Monday, June 11, 2018


when i was young, i didn't need to believe. i knew He was Risen, i could see it with my own two eyes of a child. i turned on the tv and watched Alexi Lalas put his hand on his heart and sing the national anthem and i knew he was Jesus, alive again. it was His Miracle when we got that World Cup ball that was red.

what is Alexi Lalas thinking right now? listen i'm the last person who would ever be labeled jingoistic, but the World Cup this quarter quadrangle is gonna be quite weird without the United States in the tournament. it's just gonna be strange to watch. i mean it wasn't like i was more invested when the U.S. was playing, but the U.S. was playing which was always a curious thing to watch. i'm not sure why i would watch without a rooting interest, except of course for when i take those long eternally expansive train rides in the Siberian snow where one can contemplate his or her existentialism and think about what post-Putin Russia will look like after Putin has so graciously decided to relinquish power after five years or so...

prediction: England over Iceland in the final

my spectacle juices are up, but do you see Alexi Lalas's pained expressions when he's doing the tv spots for Telemundo about how everyone is ready to analyze and go all-in on the Mexican National Team? it's awkward, what is the entire billion-dollar Fox Sports machinery paid-for in advance supposed to do with the U.S. out? they have to cheer on El Tre. you can see the steam coming out of his grin-and-bear-it clenched-teeth smile as Lexi does the promos. he's pretending to be excited but he's muttering in his closed mouth for El Tre to kick tres rocks. cheeks as red as his hair. Alexi wants to still have his Viking hair but he can't cos he's corporate now. Alexi Lalas does not give a fuck about the Mexican National Team.

i mean did you see the Triple Crown? that was the easiest Triple Crown of all time. NBC Sports panned to the crowd in the stables and they were all one-clapping and going


it was the most muted celebration for this feat which is otherwise otherworldly and considered the hardest to achieve in all of sports. all the air dropped out of the room, which is quite the feat since it was outside. you could hear a horseshoe nail drop, get rid of all the horseshoes!!! you see? it's happening. nobody cared anymore. it just wasn't the same. god bless Justify, you were born in the wrong era. poor thing's just a horse trying to get by. you are the Second Red Sox title, not the First One after 80 years. even Baffert was like, "yeah, this one's for Mike Smith, he deserves it. but American Pharoah will always be my first love." ours, too, Bob, ours, too. btw is the investigation wrapping up?

1. if you were an ice-cream flavor, what would you be and why? pizza. cos there's no such thing as bad ice cream. you know Wendy's named the Vanilla Frosty after a technique of mine.

2. what are the best sexy skills you bring to a sexual relationship? when i lick an ice cream cone, i lick the cone off first, leaving the ice cream to float in midair. that's how sexy my tongue is.

3. what is the single largest problem causing you angst in your romantic relationship (current or most recent relationship)?

time and distance, which are the same thing if you blink hard enough. pro tip: your third eye is not supposed to blink. time is a construct, as Hannibal Buress says. hey after the Cosby thing this man is a clairvoyant.

i do not know how to love. i'm working on this with my therapist. my therapist and i are in love. it's her fault, she told me to list my heroes. i said Mick Jagger who seduced his own therapist.

4. what is the best part about being in a relationship with you? i'll leave you alone, i won't bother and pesky you with endless DMs. i won't pester, i'll eat the bugs on my trail. i'll spend large stretches of time off the grid without a word of contact, months and years of stone silence, all in advance of me still working on that novel/adult coloring book of mine. it's harder to draw than to write.

5. what is the biggest misconception people have about you? just cos i live in Carmel doesn't mean i'm rich. i'm dirt poor, we got our house on a lucky break. and we're paying for it now, constantly under threat of losing it. i've had to scale back to such a degree. i now grocery-shop once a month. i look like the Superman from The Flashpoint Paradox. Skinny Superman is my hero.

bonus: when you look at old photos of yourself, do you like what you see? yes, those were the glory halcyon days. there's a pic of me in soft cloudy with my little red overalls on with a giant picture of a lion in a cage buttoned on my front. an old man with Coke-stained teeth came up to me one day at the zoo and erased the bars of the lion cage with his pencil. he told me all vegetarians were frauds cos they still ate animal crackers. that fucked me up for life and i never returned to the zoo again.



Cammies on the Floor said...

Damn your tongue is so sexy! That's mad skills

the late phoenix said...

cam: I think my tongue is magic

Jules said...

England over all! It is time, my sweet! Three Lions On A Shirt!

1: Dystopian Vanilla.

2: Awkward tension and straws.

3: In order to understand me you must accept that I am not you. A rarity. Thus, it is all such a short shelf life.

4: I own Noops. And Kevin.

5: All of it.

Bonus: Fear.


the late phoenix said...

1. Dystopian Vanilla is the brand everyone in 1984 enjoys licking for ice cream. the thing is, none of them would say they were living in a dystopia...

2. i gave up asking for straws at diners, doing my small part for the environment, my therapist ordered me to do this

3. my therapist is helping me to come to terms with the fact that i am not me

4. and Bowser

5. when i was talking about misconceptions, my therapist handed me a microscope and smiled. no idea, absolutely no idea

bonus: i had a breakthrough. i loved Big Brother. not like that, i actually just think he's a very handsome man *)