there's a knock at the door. of course.
And Change: what. i told you. do you ever sleep?
The Line: no i told YOU brotha nigga. i told you to be at that meeting! you should have seen me in all my glory. but you didn't. you know i don't care about the fellas, they're yes-men, don't tell them dat i mean don't let me find out you told them dat. i wanna hear you talk about it. i sat in the middle of that theatre and watched all the movies rolling on the big screen. we saw Holon's pathetic youtube response vid up there. inbetween his few limited-vocabulary ranty words---and make no mistake this boy was a rant---which was mostly him opening his small crooked mouth to spit in the air, he managed to stay online long enough for us to discover his real-world location. he lives with his disabled aunt.
And Change: yeah, that was me. i was at the meeting. in a way. i streamed it all from my basement. i melted that meeting, fool! you pay me to reconfigure the drones to reconnoiter them to serve our ends. i bury the drones in the halls of the place of reconnaissance for our renaissance. they provide me with all the details i need to relay to you. i know all the enemy's hideouts and planned points of future attack. i know where they live. you know where i live but I know where you live, ya feel me. i see all from my below room, all the blueprints, all the blue. i use those heat maps the World Cup uses to show how well Ronaldo is hitting his spots on the field and how not well Messi is.
The Line: basement, aye?
And Change: nothing. so what else did you accomplish today? what did you do in school today? i feel like a father to Son.
The Line: oh you di'n let me finish.
And Change: imma let you finish
The Line: well from our newfound underground funds from this latest successful hit we acquired the services of one very famous group of pranksters, the four kids from Disney's
Walk the Prank. my, uh, niece loves that show. they bursted through Holon's door while he was speaking thinking we swatted his puny punk ass. he went into a rage, more of a rage, and started to talk crazy even for him. he goin' on about how he wants to strip naked in camera to really feel tribal in front of the whole world. don't he know only one man can pull off the nude suit? Holon flies out of his own window, he defenestrated himself in defeat, and it was the most hilarious thing ever, surely their best prank to date. you should see this show, they get into some dank shit and dark things for a kid's show. heavy. like flat earth and doxing toxic commenters and the emptiness of video games in the search for meaning, significance, and control. before the frizzy girl had a chance to say, "you're on a hidden-camera show" and "you were amazing", Holon has gone into hiding---again---but not before the girl shuffles through his papers on his Nazi-carved desk there and steals the location of this cell's master. you should have seen her mouth as she waded through all the spit of his on that desk. turns out it's a mistress. yeah, surprised me, too. Shakira. that wasn't a prank.
And Change: have you no qualms?
The Line: i told you, the show is impressively progressive, not dumbed down. kids can handle this. they have to in our world. oh yeah, and there was the McDonald's thing did you see dat? trended on twitter. i couldn't believe my beleaguered eyes when Bump shown up at the same McDonald's as me!
And Change: the one in Oakside?
The Line: no the one in Sun City. the protection gets laxer and laxer out of disinterest and his loudness. he boisterously struts up to the counter but i stand in front of him, leer over him, i'm taller like a tree than he is fat, and just stare at him silently for five minutes, blocked his order. WE in line. i stood there like a scarecrow just long enough for Rachel Maddow to catch another fish for his filet-o-fish---they started to bite again---come in through the back window, and replace his order with the rotten fish. it was magical. but you know what? when i was looking through him, i realized sumin'---this was not the man. he was not the one. he had a big head but he was not the head. i quickly lost interest in his purse mouth.
And Change: sign of the times. well on level i suppose this was a good incident for you. an outcome where you realized you can put down your weapon and affect change in more, uh, constructive ways.
The Line: oh lawd i haven't put down my weapon, jus' switched it. switched the game up. i'm always holding my gun in my hand, my big black wet rifle, my glistening cock. i'm bout two things: pussy n' power. and my own fleet of planes. yeah you're inspiring me, my video-game geek.
And Change: please don't equate me with any of your groups or theories. i've seen it, i've seen stable black men who marry also collect comic books and discuss imaginary comic battles online for some reason.
