Friday, February 15, 2019


* Branson: Virgin Airlines? poppycock! what a turkey! if Virgin Cola couldn't sell how could this? you can't even fit turkey inside a picnic basket like you can coke.
focus group: sir you've just eviscerated this entire marketing campaign with those statements. please get off twitter.
British game show host: TURKEY TURKEY TURKEY

* spyess: i want it all. and i want it now.
Jack Bauer on comm: this isn't GrubHub.

* Jack Bauer: this isn't a long advertisement. this is my comeback. i hated being the President. do you have your disguise on as we planned?
spyess: yes, i'm Kim Basinger as far as the American audience knows. you think this is fun? you think this is fun for me?
Jack Bauer: only if you get naked. naked with your feelings i mean. you have to be honest with me if this is gonna work and be successful, don't hide any of your patented knowing smirks from me.

* stewardess: what are you watching on that tv in the back of the seat?
spyess: i think Clue or something. i'm undercover, i'm looking for clues. hey, you got Do The Right Thing?
stewardess: online-only, no inflight. coffee? tea? me?
spyess: i like the little cage it comes in. what's better, Turkish tea or Turkish coffee?
stewardess: the answer is bath.
spyess: England's too showery for me.

* Jack: *with his eyes in the sky* what are you reading?
spyess: the last-ever issue of BLENDER. remember that magnificent music mag?
Jack: learned about Priyanka's nups from it.

* spyess: can i borrow your red hat?
stewardess: not cool. i'd never vote like that.
spyess: no, for disguise and cover. up. are these your drawings?
stewardess: for the aborted Carmen Sandiego game-show reboot.
spyess: *cries*
British game show host: TURKEY TURKEY TURKEY

* spyess: save this notebook! it's special! it's got a red tassel down the middle so it's obviously a bible. a show bible. i wear a patch but i'm not skate-punk. thank you, airport, for reminding me to take my B12 shot, makes me run faster in airports.

* spyess: *running* don't look at my insane ass in jeans while i'm running, passengers on the people-mover, that's rude!!!
stewardess: it is a bible but the tassel's from a strip club...
spyess: thank you, i need a club soda after all that running.

* spyess: *flipping* huh, these are sketches of me in various states of undress. how could she have known what i looked like?
Jack: um, those are my off-duty scribblings. i do a lot of a-la-carte homemade porn in my spare time.
spyess: excuse me, does this yellowcab transform into one of those ships along the marina Bond-style?

* Jack: are you sure that's the mark?
spyess: pretty sure. i see a Turkey flag so...
Jack: you are too pretty for your own good! the pictures you gave me are fuzzy! send better! update your ipad mini! once a month like a good little Jobs devotee! do your job! you're in the wrong commercial, this should be another Apple ad.
spyess: just say MAGNIFY.
Jack: that only works in cartoons!

* spyess: why would the mark telegraph where she's going?
Tattoo driving: she's not telegraphing, she's drawing. welcome to Fantasy Island. no i am not a licensed tattoo artist, i live off your tips. may i take your white luggage?
spyess: Tattoo! you're alive!!!
Tattoo: hey, have you seen my helicopter? i lost it.
spyess: it's right over there.

* spyess: i suppose there's time for a leisurely sip of Turkish coffee. oh come on, this is from Starbucks! and why are the teacups always so small!?
mark gets up from the balcony.
spyess: *whispers to herself* don't mind me, i'm a i'm literally a ghost wrapping myself in this room curtain.
mark sashays and ponytails back her hair.
spyess: when a woman goes to ponytail back her hair, when she goes for the scrunchee, you know it's serious. blowjob time.
Jack: don't blow it.
spyess: wait, why is she getting into a black-and-white police van?...

* spyess: do you understand the language i'm speaking?
driver: no.
spyess calls the mark on the phone.
mark: what.
spyess: i just want to say as a compliment: i LOVE how you draw ducks.

* Hannibal Lecter: um, you're not supposed to see me here, don't tell anyone.
spyess: what are you working on, your first novel?
Hannibal Lecter: this commercial's script. i'm a doctor. a script doctor. punch-up man. i use fava beans to punch myself up. with farts.
spyess: shit.
Hannibal: don't worry, i own that houseboat, she won't get away. looking for someone?
spyess: yeah, what's the deal with all these breadsticks? way too many breadsticks here.
Hannibal: i'm gonna call up my black comedy friend and tell him you stole his joke.

* Hannibal: don't feed the pigeons bread, it's bad for them, scatters them away when they were peaceful on the village-square cobblestone for all to enjoy, performing with Cardi B. and it's a waste of bread.

* spyess spots the new GM electric bike and hops on.
spyess: ARIV. did that name really need a crowdsource?
Jack: i was the only one who funded it.
spyess: it's only cool if it's pronounced A-REEV, not A-RIVE.

* mark sashays elegantly then crashes into the glass she doesn't see.
spyess catches up.
spyess: *rap rap rap on the glass* hello? sorry, i'm late for the Indiana Jones ride.

* spyess: it's hard to breathe in here, i'm thinking too much. please.
mark: what?
spyess: bring back House of Anubis like you promised. you're a tv exec, right?
mark: i'm too expensive to have any lines...
spyess: what do you keep under glass here?
mark: books. it's pointless cos you can't read them when they're under glass.
spyess: snakes. why'd it have to be snakes who have eaten boulders.
mark: no that's my S&M whip.
spyess: what is the Goden Dome really for? a tv signal to broadcast back to aliens who are gearing up to launch an invasion?
mark: we like our Golden State Warriors here in Turkey. there's a certain NBA player we'd like to get our hands on, just waiting till he eventually gets traded after the deadline.

* spyess: hey Jack, like my flamingo glasses?
Jack: i can't see you. why are there 15 teacups of Turkish coffee on your tray?
spyess: i have bladder leakage. hey Jack, ever learn to swim?
Jack: you can't swim? i thought you were trained by an Instagram accountability coach. take a pic of me naked-breastroking at your hotel pool, look below. i will be your guide in all things stealth.
spyess: very funny.
Jack: no, that's an actual stroke, i'm not masturbating.

* spyess: Rambo...he escaped Nam but he didn't really ever escape Nam, you know?

* spyess: what!!?
bellhop: take off those silly glasses. do you want a different room number? i'm an amateur numerologist and i've just found out that all numbers are unlucky.

* Jack: Tokyo is on my ass! this better be the last time. anime is serious!

* spyess: ah,'s like a flat endlessly loops......that's the thing about just......continues...
Jack: okay, now you're having fun.
spyess: got any limeade?
stewardess: fuck you.
Spike Lee, onboard passenger: 400 years.
spyess: since slavery came to America?
Spike Lee: that's how old these saltines are. buncha oldheads.
spyess: peppercorn?
Spike Lee shakes his head.
spyess: Oldboy, playing on the screen now. you should have gotten nominated for that one.


happy weekend, my babies. it was gonna be the Wendy's Peppercorn Burger this weekend but i'm gonna have to scrape off all the mushrooms from the pattie and leave them by the side of my bun wrapper like i'm 5 years old. i walk little old ladies across the street. because i'm scared of the street.

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