OLACH IN ORLEANS: SALLY FORTH DIFFERENT

 

Olach: i'm scared.

Julie Patzwald: it's okay, you just have to talk to him in the daytime when he's charming.

Olach: i can't deal with Southern people, you know?

the Bourbon Street bar is surprisingly empty at 11 AM.

Dan Fielding: hey sorry about last night. did you know the Sour Cream & Onion chip was invented right here in New Orleans? a Louisianan delicacy. my house got hurricaned into a swamp last night.

Olach: yeah i'm sorry, too. can i call you A.J.?

Dan: um.........no. it's just.........the Night Court writers really screwed me over, you know? i wanted to fuck Abby Stone but they INSISTED it's more poignant if i'm her father figure...

back upstairs Olach is in Julie Patzwald's bed with her.

Olach: i'm scared.

Julie: i'm just applying your eye makeup. you never thought you'd see the day a woman of my caliber would be doing your makeup.

Olach: this is definitely better than sex.

Julie: when i look into your eyes, i see.........nothing. you know? all the light has left your eyes, you are completely dead inside.

Olach: the light escaped and went to Bali where they care about the environment.

Julie: you need eyes which reflect your mood. there are two types of goth eyes: the Rinnegan or olo.

Olach: olo's new...

Julie: all that's left is your pancake pale makeup all over your body. a goth body for a goth mind.

Olach: isn't it enough that i wear all-white and am skinny?  

Julie: do you want me to put it on using a powder puff or a mop?...

Glendora, CA: where Glinda the Good Witch is actually from.

Jen R: Wicked was the last movie i TOLD you i saw...

Mara from Progressive: but HAVING dinner every night is a blessing...

Red Dwarf: that's not a box set, that's a box city!!!

General Barry McCaffrey: this is my resting face...

the conclave: cardinals in jury duty...

Dr. Beverly Crusher: shouldn't it be fazer?...

JFK: if you're unclear, don't go nuclear...

Julie: are you Olach cos you're an alkie?

Olach: ask my mother.

Camus: you know what i learned being a soccer goalkeeper?.........PSG's fans are really stuck up. they're arrogant, they TURN THEIR NOSE UP at people, you know?

Jalen Brunson: the Villanova days, the halcyon days, Tournament time, when after a made shot i would close my eyes and open my mouth WIDE in jubilation.

Pope Leo XIV wandering the Villanova campus: much like my jubilation when i got the fuck outta the United States and let all those Peruvian pleasures sink into me.

Peruvian pizza: ...

Pope Leo XIV: we used to call Villanova Vulva...

law firm on Spanish channel: auto accident? we have a helicopter...

Edwin: there aren't any famous Edwins...

MC Hammer: my pants needed an MC Hemmer...

Johnny Depp in Blow: my River Phoenix tribute...

Jen R in St. Peter's Square: i'm wearing my seagull hat. with the flaps. nobody knows what a baby seagull looks like. would it be disrespectful if i wear my oversize novelty Pope hat? it's the same mitre i wear to San Diego Padre games...

Abbot Butt at the gym: hey can you hold my pectoral cross for me? it's chest day...

Leo XIV: call me Pope Bob From Chicago. i'll take a 7-Eleven dog on a roller. i like John Hughes, the Cubs, and Brooke Trantor. my favorite song is Alice In Chains "Man in the Box." at the conclave i stuffed The Meaning of Life inside a rotisserie chicken...

Cardinal Timothy Dolan: that chicken smelled like my grandmother's butt at the convalescent home.

Pope Bob: Chiclayo, not Chicago...

PBS: the greatest thing humankind has ever created.

Steven Keaton: Elyse will NEVER leave me now...

Mister Rogers: i wanted to wear Air Jordans on set instead of those godforsaken loafers.

Bill Gates: Elon Musk will never be invited on Sesame Street. why can't i be President?...

mom: it's old cough.

