Friday, June 29, 2018



* WARNING: Dole is one of those creations in art and literature and space you will never forget once you make contact with him. forget soon. and you thought the Dancing Baby from Ally McBeal was Lynchian. Dole is an absolutely original manbeast of a baby who is his own thing and will never be duplicated in nature again. honor him the short time he may have on earth or on adult swim, listen to every thought he says, he is wise beyond his years. or perhaps he is wise just at his years. the fact that he is performed by an artist with the last name of Kush is beyond perfect. really listen to Dole's words by listening to Dole speak. Dole has a voice which haunted the dinosaurs out of existence. you will never hear a voice like Dole's ever again, it's like if Jessica Rabbit's breathy voice and Soundwave from Tranformers had a baby that was born one day too early. i haven't felt this passionate and jazzed about the debut of a fully-formed sui generis character since Helga Pataki.

* not the Philip Jose Farmer series. Philip Jose Farmer doesn't sound like the name of a science-fiction author, he sounds like a Cuban MLB baseball player. Sammy Sosa is looking better, i pray for him.

* please make this a show and not a pilot.........................oh i see from the pics above it might be! the world needs more Dole. the world needs Dole to be the Dole Pineapple spokesbaby. not that stupid baby-mouth who sold you stocks and bonds. in the shorts there's one with Dole contemplating the vastness of the universe and going, "shit".

* thank you, interstitial ad, i'm not gonna try opioids. i don't want to smash my fingers with a hammer. i do love Dr. Drew, though.

* Off the Air melty keotbard opening

* Legos would be funner if they could be eaten like square marshmallows

* i guarantee they didn't pick out that pink color for their house, this proves they've never been outside.

* the symbolism here is superstrong. it's like Muppet Babies for adults. Jim Henson would have loved this, deep down he always wanted to do an HBO special with his puppets.

* you see how Dole calms you with that Hannibal Lecter assurance? but there IS enough time in the day to mate with a girlfriend, if the gazelles can find time all strung-out on speed, you surely can find someone hiding in the tall grass. at least always keep hydrated. the way a gazelle would. at the Dasani watering hole at the Beginning of the World.

* the air from the computer fan is the only air on his face Day has ever experienced

* 25? it's gotta be more like 45.

* Day: keep posting. if you don't post i don't exist. why is no one posting? is it summer? is it Christmas?

* Patricia Richardson: just remember, i was there when Tim Allen wasn't cool. potstickers?
Dole: i'm sniffing the potstickers not you.
Day: cool, mom, but why is the pot here?
mom: cos they stuck to the pot. son, why is this man in your room all the time? it's creepy. it would be less creepy if he were a woman. do you care for this dog? no you don't the dog is mine now. the worst day of your life was when i got you that computer.

* i knew girls in college who would do that, too. not eat anything two hours before bed. they would miss out on all the midnight pizza parties on the roof of the dorm, i always felt bad for them. i'd check in on them through their window from up on the roof hanging down like a bat or Batman while the rest of the bowling team was hoopin' and hollerin' and louding on, dancing with their bowling balls abve their heads. you could tell they were just fake-sleeping, they weren't tired. i gave them my pizza the next morning for breakfast. the pain of good digestion.

* SpongeBob freaky human finger. poor dog. Andy Samberg was Andy Samberg before he turned into Filthy Frank.

* i'm not saying Dole is the Anti-Exorcist, but he can make a talking bird only sing again.

* i would be for a prop banning all cell phones in parks and i hate politics.

* Day: slow as molasses much? the wireless, not my jogging.

* real-world couple: look at yourself in the mirror, boy. you're a freak of nature. don't get mad over your wireless plan, breathe in the non-pot grass. look at us, we're proof love has no color. humans were never meant to get agitated over robots.

* Dole: i can fit inside your ass i mean June birthdays are a miracle, you wait one half of the year for your birthday and the other half year for Christmas.
woman: that is so enlightening. are you an elf?

* Day: i'm angry. i'm so angry all the time. i don't understand my mom got me this new Samsung and i'm still angry.

* Day: roll down the grassy knoll. let me make you a youtube star.
Dole: okay but i can't rip these brown pants they don't make 'em in my size with this specific material anymore.

