TMIT: EATING MYSELF

much hearty thanks to HEDONE for using my questions this week! love ya, babe :*



1. what is your favorite food and drink? please, tell us a tale of how these two items came to be so special to you, we'd love to hear about it: mayonnaise, 'cause the Smashing Pumpkins song and 'cause it looks like cum, well congealed cum anyway. blue Powerade 'cause Puck from Real World is still my hero and he said in one episode how he loved a certain type of blue-colored liquid because he felt like he was drinking Windex. Puck is my idol so i do everything he does.

honestly, the real story involves Pepsi and spaghetti and meatballs, but thinking upon these two will bring back memories of Michael Jackson and Mom, in both instances i will start to cry and not be able to type further...

2. have you ever incorporated the two items above or any food and/or drink into your sex play, like that certain famous film with the numbers in its title? do tell, don't leave out any saucy details: speaking of sauce, i'm on the right now. well, sure, i mean, the spank bank can run dry so you start thinking about all sorts of things to rev up the engines: Pepsi, spaghetti and meatballs, cored fruit, salami, hard salami, it all makes me hungry, both meanings. the only thing i can't stomach, pun intended, is when you have lunch directly after, y'know? you need a little time and space, it's the whole swimming-pool thing, wait an hour before you eat, the only exception is when you're about to eat Jennie.

3. do you have a food/drink-related pet name for your lover? does your lover have one for you? what are they? for example, pumpkin pie, tall drink of water: no girlfriend, as you all know, but i'll play along with myself: i'd name her Woman and she'd name me Man after that stark Twilight Zone episode "Two". man, that was a great episode, intensity comes not from dialogue, but from action. Rod Serling, i want to go where you are when i die and pick your beautiful brain for eternity. see the episode if you haven't already, eat popcorn while you watch it, that's a food thing. oh, it has to be a food thing? well, then, Man Drinking Pepsi and Woman Eating Spaghetti and Meatballs, those are some fine pet names. Dear and Honey are played out.

4. please complete this dramatic scene from a one-act play i'm working on for my local community theatre:

MAN: hello.
WOMAN: hi.
MAN: do you like rain?
WOMAN: what? rain, as in the weather rain?
MAN: no, i meant bread, i said rain, but i meant bread, i'm nervous around pretty women. do you like bread?
WOMAN: um, mister, did you know that my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard?
MAN: i know, i know, i drink your milkshake...





WOMAN: mister, you really get me, wanna get married?
MAN: sure. don't worry about the food arrangements, i've got that covered: i'll bring bread.

THE END



5. Garrison Keillor once said, "Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn." do you agree or disagree? make an argument for one against the other: i dunno, corn is pretty damn good, i mean you've got your corn on the cob, your corn niblets, buttered corn, fried corn, July 4th corn, Korn, corn sprinkled with a little salt, corn sprinkled with a little sugar, carnival corn that's always sprinkled backstage with a little clown pee...

...but there is CANDY CORN, which is FUCKING DISGUSTING. to this day i don't know the appeal of it, i dread when Halloween comes around and i have to picture those orange-and-white-striped death pellets of homogenized goo.

what? Jennie's here? she's dressed as Catwoman for Halloween? she likes candy corn? this is my life, folks, it's never an easy choice...

bonus: you have a best friend, this person has been your best friend since kindergarten. you are eating a bag of Cheetos on a park bench next to this friend. suddenly without warning, the friend smacks you across the face and exclaims, "Give me back my Cheetos, bitch!" what is your immediate reaction?

this sounds like those old Nazi behavioral experiments they used to do, intellectual exercises testing the human condition to its limits. well, first of all, i wouldn't be eating Cheetos, i don't eat Cheetos anymore, Cheetos for me were classic and good when i was a kid, but, i dunno, for some reason my interest in them has faded. it's not like Lucky Charms, which enjoys an unbroken throughline from my tongue from childhood to now in adulthood. i would take the smack, i'd let the pain hurt me, that's called relating to your friend in crisis, Amateur Psychology 101. i'd ask what was wrong, he must be going through something horribly traumatic to attack me like that. i know he didn't mean it, did he? he's got to give me a reasonable answer, no bullshitting, it must be something that makes sense, something out of the Amateur Psychology 101 book i found in the discount bin at Target or it's a no-go and a rethinking of the relationship. nothing? no childhood scars? you're just a dick? Cheetos mean that much to you? i'm out, Homey don't play that. besides, i like Doritos better, keep those chemical sticks of homogenized, artificially-flavored starch goo.

it ain't easy being cheesy...



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