Alan Watts: can't be solved with syrup.

Alan Watts: nothing can be solved...

Julie Patzwald: you're borrowing my dead mother's brothel creepers for the rest of your life.

Olach: i couldn't. i mean that's creepy even for me.

Julie: hence the name brothel creepers. a goth man needs goth shoes. shoes have nothing to do with sex. you'll finally LOOK the way you feel.

Olach: i swear to you on our new friendship that i only solicited a whore once in my life and she wasn't your mother. 

Olach tries on the brothel creepers and steps outside on the cold Big Easy cobblestone.

Julie: notice the sound?

Olach: nothing. no sound whatsoever as i step foot walking the street.

Julie: whatever you say through the course of your day you're never heard. you're a shadowy specter with a smoking bottom lithely gliding floating one centimeter above the sidewalk...

Olach: the world can only afford to be goth in movies and fine films.

Julie: come on, let's go to Gretna for some crepes...

 

OLACH IN ORLEANS: TARAMASALATA

Olach: how long was i out for?

Julie Patzwald: zero minutes. you're still in the American pub.

Dan Fielding approaches.

Julie: he's smug, not drunk, which worries me.

Dan Fielding: well go on, show us your party piece.

Olach starts to unzip his pants.

Dan: no entertain us!!!

Julie: the jukebox's broken i guess.

Olach: oh well i can tell you the exact year New Orleans is gonna turn into a Raging Waters...

Dan: hey hey HEY. we don't take kindly to strangers in these parts. Royal Street is reserved.

Julie: why are you acting like you in that '80s Twilight Zone you were in?

Olach: i can tell you the exact meters.

Dan: this is Merica, son, we do inches. no woman has ever said my penis was 1 meter.

Julie: this place is getting heated on a rainy day. let's skedaddle and vamoose, come up to my room upstairs.

Olach: your bedroom is on top of a bar?

Julie: not very goth, but very noir.

parasocial: it's better than nothing.

Spies Like Us.

Bing Crosby: hello, i am the USSR Ambassador to the U.S. 

Chevy Chase: just looking for the Win, Lose or Draw taping. is Loni guest-hosting today?...

Dan Aykroyd: Donna Dixon, you are not pretty. but i HAVE fallen in love with your Jersey accent.

Donna Dixon: NEW Jersey.

Dan: i hate guns. Lorne Michaels said i was too liberal to be on SNL.

Chevy: it's the Soviet Goonies.

Dan: that nuclear warhead will turn you into a permanently-orange bad president...

Donna Dixon: take these suction-dart guns used on Double Dare...

Snow Soviets dancing: there is no need to fight, everyone in Moscow grow up wanting to be John Cusack with boombox.

JCPenney: we stopped the nukes on Christmas Day 1986, not many people know the story...

Gorbachev: we are not fazed by your Mulder and your Scully. UFOs come to Mother Russia way more than America. more land. more cows.

Danny Elfman: opening notes of the B:TAS theme song?...

Jen R: drive-in movie-theatre big screens are the nukes!!!

Dostoevsky: my mother wanted me to be a computer programmer...

Marilyn Manson: code is 666 yellow crooked arrow.

Chevy: don't worry, the nuke is just gonna hit New Jersey.

Donna Dixon: hey.

Chevy: wanna fuck to save the species?

Donna Dixon: no, i like my men flabby and pasty-white.

Soviet fat woman: fuck me like Maria in Sound of Music. i'll wear my nun Dumbo ears.

gays in the '80s: MANY in Moscow...

Jen R: so THAT's what happened to the good MTV in the '80s...

psychotic general: it's like that Metallica "One" music video: for democracy, ANYTHING...

Dan: i mean Trump destroyed the world in five days so it can be done.

dad: hey, Pintos are good cars.

Dan: a Russian hairpin saved the world.

Russian model: i got it off my Barbie...

Colonel Rick Moranis: place these men under arrest. war is so gauche.

