TMIT: GRAHAM NORTON WOULDN'T SUE US, WOULD HE?

1. would you rather be smart or awesome?: awesome. smart got me here to blogland. The Miz is awesome, and look where his life has led. there are two kinds of people in the world: those who watch Real World, and those who are on Real World.

2. would you rather french kiss a cat or pleasure a frog?: this is an old Monty Python sketch, huh? i'm a cat person, i love my cat, but i don't love my cat. Disney frogs turn into princes, right? that doesn't help me either. i think i'd like to try riding a camel...for my vacation...i just realized vacation comes from vacate...as in vacating...yourself...and your...y'know...

3. would you rather live the rest of your life with Darth Vader's voice or Alvin the Chipmunk's voice?: the obvious answer is Alvin, if you want to be feared, Alvin's unnatural pitch sends the fear of God into folk much more than Darth's aberrant heavy-breathing would. the ultimate, though, is to combine the two voices, as illustrated by the brilliant crayon drawing above, all credit to the wonderful deviantart artist who composed that masterpiece. see, you mix the extreme low of James Earl Jones with the manipulated, speed-the-cassette-tape-up high of a Chipmunk and you get a nice, medium-range, normal voice that is sure to land you all the hot fuzz you want. just hide the light saber when she comes over...and the hula hoop...actually, keep the hula hoop...and the light saber if things are going well.

4. would you rather sail the Caribbean on a week-long free cruise with the ship's crew and 20 five-year-old children or shovel coal in a coal mine for a month?: i'm good with kids, i get them, it's 'cause i'm still a 10-year-old boy at heart. some call it child-like, others childish, the Bible says Jesus loves me. i don't trust those Caribbean cruises, they crash all the time, even the Pirates of the Caribbean ride stalls out on me, it happened once with me and my 3rd-grade crush, the damn electronic boat stopped with me right under that annoying skull and crossbones which taunts you relentlessly in that arrogant pirate voice, that pirate swagger which crushes the spirits of each boat full of noobs as you are about to take the first dark drop in the ride. i had to tell my date that it was the skull-head insulting her, not me, but she didn't buy it and stuck her churro in my nose. i know, i know, but back then, such an act was just considered full of cooties.

i was on one of those vacation cruise boats which capsized, i was alone in the community pool at the very tippy top of the ship's front point when a violent wave tossed me overboard. i went from one form of water to another. i was like Cleveland from The Cleveland Show in his bathtub as it comes crashing down one story of the house to the ground, i was like "no, no, no, no, no............."

nobody came to rescue me out there, no lifesaver, not even a Lifesaver candy...i was lost at sea...i was just lost...nobody loves me...not even Jesus.

coal-miner's daughter, she was my first, she brought me back to my country roots, made me forget about Trent, Billy, and Kurt, made me realize that the Bible is Love, and got me thinking about the upcoming new season of The Heart, She Holler on adult swim. i dunno, though, i still think Jesus doesn't really love me...

5. would you rather make an obscene phone call to your mother each week or get a text message from your father every time he's horny?: perish the thought!!! my mother is an angel, pure as the driven snow. she has never even had sex yet, give her a break. love you, Mommy!!! <3

my father is no longer with us, RIP, love you, Dad! Centipede...i'm gonna cry...but really, yeah, it would be Dad, it's a guy thing, y'know. being horny constantly is as natural to us as masturbating every minute, downing orange slices, and being good at tennis, every man knows this, every man instinctively knows how to pleasure a woman from watching hours and hours of porn non-stop on the college library computer.

6. would you rather have dinner with all of your exes at once or with five guys on death row having their last meal?: i don't have many exes, i would enjoy such a meal, i'd feel somewhat loved again, or at least tolerated hopefully, past love is better than no love. friendship lasts longer than cum, especially in my case: three seconds. i can count my exes on one hand like Mariah Carey says she can count her different sex partners on one hand...she says this, anyway...

...but those last meals from doomed convicts are usually quite fascinating, actually. this is their last chance to stick it to the Man, so they ask for all sorts of exotic items: caviar, truffles, the new Wendy's pretzel-bun cheeseburger. i could see counseling these souls heading straight to Hell one last time before the electric juice fills their bodies. sure, they're gonna be the Devil's Playthings, but remember a good memory from Earth? remember Sharknado on Syfy? that was awesome, it was this movie about this...sharknado thing...this thing, it's a, um, it's a tornado that's...filled with sharks...yeah...y'know, Sharknado was becoming an overnight sensation across the country, across the world, every celeb was talking about it, it was a sleeper campy hit...but then, that infamous final tweet about it...and i'm depressed again. Glee may have ruined song classics, but he was a cool guy. RIP.

bonus: write one unique question for possible use in a future TMIT: i'm tapped out after last week, but i must muster up my mustard for the cause of artistic freedom, so here goes:

1. do you like bread?

no, sorry, here's the real question:

1. friendship lasts longer than cumming. which of your online friends that you've never met would you like to meet in real life? which do you think you could become life-long REAL friends with? actual friends, like going out to coffee and movies with, gossiping with, kissing on the forehead, hugging, loving.


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