#ATOZCHALLENGE: J IS FOR JANE AND THE DRAGON

i ADORE this show. always have, always will. you know of my insane affinity for medieval times. not the themed restaurant forever ruined by Ben Stiller but the actual time period in history. quick primer: i believe in a past life i was a page in a tunic and feathered cap in medieval times. who made deliveries in a covered haywagon i guess. whether or not i drank any Gummiberry juice the dreams don't say. they probably do but i forget each time. so i love anything to do with gleaming swords, wooden playswords for that matter, princesses in tattered ballgowns, pearl-encrusted tiaras, kings with beards and fluffy pajama robes, jesters without clown makeup, magic, magic dust, magical trinkets, talking horses, black forests, castles of hewn aquamarine stone susceptible to the slightest firearrow, black cats freely roaming the village, carpenters who were the real christians, blacksmiths who dabbled in theatre, doctors who used slugs in their practice and discovered the first porn carved on the side of a tree, maidens who hated being called maidens, ladies-in-waiting who waited for no man, and warlocks. there were no witches, you're just mad she dumped you. wizards, who strangely DIDN'T use slugs in their practice. giant ogres but no tiny ogres. newts. dragons, which were giant newts. real dragons breathed ice. mills. but no milliners, yet. tarts, both the whores and the cakes. real homemade bread in loaves. terrifying mountains. simmering cauldrons made of a boulder. bundles of twig. when alchemy was real. real science. and the harshest curse word you could utter was not fuck but fallow.

back when monks were cool.

never really into shields. suits of armor were too cumbersome. moats were the first try at environmental architecture. chastity belts were the birth of kink.

have you noticed there are no dogs in medieval times?

btw before we begin what's the deal with playing cards? if they did indeed have their seed in medieval times. i get the heart, heart is a universal symbol, the spade the tool of the working serf, and the club representing all the trees. but the diamond is a stretch, it's like the diamond was put there by a focus group in a New York City office. you would think it would be gold or something.

here's to gold to replace diamond as the new suit.

Jane follows in a long line of ginger heroines who have...i really don't want to use spunk anymore. it's of course all due to her red hair. this heroine is skinny like me so i relate (nothing to do with heroin). she's a beanpole but she fights like a motherfucker so never let down your guard. her heart is as big as a Wimbledon sun. and that red hair is frizzy like mine. she's a great main character, doesn't take shit from anyone, even shit as you'll see later, calls out the unjust, hates hierarchy, loves her friends fiercely, and has a secret crush on her enemy (maybe).

this premiered on the oft-ridiculed Qubo block for me, which was like NBC for kids. the only thing of merit it ever showed before folding. but this is a once-in-a-generation masterpiece. now time for my daily cry: there supposedly is a whole second season of this brilliant show that was never broadcast. or it was never made it's hard to tell. no one's talking under fear of the stretcher. if it was made and never broadcast that is a crime against humanity and scholars everywhere.

the animation. it's like nothing you've ever seen, right? then or since. it's all bubbly, dotty, made of little pieces of grain, rural, rugged, the colors are blunted the way you'd expect a medieval sky to be. faded with light. fraught. it's like it was drawn only using grey paper the way Batman: TAS only used black. it's warm and wonderful and storybook.

the character designs. they are freaky. don't look Jane too squarely in the eye, she has the face of a not-quite-right marionette. stop-motion with the dots i think. they are literally puppets come to life.

medieval adventuring, life at its finest. they played bandyball. Dragon is a smartass with an English accent who was the first vegetarian. Dragon of course thinks all human rules and practices are stupid and don't conform with nature. and he would be right. Jester, always in blue (and blue on the inside but he never shows it, sad clown syndrome). Smithy, town hunk. Verbena "Pepper" Salter, the sweetest waif of all time. Verbena is like the best name ever. Jane will be jealous of Pepper's curves when they become teens. Rake, Pepper's bitch. Gunther, the villain who seems mean and heartless but who really just wants to touch Jane's slim ass. Prince Cuthbert, the Shrek holdover. Sir Ivon Mackay, the Man-At-Arms of the show, He-Man Man-At-Arms. Boarmaster the veteran. Queen Gwendolyn the pleasant blonde. and the mysterious Oz-like wizard who is never seen.

the one knock is they never have Jane become an actual knight on the show. no reward for all her -in-training. at least not in the first season. Maggots! and now i cry again.

CLICK HERE FOR A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE. NO IT'S REALLY A FULL EPISODE THIS TIME, I'M NOT JOKING LIKE JESTER. THIS EPISODE WAS BANNED ON AMERICAN TV FOR THE DRAGON DUNG STUFF, DEEMED TOO DISGUSTING FOR KIDS

CLICK HERE FOR THE MELODIC INTRO SONG, NO DOUBT USING PANPIPES AND A LUTE

CLICK HERE FOR THE A TO Z CHALLENGE

and for Jared. i don't want to use the word c***, i despise that word. he's a nancyboy in a privileged vest in a warzone who gets to have Ivanka. but apparently he's getting some of the dirty work done...