Jayne Mansfield: come on, this should be easy trivia for you guys!!! i'm Russian...

Frank Oz: i'm a better actor than Ben Stein...

Paul McCartney: my song "Spies Like Us" stopped WWIII. but only John Lennon could have prevented WWIV...

Julie Patzwald's upstairs room is all-black even in the blue moonlight.

Julie Patzwald: we won't be disturbed up here. we are free to be disturbed. 

Olach: i love the quiet. there is so much NOISE in the world.

Julie: hey you ever deliberately NOT EAT the last scoop of crumbs at the bottom of the Hidden Valley Ranch Cheez-It bag just so you don't have to travel to the kitchen to recycle the box properly?

Olach: oh yes. in my case it's Triscuits because i'm trying to impress Cecily Strong.

Dirg: the best way to stretch out your back is to masturbate...

Clarissa Molina at Cinco de Mayo: don't you DARE call it a Chola Cookie...

Harry Kane in Germany: I FINALLY WON WIMBLEDON!!!

it's spaghetti-complicated...

McDonald's chicken tenders: long McNuggets.

The New Pope: yeah but what's happening in the Diddy Trial?...

Blunt Rochester: you KNOW i keep it real...

Kurt Cobain: if i had just gotten a cup of Seattle's Best coffee in my hand AT THAT MOMENT i'd still be here today...

me: wait i get it, my life is a four-year VR game. my game parameters are always the same: somehow locate and marry Jen Reynolds and then do crosswords with her.

Jen R: this could very well be the case. but it requires you to have a paid subscription to Peacock to get all the Red Dwarf episodes. and you better like Wordle because there's no more newspaper ink in the world...

Jen R: it won't makes sense until you're with your soulmate.

Capp: the problem with this being all there is is that this is all there is...

Leslie Sbrocco: pink sweater beats purple shirt...

Anthony Bourdain: you can't bullshit artists, we're not bullshit artists...

Walmart: check with your neighbors to see if your package is there, not at your doorstep. we do this DELIBERATELY to encourage neighborhood bonding and civic engagement...

Jen R: trying to find me is like trying to find a 5-Pack of Vanquish...

Depeche Mode: we're a power couple now...

Terry Pratchett: that's DOCTOR Pratchett. the Black Plague ain't over...

Jen R: if i come back a decade later, you'll have to drop everything, drop your life with your wife and kids and start over with me.

me: soulmate supersedes sus.

Druski: i was depressed in college. everyone is depressed in college. i dropped out the MOMENT i watched my first Jack Harlow YouTube video...

Julie Patzwald: tell me your dreams.

Olach: i got weird ones. they're BRIGHTLY COLORED IN CARTOON PASTELS like that Twilight Zone: The Movie segment in the Bates House with the Bart Simpson girl.

Julie: i can tell you're close with your dad.

Olach: and then my dad is driving us around in the car but he's driving wildly on lawns and sidewalks. because he has to avoid the dirt circus. faded blue Pinto. see it's only when i wake up that I REALIZE IT WAS DAD. that DAD WAS HERE WITH ME.

Julie: like your dad, the world is doomed.

Olach: my dad is David Attenborough.

Olach: i have pain in my dreams. my arm is dead like hope. my wrist is tingling.

Julie: i only eat party food as my meals.

Olach: like i'm enduring pain in my dreams, you know? i look at my finger and it has a blue knuckle. no idea how i got that but it hurts. i try to ice-pack it but the ice pack is too clumsy.

Julie touches the ice pack and it becomes an ice ring that fits perfectly on Olach's finger.

Julie: see? that's not your fourth finger, that's your ring finger. all you needed was your dark bride...

 

OLACH IN ORLEANS: PARTY PIECE

 

after much wandering, Olach finds himself in New Orleans. he stops because he needs lunch.

Olach: hey do you know what a beignet is?