The Line: you've inspired all of us the group, my nigga nerd. i'm bout to take a more erudite approach. yeah, yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah yeah. like the head, right? use your head. so, well, i'm gonna divide the world up. you're either on my side or the wrong side. it's so brilliantly simple. you'll know us from the trail of our dead. you'll know all of us cos we'll be the ones wearing brown headbands.
And Change: shit, man, don't take the bait! you got that off Holon's next video from his aunt's house, he was wearing an orange headband.
The Line: gotta scram. my twitter's calling a'lackin'. i need to fuck a bitch, for real. catch you on the flip. next time we meet it be off the chain. i'm bringing all these back, our culture is coming to America. we're the real army of patriots, the one who will fight the first war that actually mattered.
on a plane in a place faraway. something transpires that is more consequential to the remaining history of the world and universe than anything that could ever be conceived out of the labs of clans:
Clara Daly tries to sit on her plane seat but despite the cushioning of the seat and her butt she's finding a hard time of it.
Clara: it was the phone in the back of my bluejeanspocket! i'm such a ditz!
but then something consequential happens which jolts the brave girl out of her usual summer doldrums of pretending to be dumb and cute. she hears Tim Cook the blind man next to her wail in pain.
Clara: what's wrong, good sir? your cries are etching on my heart. i know sign-language. i can read your hands. i'm only first-year tho...
Tim Cook: yet you have more love in your soul and ears than adults who will only have years. you're Jesus Christ! in the flesh! show me your Jesus hands! Jesus can be a girl, too.
Clara: touch your hands to my hands, let us clasp them together and be one bond in brotherhood. put down your melted coke and your wet casino motel napkin and bare computer laptop, this is about what we have lost in this cold world. feel the warmth of my knuckles, it's exciting and tingly and warm. this is real palm-reading. i know what you're saying, i can read your quiet lips, i can interpret your moans, they are the moans of abject loneliness. you don't want anything in particular, you want to be seen. look deeply and longingly into my eyes as i am on your eyes.
Tim Cook: i can't. my eyes aren't closed, i'm blind. are you Carson Daly?
Clara: no. Carson Daly is on this plane but no one cares. you called for
me. it is destiny that we come together like this. you are not alone. you are not alone anymore. give me your email.
Tim Cook: i'm not good with computers, i'm better with humans. as you can see demonstrated in that Subaru ad i did. i'm the blind man in that ad.
Clara: oh yeah, Tim Cook! the other Tim Cook. you were fantastic in that spot, so heartwarming. so inspiring. i could feel the ocean in your eyes.
Tim Cook: it was on my face. President Bump sent a hurricane to fuck with this plane's trajectory cos he thought i was the Apple Tim Cook. luckily this plane didn't go down and crash cos Bump hates to read and is not known for his training or we'd all be doomed.
Clara: i heard just like you. The Bump Administration has gone too far this time! imagine. the nerve of that man to commandeer all the United States and European private airline industries' planes and refashion them into war jets for his immense army. fighting for anything but mutual understanding makes me sick to my stomach. this is one blonde for the truth!
there's a bump in the air. Doryce and Gladyce are on the plane.
Doryce: has the artichoke dip come? did we make it to Club Zanzibar yet?
Gladyce: fraid not, dear. wait are we going to the one in New Jersey or the one in Canada? this isn't the usual Joisey-bashing. i've never wanted to go to Canada more.
Doryce: whatever the one Caravan Tours takes us. whatever the illuminaughty one. whatever the one where i can finally realize my dream of being a strip girl.
Clara: i had no purpose before i met you. i texted endlessly. i was an airhead who liked licking Airheads and had a hula hoop in my hand. now my head is filled with vital information. now i'm staying off the candy for i need to share that information. i am still a bubbly teenager from Cali but i'm bubbly for a different reason. the bubbles are not from cool. and i give my hula hoop to you. put it around your waist.
Clara and Tim are joined at the hip forever in yellow. the other passengers aboard think it's a bomb.
Clara: i get you. i get lonely and sad at times, too, even at my young inexperienced age. cos we are living in this age. let's hold our hands together again and read each other with our fingers. no. no, not there! here, here, up, up, up here, my hands, not there! soon there won't be any more coal and silver left on earth for all the pins and patches. i am your stranger in the dark.