* Day: sorry i just have never been popular before, i don't know what to do with my hand. i'm gonna faint. am i dead? the last time i checked my hourglass it was full at the bottom.
Dole: it's okay, puppy, my mom was like yours.

* dad: girls, get off that position!
Dole: girls, amirite? you need to get yourself a June birthday, mister.
dad: yeah because my birthday is Christmas i end up getting no presents.
Dole: but you're Jesus so who cares?

* Dole: listen to the sound of my voice. hypnotized much?
tech: horrified more. humans shouldn't be at the beck and call of tech. X rays are unreliable.
Dole: yeah we have an unreliable narrator, too.
tech: bathroom's not here. don't pee in the x-ray tube.
Dole: yes, sir Nazi. gonna try on this dirty stethoscope, it's okay, i'm a stage manager. listen to the cadence of my awkward-pause Bertolt Brechtian voice. it's so soothing and coaxing.

* Dole: *listening* knew it, i have a soul but no heart. it's not annoying when i flick the lights on and off cos i'm a baby. baby vampire. swinging in the rain, swingin' in the dry heat...

* Day: you're that white woman with the black dude. you're a doctor? white women can't be doctors.
doctor: oh hello. thought i'd never see you again. do you have insurance?
Day: of course not, who has insurance?
doctor: let me know if you're feeling, like, you feel like you're going crazy. craziness.
Day: why is PSY here? that was, like, last decade, i don't know how to dance.
doctor: don't worry, it's not schizophrenia or anything, it's just anxiety.

* see, the Lego here is more useful, it's a disembodied floating minister.

* Tim Heidecker: we're gonna close the deal. nuff-said situation!, that's for an order of this show. sorry for spitting on the migrant like that i spit when i talk.

* Dole: i had to break my left knee to reach it up to the bench. the pain of being cool. and good digestion.
Tim: are you interested in more videos? as you can tell from my hair i'm a burnt-out rock star from the '70s. that's what humans do now, that's all humans do, make videos. i can make you a millionaire, you just need to follow these 7500 people on instagram.
Dole: Day is the ideas man. ideas boy. i'm just the monkey like Jerry Lewis.
Tim: you like non-red hats?

* Dole: sold. i like your butt. that's how i determine a person's sincerity. the butt is a person's true face.

* Tim: it's brilliant. connecting with people without actually connecting with people, contractually. try it out for a year then you can rip it up like you're LeBron James.
Day: i don't know who that is but he has a lot of followers. how many hours is it?
Tim: 300 a week. by comparison a construction worker works 600 hours a week. at night. underwater. to lay the cable that makes your internet possible.
Dole: that should have been the marketing campaign for Aquaman. you gotta get the bloggers on your side. nobody listens to me.
Day: this doesn't mean anything, right? this is just a piece of paper.
Dole: i can see myself in this mirror. i'm not squinting hard enough.

* mom, driving back home: i got a sweat treat for you kids when we get home!
Dole: pineapple?
mom: no. meet your stepfather!
Day: i got a real good feeling about this. things like this don't happen to people like us. this is too good to be true. the internet will still be around in 30 years, right? wait, oh NO! why is the sun a giant smiley emoji? am i still back at the hospital in a coma?
Dole: don't think such distressing things all the time. look out our window at those wild horses running in the fields.
Day: you're right, thanks. they are beautiful.
Dole: i spent all our money on them.

* take it from someone with no friends, honor your friends whoever and whomever and wherever they are. it's a blessing they're near you right now.

* y'know i think i'm gonna be a video-game person again. i was in the '80s but i still went to school, too. i got my chips salted-on-the-inside, my Zebra caramel corn, my chocolate-covered twinkies, and my Coke-brand water. that Detroit: Become Human looks cool. everything cool happens in Detroit. like RoboCop and stuff. artificial intelligence is the future......................just wish it would get here soon............


happy weekend, my babies. prediction: Switzerland will win the World Cup before Federer wins Wimbledon. again.


Jules said...

Ah... poor Federer....*)

the late phoenix said...

Federer scored all of Switzerland's goals...

I think this explains all the early-round upsets on the women's side. no energy, no will, no excitement. notice how the Wimbledon Fortnight is EXACTLY the last two weeks of the World Cup. exactly NOONE is watching tennis!