Dan Fielding: you look old, that's what worries me. go THERE, pal, it was my friend Harry's uh the judge's uh MY bar, it's my tippling house in The French Quarter.

Olach: i need a girl break. the world is gonna drown so i might as well drown in love. 

the first thing Olach's weary eyes train on when he gets past the swinging saloon doors and the vents and the events is a dashing WOMAN in brothel creepers dancing to a Peter Murphy dirge alone in the corner.  

Olach: i followed you because i thought you were the North Star, turns out it was your olo eyes.

Julie Patzwald: now THAT is a line, mister. lucky for you you've been traveling so hard you don't know if it's night or day. let it always be the night.

Olach: you know me so well.

Julie: we're soulmates, brothers in black.

Olach: i wear all-white all the time wherever i go. wearing all-white is never a good idea, after Labor Day or not.

Julie: never wear white after giving birth.

Olach: i'm looking for a distraction because the world is ending soon.

Julie: that's what i've been saying!!! nobody listens to freaks like us.

Olach: did you want to be Cheetara from ThunderCats when you were a girl?

Julie: the shoes? the coffin kicks? they're my mother's brothel creepers from her funeral.

Olach: cos i did.

Julie: sorry for the downer music, the jukebox only accepts Canadian coins. 

Olach: what was that dance you were doing over there by yourself?

Julie: The Billy Idol. 

Olach: dancing barefoot, that's a song, too, right?...

Esmeraude from Sailor Moon: you can watch me bathing at LUSH. 

Madame Pons: FREE GREEN SOAP!!!

Spies Like Us.

Bruce Davison: for the last time, i'm not the judge on Night Court...

USSR: not Heineken...

Ace Tomato Co.: another front for 1984's Big Brother.

spy head: just saw off your arm and leave the case.

Jen R: stealth bomber, the badass of the '80s, STILL the coolest black triangular jet, so Darkwing Duck.

Jen R: the Pentagon is carpeted like the Sherman Oaks Galleria in the '80s.

Dan Aykroyd: i shall NOT clear my desk, this McDonald's clamshell will be a collector's item one day...

The Disney Channel: cable was MAGIC in the '80s...

Chevy Chase: i'm driving through a tunnel so presser over. the $1000 in my wallet may already be gone.........spy stuff. 

Dan: KGB stands for Kan't Groove Back.

Naruto: okay i never thought this movie would have ninjas.

black general: this movie sucks. where's the Mortal Kombat movie?

Old El Paso: we discontinued our tortilla chips...

Putin: all Americans wear tennis sweaters around their shoulders. 

Hadley: i'm Alan Alda as a British wartime doctor...

Donna Dixon: doctor.

Dan: HANDS OFF, CHEVY!!! that's my future wife...

Donna Dixon: as an '80s woman, i happily give up my tits for the team...

Chevy: i shall perform the surgery with my feet.

Bob Hope: Golden Girls forgot to pay me. i beat Jack Nicklaus on the Back 9 of Augusta at The Masters but it was a Tuesday...

books: old YouTube how-to videos...

shave the patient: stole The Nanny joke...

John Milius: look at these Red Dawn rejects!!!

John Belushi: two Pepsi, two cheeseburger, two chips.

pepperoni sauce: no.

Suzy Lu: don't you love all my Scottish colloquialisms? getting wide doesn't mean i'm fat...

Matthew Tkachuk: i'm crazy. not competitive, just crazy...

me: it's a pipe dream. me a mama's boy. across countries over Instagram. no job. you a cleaning celebrity. well you're on the Canadian version of the Today Show anyway. that's why it's fascinating. that's why it's enticing.

Melissa Maker: did you have to bring up the Black Mirror thing during the Christmas photo with Chad?

me: sorry for the bad luck. i DM unsolicited reviews of TV shows to people on Instagram instead of having a job. 

Melissa Maker: may i never stop playing on Instagram...

