SSS: BETTER THAN A SMILE

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armor

guess what the F stands for?



misanthrope, dry, given up on the world/
glide, glide into my mouth, rest/
i eat like Pac Man all the world's trash/
this is really for the best.

i have learned, i have fucking learned/

congressman, high, figured out the real rules/
realized, realized he did not have the key/
change comes with money and responsibility
and secret men most importantly/

i have learned, i have learned fucking/

as i take a breather from all this typing, i lie down on my bed alone, thin sheets over me now that it's summer, slightly-cracked window to let the less-hot air in to combat my hot air. i really should have done this from the beginning, my mind is comforted by taking a 30-minute mental-health break, closed eyes, no tv or other digital distractions, the key is not to sleep, that's cheating, but rather to meditate, to lie in the absolute quiet and calm, to really feel your cells moving and soothe your nerve endings, to see as your eyes are closed, to see, see, see the black calm miles forward through my convoluted brain into the other side of the peaceful coin, an all-white screen.

i have lived, i have loved (i think), i have learned, i am not Alanis, i'm a wandering phoenix bird ready for his next sacrificial burning, this summer heat cooperates quite nicely with that.

i have learned that i am who i am, as Paula Deen would say, "I is what i is", i'm Popeye the Sailor Man, except my spinach is green beans, mmmmmm, green beans with butter, mmmmmmm, broccoli with a little soy sauce, squash with salt, squash with a racquetball racquet, racquetball, what an abomination, the bastard child of tennis, tennis for corporate executives, you can smell the dirty money in the air, wish i had dirty sexy money, just enough money to get by, me and my potential online lover.

i'm a loner, never meant for flesh friends, i can't fight it anymore, i sink into my bed, the water is cruel and suddenly there, downward whirlpool into the pond of my conscience's center, like that Silverchair music video, i have to be calm, acceptance is the first step, right? i was addicted to changing me, i must now be addicted to having me permanent through the winds of life's changes.

i can't snap anymore, i can't get angry at every little thing that goes wrong in my computer life, it's just a computer life after all, it's tissue paper, it's air, it's gone one moment and here the next, always here as a love replacement. sex? yes, but love, that's what the archaeologists are searching for with their outdated equipment, they stumble upon ancient dustpans yet still never learn.

i can only be me, it's literally impossible to be anyone else, it's wasted energy, i am the first human to defy science, i have actually destroyed energy.

THIS, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE, TAUGHT ME TO CHASE MY DREAMS.

it's one thing to have dreams and be taught to chase them, it's another to achieve them in the stark reality of a mass of others trying to achieve theirs. heads will get boot-stomped on the way to the stop, be kind to the little people, they catch you or not on the way down. trust exercises are more vital than the Corporation knows, they are team-builders, you need a team around you to achieve your dream, behind every successful man is a hot babe, i can do the cooking and cleaning, dear, be the strong woman that you are, be who you are meant to be, you have enough strength for the both of us, i have no strength at all.

i learned that there is something better than a smile of confidence across my lips, i wear a straight face of acceptance and resignation and calm and inner peace and the loss of will to fight.

i learned, i learned, i learned, i learned...





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