights were frozen and eerily noiseless. i could walk to The Store again thanks to the new black bike path in the middle of the highway, before i just starved. BUT i was still craving something missing, i needed movie popcorn. i wished all my favorite fast-food joints were along one thoroughfare like i had at Berkeley. there i could McDonald's it, then hop to Burger King, skip to 7-Eleven, and jump into the arms of a Sizzler waitress.

EDIT: i JUST RIGHT NOW RIGHT THIS MINUTE received a red paper-sailboat box of McDonald's Cheesy Bacon fries from my neighbor who crawled in through my bedroom window. my neighbor is also my plumber and my priest, i'm not handy nor handsy. i'm nibbling the fries to the side of me like all good side-food as i type this. they're pretty good. and now my neighbor is throwing a paper-menu pamphlet in my face from GrubHub and telling me never to bother him again...

2. no matter what life throws at me, i believe that i can deal with it. agree or disagree? everything except a GrubHub pamphlet. the fact that i'm blogging to you today instead of speaking with you gives you your answer and insight into my soul. life is hard, and i am soft. soft like a gelatin teddy bear. but i'm working on it. why just this later this afternoon i'm gonna go out with my friend Lucy van Pelt. i told her expressly no hunting for pelts or the friendship is off!!! she assures me we're just gonna have a nice day at the park and she's gonna teach me how to field-goal-kick a football......Australian-style...

3. a dear friend is stuck in an unhappy relationship. what advice would you give to the friend to cope---how can they make lemonade out of lemons?

first of all, deliberately misspell lemonade on your stand, like call it LEMONAZE or something, the public always finds that cute. and charge 5 cents or a nickel even though you'll go underwater quickly with that business model. underwater with sweetened water.

to my dear friend Bambi, i urge him to protect his mother at all costs, secret her out of the forest under cover of night shrubs before it's too late. and for god sake let everyone who can vote vote in the next upcoming woods election. Bambi's father, who is anti-gun, is running against the hunter. you know, Bambi is a cultural icon, he was the first person to bear the name Bambi using it seriously as a male name.

4. nothing of value can be learned from failure, true or false? let me flip Two-Face's coin...…

not true. like take me, after the carrots thing i invested my life savings into bitcoin. everybody and their grandma Chuck Schwab investor is telling me my bitcoins are worthless, but that's real money i have in my pocket there!

5. even if you are sure about your ultimate choice, do you still ask others for advice before making an important or risky decision? i asked my friend Chuck about it the other day:

i asked him if i should try out for the football team. Chuck said he knew why i was doing this and it was natural selection that Chuck got the chicks, not me. she wasn't seeing anyone and i'd get killed on that field cos my glasses would crush me. i retorted by throwing Title IX back at his faceguarded face. then we had pizza from a cold Chicago hot-dog shoppe. Chuck asked her if she liked politics and she said no. Chuck asked her if she liked cars and she said no. i told Chuck this line of questioning was incredibly sexist but he said it was the '80s. then he kissed her as i watched from my bike...

i trust Chuck. Chuck Sheen.

BONUS: what is the sweetest or most rewarding moment of your life?

well as you know i work at a casino in the middle of the desert. i can't hide my mouth when i'm pleasing people with my words as i deal them cards and determine their fates, whether they're gonna be rich or poor in life and have to take out a loan. so i was swimming at the last Y one day, the lanes with the rainbow flags overhead, swimming while chewing on a piece of hard candy. i bit into that sucker of a hard candy and my entire mouth's teeth shattered into white dust. if it wasn't for the Invisalign mouthguard dental implants surgery that was the clear choice i couldn't go back to work. i became self-conscious and depressed and hangdog. i was so embarrassed i covered my mouth whenever i was eating and didn't look at nobody, not even my mom. never took pictures unless it was just my eyelevel. but now my customers and potential jailers look at my teeth and call them GORGEOUS!!! they tell me i have a million-dollar smile! they ain't lyin, my teeth are now green poker chips...



Jules said...

1: I want to constantly move like the Trivago guy and have pictures taken by my Instagram husband.

2: So long as I'm not there when it happens.

3: Get limes and make a margarita. Works every time.

4: I fail to see the importance.

5: No, because most people are risk-averse. Better to scare the crap out of them after.

Bonus: Marmalade.

the late phoenix said...

1. when I make that commitment, it's for life......or whenever the platform of Instagram finally dissolves...

2. if you think a thing, you make it so...

3. perfect response. people don't drink enough limeade.

4. that is a truism.

5. some of the bravest people I know stay in their houses

bonus: the greatest comic dog. LESSON LEARNED: NEVER EAT ROCK CANDY AGAIN!!! *)