Julio Enciso: from Encino.

Rebecca Lowe: one of the smallest tunnels in the Premier League.........if you know what i mean...

Goodbye Goodison...

Jonny Greenwood: i toss my hair before each song. you can only do that if you have '90s Trent Reznor hair.

Ruth Buzzi: i was a cheerleader...

Ruth Buzzi: hey, want some Raisin Bran?

Jill Sobule: there is something nice and sweet, there is someone good to eat, i kissed a girl...

Uncle Sigh the horse: the track is chocolate pudding...

Rimmer: the holo-whip is sexy only to me...

flat battery: thin coin-shaped battery from Walmart.........that works...

Mike Tirico at The Kentucky Derby: not a stroke. nut allergy.........don't laugh. please don't laugh. it hurts my garbled mouth when i laugh...

Scarlett Johansson: don't use my name anymore. call me Metal Wife from now on. when i host the SNL 50th finale, there has got to be a two-hander sketch with just Jost and me discussing our marriage...

Quinta Brunson: the woman you call on the phone-sex line who ends being your friend...

Veruca Salt: our music is about us, warts and all...

Richard Gere: so obviously i should play the lead in the Breakfast at Tiffany's reboot...

Julie Patzwald: so what are you doing here? to what godless stars do i thank?

Olach: oh i'm just here for the Michael Longfellow convention like everyone else.

Julie: right right. i like his serial-killer energy. 

Olach: when i FINALLY got up to him after waiting in line for 8 hours i just let him know that everytime i see him eating that slice of NYC pizza in the SNL opening credits at 11:30 at night i get SO hungry for pizza.

the two end the night at the coin-to-cash.

Olach: let me just try something here. i have so many loose coins from all my travels, all the countries i went to all over the world. and nobody wanted to listen about climate change. they were more interested in AI fidget spinners.

Julie: those are travels, not adventures. it's lonely being right. but i'm here for you. 

the machine spits out a Canadian quarter. the one with the lady in the flowing gown and the railroad made of maplewood on the reverse face. 

Olach: oh shit i forgot i had that coin!!!

Julie: THAT'S A SIGN!!! you are MEANT to marry Melissa Maker after that painful convoluted divorce!!! 

FRESHMAN LUNCH HOUR, A LESS & DEEN STORY: ELLORA'S CAVE STILL HAS ROMANCE

 

at the excavation site the sand palace juts up from its gold stone in beaming glory. Less is excited by this, Deen is along for the ride.

Mrs. Carter climbs up the sun spire in cargo shorts and Indiana Jones hat.

Mrs. Carter: Indiana is a girl's name, think about it...

Less, beaming: isn't she down-to-earth?

Mrs. Carter: i don't amble, i carve. Less, you got a C+ on my test. a bit disappointing considering it was a take-home test...

Less: isn't she just the best? isn't she so nice?

Deen: i see it. i can see you two as a couple.

Mrs. Carter: Mr. Carter works at the bank all night.

Mrs. Carter lets out one of her patented squally laughs that puts everyone at ease.

Mrs. Carter with pickaxe: find anything interesting?

Less: a lot of rocks. my life is interesting.

Mrs. Carter: you must look upon the world with the seasoned not jaundiced eye of an old lady. that'll come to you in time, soon you will be an old lady. see these strands?

Less: straw, straw huts, has to be.

Mrs. Carter: good guess. nice non-AI guess. but the strands are actually ancient spaghetti. yeah. there's your lunch hour for ya. Less, what do you want to do with your life? i mean really.

Less: write romance novels.

Mrs. Carter: you're in luck!!! i find archaeology journals dry. drier than the dust all around us. i happen to write romance novels on the side, you can help me, son. romance, not Roman.

Deen: WOW!!! now that's happenstance!!! i dug up an ancient romance novel in the sand!!! 

Less: look at that bejeweled book cover!!!

