TMIT: THE ANSWER IS NO.

1. do you believe in marriage?: i'm transitioning into a hippie commune this week, i figured it was a nice compromise between the extremes of the monastery, '80s living, and disappearing, so i'm afraid i am now part of the hive mind, i have no separate thoughts of my own, i'm a company man...the current policy on marriage over here is "sex and fun before marriage", so i'm gonna have to go with that. your form letter is in the mail. thank you for interfacing with us. please enter the cold room for a shot in your neck before you leave the premises, just a precaution, we don't want you suing us for any diseases you may have caught while here, it's a panacea needle, harmless, we internally tag your cells, we can now monitor you forever, Scientology is the real truth, have an apple on us on the way out...i made the right life decision.

2. have you ever proposed marriage or been proposed to? details: only in my happy dreams...Berkeley, the blonde, drama class...no, i mustn't dredge that back up again, the counselors said no more before chaining me to this wall...see, this is the problem, i simply can't get past this memory in order to make new memories with new people...i'm forever fucked and stuck in the past. hey, "get past this past memory", nice :)

3. what would be your dream way of proposing marriage?: the drama blonde and i would wake up from the nightmare that she is still with that scruffy-bearded nerd and i am now a blogger...it's the Newhart bed-scene dream sequence, she is next to me in bed, we are two successful actors rising to the sound of the cock with two hours to spare before curtain at 8PM of our indie play starring Johnny Depp, everything in its right place---that's from Radiohead---i kiss her on her softest lips a woman has ever possessed all time, and i breathe a sigh of relief, no Twilight Zone ending. after the kiss, i whisper into her ear, "honey, will you marry me?" and she responds just as whispery, "honey, isn't life better when you just live and don't have to computer about it?" man, this chained-to-the-wall therapy isn't taking, huh?

4. what would be your nightmarish way of proposing marriage?: it fits into #3 above, except i wake up alone with milk on my tummy and a smelly blanket, lonely, small room, the drama blonde is Johhny Depp's partner, not just life partner, worse, acting partner! :( i am sad, genuinely sad, not just emoticon sad, and the scruffy-bearded nerd won't return my calls 'cause he thinks he's better than me. i email Blonde one last time asking for her hand, last-ditch effort to get back together, this stupid computer must be good for something in my life, but she and i both realize that Depp's charms run deep, i'm even falling in love with Depp now.

5. mainstream society has engagement rings. in your opinion, what token should be given to signify engagement?: one Fruit Loop

6. what do you think would have happened to have someone plaster "will you marry me?" on the back of their caravan?: life is hard, i feel for this person, driving is nerve-racking, i always feel i'm gonna slip off the road and onto the rocks and crashing waves when i drive up steep hills, don't know if that's the anxiety or maybe i don't want to admit to myself that i'm a bad driver 'cause i'm a man. the bumper sticker is a release, he or she wants love, we all do, without love there is no point. i've plastered the bumper sticker above in the pics i have there on my ceiling sex mirror to help me get through the day, there's a lot of harshness out there in the world, even in my commune, the hippies i know all have FUCK THE WORLD bumper stickers on the back of their large SUVs...

bonus: tell us about one person you would have proposed marriage to but never got the opportunity.: if i mention Drama Blonde again, i've signed this waiver paper thing where i've given permission for the hippies, doctors, counselors, nerds with beards, Johnny Manziel's frat posse, Johnny Depp, Tom Cruise the Scientologist, and everyone on the Berkeley campus and Rod Serling and the monks and Bob Newhart to really take a look inside my brain to see what the fuck is crawling around in there.

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