#ATOZCHALLENGE: P IS FOR PARKER LEWIS CAN'T LOSE

Parker Lewis Can't Lose was my first indication that something was wrong. was different. was it me or was it my tv? the Nineties were starting, this new delicious decade was filling up the lower lids of my eyes and my consciousness was about to be canceled. it was time to take the trip that would end my life.

i haven't felt this good since i watched Just For Kicks but that might have been the AYSO nostalgia calling.

in 1990 i was 12 years old, right on the cusp of all human understanding. i knew what sex was and i wanted some. i loved homework. it's a blessing that i was able to experience both homework and tv in my life. my life ended with my childhood. i never had a female principal who wasn't a nun. this show was right up my alley cos it was weird, it could be weird for the both of us, for i dare not be weird in those fraught times for fear of being shoved in a locker. y'know i was never shoved in a locker. bless. don't know if our lockers were too small or the nerds were too fat or it just wasn't en vogue for our bullies to try such a thing. that seems very much just a "tv" high school thing.

this was the birth of quirk, the early strains of anti-comedy. and where the hell is Corin Nemec?!

this was on FOX which retained the alluring aura of anti- in those days. the station of the Simpsons and Married... with Children, the keepers of the flame, the nadir of naughty, sex jokes at 8PM! Al Bundy (whom i always confused with the serial killer) and his shoes and beer and hand down his pants, and Homer Simpson eating all those radioactive donuts, thank god these were not my beloved father or i'd be dead right now.

it was about high school and i was starting 7th grade so this was my future. y'know NOT ONCE was my 7th and 8th grades ever called MIDDLE SCHOOL. or even junior high. it was always just 7th grade and 8th grade. was it cos it was Catholic? we'll never know.

CLICK HERE AND SMOKE YOUR FIRST BOWL

fuck i don't remember that smoking hot blonde in the cast

Parker, the cool-as-the-other-side-of-the-pillow babyfaced assassin with the creepy shit-eating grin and Richie Cunningham haircut who, well, couldn't lose. he wore those skinny pants and garish floral-print untucked shirts everywhere. i had those same shirts but wasn't nearly as cool. dude what happened to this dude?! Corin Nemec had the keys to the kingdom and disappeared. i respect his wanting to leave the business but why not sell your soul for a few years and see how it tastes? i mean he was poised to be the next Brad Pitt. or better yet Johnny Depp!

frankly i don't remember any of his too-cool-for-school tv-Ferris-Bueller lines. more permanent in my head is the vivid memory of Corin on a hidden-camera show getting pranked on. cos you know he was the master of pranks on his show. that was the only time i saw him do anything outside-related. i know there's an interview of him as an old man but it's too sad to watch.

Mikey Randall. what happened to this dude as well! he was supposed to be the next Richard Grieco! i remember his black shirt and the unbuttoned other shirt over that that was always plaid. this was kinda my first indication that plaid was gonna be the material of the decade. quoting song lyrics, spouting sweet nothings in cheerleaders' ears, guitar-type. and a loser i guess cos only Parker wins.

Jerry Steiner a troubled nerd involved in NASA and conspiracy theories. and he wore that grey trenchcoat which was not cool. even at a tender age i could tell that was creepy. school shootings weren't a thing yet. i imagined he would have openly masturbated on school grounds if he could. into computer games, i'm assuming. Mario honk. kind of a needy Inspector Gadget. he wasn't whining, that was his normal speaking voice. but he had that Ben Stiller hair and goofy grin and he was funny as fuck so what are you gonna do? he was me and i was him.

Grace Musso my first older woman. Melanie Chartoff had dem gams in those silk black heels. i wonder how good she looks now. i'd take her acting class. i'd get coached by her. never had a female principal i could fuck so she was it. everyone else's Mrs. Robinson was actually Mrs. Robinson, i never saw that movie, Principal Musso was my Mrs. Robinson. she was constantly fed up with Parker but was always cute when she was angry. she had that famous "thumb swoosh" gesture. always wanted her to thumb-swoosh my ***

Maia Brewton! oh Maia i uh had the largest crush on her. give me a break i was but a boy at the time. Shelly Ann falling gracefully into that snarky younger-sister mold. yeah i saw that babysitter film she was in where she plays the same part, knowing more than she should. this girl fomented destruction and it was hot.

KUBIAC! really the star of the show. Abraham Benrubi's breakout. ever since then you've seen him everywhere, right? you know who Abe is, Abe will play the gentle giant, or tough, in something you will have watched, you know that face, full beard or scraggly beard. here he's a baby...giant. he plays the dumb bully trope well, the lumbering lug, the Clint Eastwood cut-eye sliver stare, the Hulk movements, the insatiable hunger, the stupid slow glow. PLOT TWIST: it was all an act! he's really smart. and Abraham in real life is a scholar, right? PhD?

oh and LEMMER! fucking Lemmer! i had forgotten about Lemmer! but now i remember. my first goth! before i knew what "goth" was. i swear between Lemmer and The Munsters i was getting a dark subliminal education! he was also my first asshole. and my first slicked-back straight-as-fuck raven hair in a ponytail. and first all-black ensemble. and first tongue like a snake. silver snake. or black snake. or skinny black snake. not an anaconda. thin pallid Richard Grieco? he slept upside-down perched to the ceiling!

if you don't watch this show, it's your loss

CLICK HERE. LEMMER IS A VAMPIRE BAT

CLICK HERE. TURN ON THE RUSSIAN SUBTITLES, IT'S OUR FUTURE

DID SOMEONE ORDER THE WEDGIE SALAD? I NEVER GOT WEDGIED AS A KID (COS I NEVER WORE UNDERWEAR)

LET'S ALL WISH MAIA BREWTON WELL ON HER SECOND CAREER. GOOD LUCK WITH THE FAM!

MILLA ON PARKER! Y'KNOW SHE WAS A HOT 15-YEAR-OLD BUT SHE DOES NOTHING FOR ME AS AN ADULT WOMAN, CLICK HERE

P: Psi Factor, supreme space show, i LOVE Matt Frewer and think he's severely underrated, he's a BRILLANT actor in the canadian sci-fi generation who should have seven Emmys, been in all the best shows, and the weird factor of having Dan Aykroyd (?) host, but i couldn't remember any of the episodes or plotlines. X-Files ripoff but a good X-Files ripoff. Party of Five, more serious than Everwood. JLH's tits, those were seriously huge. Peep Show, saw one half-episode. Pensacola: Wings of Gold and The Daily Buzz kept me company right after dad's death. Andrea was on both. Phineas and Ferb, greatest G-rated show there will ever be. Pinwheel, dank. The PJs, danker than dank. there's something about urban clay that makes you feel alive. and less animated than what you're witnessing on screen. Punky Brewster, too disturbing. Primeval, never the same after the main character got killed, which is a brave thing for a show to do, and the bird with the huge tits left.

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