Mrs. Carter: no i'm afraid that's a Phoenician bible. yeah. notice how all the pages are blank...

Jill Sobule: who was the girl i kissed? Kacey Musgraves...

Jen R: i mean what a depressing way to go. and Jill had just done a collab with The Prodigy...

Amy Irving: my mother could SING, okay? she wasn't a sister. she's not haggard like that, that's a bad Wikipedia picture, Wikipedia did my mom dirty. she played a lot of witches.........including one in real life during my adolescence, but...

Bernie: fuck this Del Webb shit!!!

Wilford Brimley: Bernie!!! stop!!! you gotta stop, man!!! Bernie, you're driving us crazy, Bernie!!!

Jackie Fitzgerald bringing over a crusty cracked brownie slab: hey can you fix your doorbell? knocking on your door all the time hurts my knuckles.

Melissa Maker's sister Sam: girl you know i love you. but i don't have time to be in your cleaning videos, i still have a family...

Melissa Maker: but Dawn Powerwash...

Mrs. Carter: boys, the only way we're gonna get through the world now is to do a communal nap.

Deen: this is true. this is what i keep telling him, Mrs. Carter. all Less wants is for it to be the two of us.

Mrs. Carter: you can't have a commune unless you have at least 3 people.

Less: *sigh* i know.

Mrs. Carter: if you have a commune of 2 people, that's just a bad romance. the 3 of us will take turns napping with one eye open while the other two nap, in a circle at all times protecting each other from the elements. the harsh elements of bad votes.

Mrs. Talbot: even at 90 years old my nickname was Red for my ginger hair...

Spock: nurses need earplugs...

Bones: dammit alien, i'm a nurse not a...!!!...wait...

Bones: and don't call me Bones!!! call me McCoy!!!

Loungemind: i'm a homeless romantic...

Trent Reznor: i wanna fuck you like an animal. yes. but "Closer" is really a cry for help...

Afrin: it's the '70s again and you're Jack Tripper. the girl doesn't have a big nose, that's rude. you have the big nose, because you have a cold. you're trying to get laid here!!! 

Jen R: it's a simple pencil sketch on an easel. the woman has been waiting for 3 hours. is it possible to be a celibate hand-model?...

sexual congress: the only Congress i'll vote for...

suspended congress: ...

Dr. Robbins: senile, dementia, same thing...

Tahnee Welch: yes, i was the girl in those '70s Welch's Grape Juice commercials...

me: it was a headache ordering the Vanquish...

Jon Bon Jovi: the "Blaze of Glory" music video has that Dead At 21 tincture.

Jack Noseworthy: and then i starred in all those Bon Jovi videos in the '90s, like "Always..."

Harry Anderson: i'm coming back for the Night Court season finale!!!...

Pure Fix: bicycle shop in Trainspotting...

the Lakers got it: the Lakers need for JJ Redick to be less steamed. OR the Lakers got stomped on by the next Michael Jordan...

Ant-Man counting on his fingers: Ant-Man, Batman, Spider-Man, Joker in 5...

Brother Peewit: why am i going to the Conclave? minibar.

Etoile: star, not toilet.

Wally: it can be a girl's name...

Northridge Mall: you will NEVER be the Sherman Oaks Galleria.

British tea: it's not a sachet, it's a pillow.

Tony Brothers: remember? i was the NBA referee who was on Sesame Street...

Cat from Red Dwarf: i'm not a vampire...

Matt: SLAP that Coast soap bar on the heaving husk of your tired old broke body.

Skylar: got any hashish, grandpa?...

Madame Pons: bar soap is better than alcohol.

cover your drink: both meanings...

Carson Daly: i am the man who single-handedly destroyed music...

Mrs. Carter: i mean let's face it, Less, the only reason you absorbed so much knowledge from me, like Cell's tail, the only reason you learned at a cheetah's pace, the only reason you stayed in my room, my classroom, is because i'm fat...