Friday, June 22, 2018




* i'm rooting for Bull: CLICK HERE

* the mystery of Staci Keanan, everyone's first crush and television crush, boy or girl. she should be on Big Bang now. i mean you just don't give up acting, fame, and glory for law. stagemom must have intervened and drawn up an ironclad legally-binding contract.

* Greg Evigan, i hear he's a country singer now...

* Jerry O'Connell knows where River is. he's dancing on the river

* in the '80s, you could only see movie trailers on the backs of VHS rental tapes.

* don't worry about those FBI warnings, Comey will take care of them for you

* the end of this dreambow is a nightmare. a recurring nightmare of sorts. when did we stop calling hunks dreamboats?

* Jerry is playing the cool Mr. Rogers. in a surpsie twist, the ethnic kid is also the bully.

* Jerry: it's not my fault, this computer is old! okay i'll watch some tennis.
black friend: American Gladiators. American Gladiators!

* Jerry: this paperwork isn't just gonna do itself.
wife: why not? i do myself all the time.

* i believe in magic wishes. but all of this is the result of inhaling the candle smoke.

* in the '80s, cool people wore open-toed sandals, Hawaiian shirts, and sunglasses with white plastic frames. and they drank milk from the carton cos kids weren't on them yet.

* whoa! it's the PlayStation Guy! i always feel bad for him, he had this really cool show which came on after the megahit ABC show, probably Desperate Housewives or something back then, that i thought never got a chance. it was funny and the star/writer of the show came on Conan that night with the most genuine hardworking smile on his face so proud of his creation before it was canceled the next week. Eden Sher from that show went on to acting, fame, and glory, but what about the rest of the Roseanne cast?

* fat Dr. Drew's really let himself go. i won't go there with the drugs. all HLN's fault of course.

* Ted Apples: how you like dem apples?
wife: okay that was kinda hot.
Ted Apples: your pussy's like a warm apple in newspaper on a New England chilly-night trashfire with cinnamon.
wife: shoulda quit while you were ahead.

* those bikini party girls were wished to Master Roshi by Bulma


* too many cooks in the kitchen spoils the broth on that kitchen countertop. WAY too early for a Holiday Special.

* check to see if the ethnic kid's NFL jersey is from a player who knelt

* does GrubHub deliver those new IHOB burgers? would really save me the trip on a Salinas country road

* wife/mom: Justin, your father's a good man, but he's a turkey so the whole Thanksgiving thing...kinda garlic rubs him the wrong way.

* poor kid didn't have the strength to snap a wishbone so they used a prop

* wife: like he's LITERALLY a turkey! don't ask me to sing the green bean casserole song, you know i don't know it!
Ted Apples: sorry about all the gravy on the countertop, ma'am, you really know how to gobble my giblets. please leave before my wife gets back.

* cop: are those coconuts you're showing me?
Ted: do you want them to be?

* wife: this sped-up version was the sex that conceived Justin in my belly.
Ted Apples: no time for food. there are no states anymore. just the state of fear.

* Ted Apples: i don't need your spray bottle like i'm a common disobedient housecat, dear! i watered myself this morning.
wife: are you cheating on me with the sun?

* Ted Apples: hey it's all legal now.
cop: it's still not legal to drive under the influence of a plant.

* wife: this is an intervention.
Ted Apples: but i got you a gift, son. it's from Toys R Us. it would have been a toy 4 months ago but then the bankruptcy and everything, it's not my fault.

* black boss: i want to talk to you tomorrow morning.
Ted Apples: about drugs?

* black boss: you should have stayed a piece of gum at the bottom of a shoe.

that would have been the title of Spalding Gray's next monologue

* Ted Apples: oh come on, wife! NOW you look hot and sexy?! NOW you decide to put on that robe you never put on before and look like Nana Visitor NOW that you've taken up with the cop?

* remember, all downward spirals can be soothed with a little Nine Inch Nails

* black friend: what's my name, man?
Ted: Plant Guy? hey i said Plant Guy not Black Guy.

* doctor: inoperable brain tumor.
Ted: what's the point of having a tumor if it can't be operated on?

* Ted: i don't have time to explain, just hand over the wish, boy! here, read this Nietzsche then grant me into Superman.

* Sad Dad, starring Keanu Reeves

* when they say it's your feature's not your feature presentation. it's never NEVER the correct format to fit your screen

* And Introducing Woody Allen as Writer, Director, Producer, and Bon Vivant

* kid: for the last time, we don't like being called sport. NO kid in the history of time has ever liked being called sport!!!

* wife: but first, coffee. it's like what you do, honey, with the selfies at the suicide forests. don't believe what they say, not all cum tastes the same. this one has the distinct flavor of weak authoritarianism and tears.

* oh please no more cries, not this week i can't take it. i'm praying hard here.

* Jerry O'Connell: and these were the lengths i had to go to to get a blonde.


happy weekend, my babies. dark horse: Switzerland. this World Cup tournament has already been determined and funded. it is secretly run by the Federer Feds. there is no deep state, the Swiss people are so nice they are upfront about their state and keep their island banks open 24/7. they can't have Swiss bank accounts themselves

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