Friday, February 22, 2019



* Frieza (or is it Frost?) is saying WE'RE NUMBER ONE. this species of rare alien only have middle fingers for fingers, it's not their fault, Gaga made them this way.

* Frost: i made it snow on Jerry O'Connell.
Jerry O'Connell: honey, can i stop calling you Rebecca Romijn-Stamos now? it's hurtful.
Rebecca: reconciliation, there must always be a chance.

* you have NO idea the pains it took me to discover this commercial. i remembered it but forgot the impossible-to-remember name. Daenerys was easier to remember. shouldn't there be a mnemonic for EVERY word? i knew it started with A, so this was a Sesame Street case, right? so i looked under "drugs" on Wikipedia under A. my counselor checked in and thought i had a problem. i did, i was on a mission of love, to save my addiction to words. well guess what? i checked back and AFREZZA wasn't even on the list! i wouldn't have seen it anyway even if i checked the lists forever. so it was all in vain moot! my soul search was simply not meant to be.

* i had to wait to see the commercial again, and of course it never came. i changed up, i took bathroom breaks DURING shows now instead of at the commercials. every single DAMN commercial i memorized by this time i saw. not AFREZZA. a month later i happened to spot it on the way to mow the naked neighbor's lawn. i thought i was dreaming. but no, my neighbor was still naked.

* i want to refrain from talking about diabetes, that scares me. yeah i just don't want to come near that hot stove, put my hand on that third rail. with all the Coke i've drunk throughout my life...

* Mario: some mook threw a purple frisbee my way.
Mario's wife: maybe it's from Prince.
Mario: no, it's from King Koopa. a lot of gold potatoes.
Mario's wife: you like gold coins, don't you? that's how you pay off your whores.
Mario: hey i told yous, that was Luigi playing a prank on me.
Mario's wife: what's with the cute little brush? you're a painter not a plumber, my mother was right about you!
Mario: no that's so i can delicately brush off the area on my arm where i inject the needle.
Mario's wife: you're so finicky. don't you regularly get in fights with dirty plants and crawling sidescrolling bugs? whatcha reading?
Mario: the first issue of Nintendo Power magazine in book form. no pictures. hey, are you Princess Peach?
Mario's wife: nope.
Mario: then what was the point?

* Mario: doc, i was always so embarrassed. i always needed to find a safe space to inject. and had to buy an airport sandwich.
Dr Mario: stop insulting me with your insulin. it's okay, Mario, now you can be a huffer.
Mario: so uh doc, what exactly does this do?
Dr Mario: it FREEZES the inside of your throat and tongue so it's blocked from anything entering.
Mario: but i'm not trying to lose weight.
Dr Mario: coulda fooled me. the r in my name is for the Prescription Drug R with the cross through it.

*  Mario tries it and immediately has a spasm attack.
Dr Mario: use your nose! use your big nose!

* man: honey, a hamburger just fell from the sky on a parachute. it broke your phone, no selfie.
wife: you think you married an idiot? i TOLD you to cut your friends when we got hitched, Wimpy is a bad influence on you.
man: this is how China will invade America, they know us better than we know ourselves.

* woman 1: omg that is so cute adorable! a hot dog carrying a stand of a pile of hot dogs!
woman 2: not really. child labor laws. animals used as slave labor is abhorrent. what is that dog? a fucking reindeer on a circus leash pulling a circus sleigh for human spectacle?
woman 1: i thought you liked hot dogs.
woman 2: sure, but these are too many hot dogs, if you eat that pile you'll die. this is a commercial for cholesterol medication, right? we're just friends, right?
woman 1: yes, you made that abundantly clear this morning.

* yogess: right, blame the yoga chick. yeah, sure, only the yoga chick will eat the dry salad cos she's a health nut and not right in the head.
tree: that isn't a salad, it's my thumb. i'm extending my arm out to you. in friendship. but you are crazy. those aren't your hands you have clasped together in a pose over your head, those are your feet...

* first-dater woman: look at the trick i can do! *rolls out and spreads picnic blanket with all the food popping in*
first-dater man; oh, i thought it would be a trick with your tongue. i don't like food, food is why i'm online. instead of outside.
first-dater woman: it looks outside, that's all that matters. is it VR if you don't know it's VR?
man eats all the food in the spead on the blanket. and has a smoke which catches the blanket on fire.
first-dater woman: you owe me 1000 dollars. there is no such thing as a free lunch. that food cost pixels. didn't you hear the Pac-Man sound?

* fisherman: this only happens in my dreams: i go fishing for the first time, first time since my dad died cos he never took me fishing, and i catch a Filet-o-Fish in its original wrapper on my hook.
sandwich inside blue bubble: you are sleepy, i mean you are hungry you haven't eaten me yet to be sleepy. i am the sandwich of your dreams. but in order to remove this blue forcefield around me, you must perform an impossible task.
fisherman: what. i'll do anything. i even wore this bucket hat with a feather in it which represents my father. my father feather. and i blew bubbles in the dirty water of this bog.
sandwich: you must be pregnant or breast-feeding…

* man in purple T shirt: hey, you work for Benihana?
chef: that's racist. just cos i have a big square cutting knife and hibachi hat? who are you, Prince without the mustache?
purple T shirt: yes. and not just cos we're by a lake. next time i'll take the stairs. orange breadsticks?
chef: yes. i'm not even a chef. these are poorly-prepared churros, okay?

* Mario: can we get some dessert?
lesbians: typical man, never satisfied. fuck you. no chocolate soup for you.

* Robert Kraft ambles his way on set.
Robert Kraft: i need some medicine.
director: too much cholesterol? cut down on the cheese.
Robert Kraft: no, i've had too much excitement these past few weeks. i'm an old man, i can't take it. my chest hurts. from getting stomped on. i need to relax my muscles. i need a massage. is there a parlor near here?...… i really am looking for JUST a massage!



happy weekend, my babies

prediction: Cuaron's Roma, right? Netflix certainly paid enough for it.

WAY EARLY prediction: Biden won't run, Klobuchar will get the Nomination.

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