Tim: please, one more thing, it's all i ask of this life, humor an old man. speaking of your stomach. just tell me, are you hot?
at The Store, Pete Davidson is buying some doughnuts for his beloved.
Pete: DOOOOOOO-------NNUUUTTTTSSSS. eight donuts, a very infinity illuminati number.
Ariana Grande: thanks, babe, i'm stuffed. why are you buying lottery tickets? you already won. you won the contest. you won life.
Pete: just in case. i don't remember entering. this is why we really came here, to buy these. here, put on this brown headband.
Ariana: oh you got matching ones, cute! is this like the Harry Potter Star Wars costumes thing for insta? okay, honey. we robbing the store to excite our juices to amp up our sex life after the heist in the motel room later that night?
President Bump and Giuliani are held up in their secret location, a place no one can spot, their newest ice army base in Antarctica. Giuliani secures the locals as only he can. he waddles up to the stage where the big screen is. he rolls around with some pigs who are really pink-spraypainted penguins. the projection to the screen is on light rays so crystal-clear on the spidery snowy atmosphere.
The Penguin's huge beak is front and center on the screen.
The Penguin, squawking out echoically:
TRUTH IS RELATIVE
Bump is in the center of the seats, he doesn't clap but instead claps weirdly above his head in unsyncopated meter and chants "whoppee, whoopee, whoopee!"
Bump: i better change that to "Rosie! Rosie! Rosie!" soon. i love movies. especially the old ones. the propaganda ones are so beautifully-done. i knew we had a propaganda film in us as a country and i was right. i got only the best people to do it. Robert De Niro of course plays the lead, he's a better boxer than even Jack Johnson. and those two cute biracial kids from
Cloak & Dagger play the kids in love. speaking of the great lovers, we have Peter Strzok and Lisa Page playing themselves as only they can. FBI stands for Fucking Being In love. take a look at this scene, it's the final cut:
on screen, Peter Strzok takes off his derby and plops it on the tiny kitchen table. Lisa Page undoes her skirt and places it down like an apron over the table like a white cloth.
Ren + Stimpy music plays in the background.
Lisa: tough day at work, honey? hold my nuts and here's your beer and tell me all about it.
Peter: we'll stop it.
Lisa faints on the table.
Lisa: no, dear! i'm nothing without you. we must continue this surreptitious relationship. i'll never have sex this hot again. you don't get this kind of sex within the bonds of marriage. we might as well go through with it...
Peter: but i'm about to have my marriage annulled. you should, too!
Lisa: no, man! it won't be as hot if you end it. call it the spy in me...
Bump undoes the knot of his tie. he's feeling warm. it's unusually hot in Antarctica. at first he thinks it's from the steam coming off this hot movie but he sees that it's from the river of trash by his feet, normally frozen over, there's so much trash laid at his feet between him and the stage that it's starting to melt itself into a messy acidic bubbly swill of swale penetrating through with sharp toxic glow sticks of green gelatinous gasses of wafts.
Bump: haha! i love romance. *putting on glasses* i like that the film is black-and-white, very French. i hope those two crazy kids make it, they deserve each other.
LeBron James and Draymond Green come in the theatre and sit down next to Bump on either side closing him in like a Roman bread. sitting down the human trees' heads still touch the blue ceiling.
Bump: oh hi guys.............................yeah i had to pardon Jack Johnson..................Jack Johnson is me, y'know?.....................okay well i'll just get up here and take a walk in the snow yous enjoy your evening.
Draymond Green: pass the popcorn, player.
LeBron: *munching* 5/4? that's stupid! that's so unfair. it should be harder, it should be like tennis, it's gotta be 6-4 or you go to the tiebreak.
Bump: agreed.
the two trees, not Bump, bump.
Draymond: we cool?
LeBron: yeah. you gotta give it up to your enemy when the prank is brilliant. respec is respec. that thing you did? using my own Arthur fist meme against me? by putting your three gold NBA championship rings on Arthur's fist on your T shirt in the parade? you a genius. i know i'm the ideas man but you a genius. i'm getting ideas. me and Kawhi in L.A. i'm gonna say hi to Kawhi by introducing myself as LABron James and cawing to try and make him laugh. staying very low to the floor. watch your back! next year we're the Superteam, we're the ones coming for you. we're gonna get you, sucka.
Draymond: coming for you is not the same as gunning for you.
LeBron: you know why i let you win in the quickest four games possible, right? i wanted to prepare for the World Cup, the real event everyone will be talking about this summer! look up there! i love Messi!
Messi is seen at the National Anthem holding his sinuses and crumbling his head into his two fingers.
Bump: now THAT's the compromise on the Anthem we need! tell Congress to act it's not my fault.
Messi: i have a splitting headache! ref, can i get a few Vanquishes before the pitch match?
ref in short shorts: fraid not. on the banned list with valerian. that we know of currently. what seems to be the trouble? you're under too much pressure? you have to do it all on your own? have you called up Ronaldo to commiserate?
Messi: yes but he's not a good teacher. he's quite selfish. he tried to teach me to penalty-kick but i couldn't understand what he was saying. you'd be surprised how different our languages are.
ref: why are you in such pain? forgot the words to your anthem?
Messi: no. okay, i tell you. i had Germany in my pool going all the way. i lost way more than tax money...
at the basement:
And Change: Mulatto Messiah here, fam. fam, tonight as you can tell from my low frustrated deflated voice this is gon be my rousing pep talk for y'all. i bring you an urgent message. and i am not an alien. this is the First Purge. but it's real. everyone else out there in youtubeland giving you life advice be playin', they're just tryna sell you Herbal stuff. and the longer insta videos which are just youtube on instagram. this is a REAL call to arms. something must be done urgently. the time is now! i mean, what's next? Bump's gonna bring back sumptuary laws? i'm skinny enough as it is!
this is about the child. i do everything everything i do i do it for Son. it's all for Son. what if Son was an abortion? do we want to live in a world where Son doesn't have the choice to be healthy? to have the choice to marry samely? this is for that girl on the plane who doesn't know where she's going.
why must things be so consequential? why can't we all be swingers? we shouldn't live in a world where choices are so consequential as to affect the direction of existence for 30 years. i mean that's more than elections! we shouldn't have lifetime anythings! no lifetime appointments, they reek of dictators and despots and pots calling kettle barbells and dandies with dry candies. a lifetime is too long. for anyone. eventually everybody breaks.
And Change rearranges the lyrics to his famous one song this night when he plays it, adding new lyrics appropriate for the occasion:
on this OCCASION we got an OCCASION
to celebrate, OCCASION won and now we're done
but this fight is only light, we must tooth and nail it
till we nail it
till we build a dentist's house/
The Left is right, but only if they fight
let's see the Left really be The Left
this time. for this time. let's see Charlie Brown and the detective work toward better electives...
only through social only through social
we need Flake to be a snowflake...
as he's dancing you can see in the background his three signs made with brown paper and brown sticks, already ready-made: DISSOLVE in black paint three institutions: ICE, NRA, and SC
And Change: shhhhh, gotta go, fam, i've begun watching Sportscenter. i only like the one with the guy with glasses. oh, those are for tomorrow. see you there at the meeting. i won't dissolve the last bit of tape at the end like i normally do. for these aren't normal times. you know where it is.
he takes off his brown bald cap and places it on his desk. he looks next to the skull at the brown headband laid out in a straight line but doesn't move his fingers to touch it.
And Change: i know, fam, i know it's scary. it's scary cos you've never had to fight before in your life, really fight. me neither. i'm an indoor cat. i'm not an outdoor person. but this is differenter than anything that has come before. there are certain times. i mean he's seriously gonna choose a judge based on that judge's love of taxi medallions. life is not a game for people like you and me, that's our normal he's messing with. that's why we play chess in the park. and so for the first time in my life i will fight, i will fight alongside you. i will play hardball with fire and balls. i will join you on your righteous quest. to save the princess.
he takes off his brown bald cap and dons on a pink pussy hat.
And Change: and so for the first time in my life.................i will vote.
