YOUR SECOND FAMILY: CLOWDER

 

everyone is everywhere throughout the Mexican restaurant. at all the tables. Cardo, Ricardo for long, ushers us all in.

me: you look familiar, have i seen you here before? you had salty hair. are you a surfer? you looked like you could have used a popsicle.

Cardo: no, senor, see this gigantic fun-size sombrero i wear on my head? i want everyone having fun eating at my restaurant. salsa-dance with the salsa. do the Mexican hat dance. free Michelin tire with every michelada.

me: okay we're down with cantina cuisine, right, ladies? you know i'd be the perfect host for a tupperware party.

Jen R: how's that?

me: there's tupperware throughout my house, i never realized this. did you know all the cups in your bathroom are tupperware?

Jules: you know the best way to get a good night's sleep? eat pizza RIGHT before you go to bed. tuck in to bed under your thin-as-air sheets. trust me, it's the heaviness/lightness thing.

Lindy: i can get by on eating only chips and salsa at Mexican restaurants, when you live in the wilderness you learn how to rough it.

Cardo: you see our front center desk? there's not the traditional '80s wood paneling, instead it's one big swinging puffy pub door from Don's Plum...

Don's Plum: our doors are like Regal Beagle sofas.

Billy Corgan: don't try Chicago deep-dish pizza, it tastes like my butthole.

Jen: it's really that foul? 

Billy: as nasty as D'arcy's panties. did you bump into me in Chicago?

Jen: can't say that i did.

Billy: i am a rather large man. you know why your skinny-cross tattoo turned into a fat-cross tattoo?

me: i have always wondered.

Billy: your arm is too skinny, that's why. bulk up with some lamb pizza or something.

Amanda Fairey: a wife/husband art team is the most beautiful force on Earth. the power of paint. an unstoppable duo.

Andre the Giant: did i get ANY royalties from this?

Shepard Fairey: i look like Billy Corgan when he had hair.

Billy Corgan: the "Today" music video...

Piini: come on...

me: i love your perfume.

Jen: it's not my perfume that you're smelling, it's the smell of my essence, it sustains you.

the Hair episode of Head of the Class "From Hair to Eternity": there's nothing cooler than a teacher who was naked onstage in his past.

Howard Hesseman: what's going on with quality television programing these days? the Head of the Class revival gets quicky nixed. 

Punky Brewster: and the Punky Brewster revival goes the way of the buffalo.

Rod Serling: where was the classical literature on television in the 1960s? i was the only one doing it!!! worse than war is the human hand grenade. bless your relics with kisses.

Carol Serling: i hit the fucking jackpot, huh ladies?

Jordan Chiles: 4 seconds?

Snoop Dogg: chin up, girl, remember: 1,2,3 and to the 4...

Roger Federer: the Swiss courts will handle it...

Rod Serling at Car Week: i mean i guess the DeLorean car is kinda cool. with the 4 metallic sides. it's a Tesla? fuck that, Elon sucks. Musk sucks. Bump For 2024 bumper sticker? Take America Back? get the fuck outta here with that garbage, we don't cater to your kind, we don't cater to you at our fruit stands. keep your Obama/Biden bumper stickers on your cars forever, that's how we win. wear a SWEATshirt to look presentable. no one will care about you until you care about someone else.

grazie: grazie is fancy. grazie is grand. 

Serano: grazie is elegant.

Billy Corgan is in the bathroom talking through the stalls.

Billy Corgan: you folks here for the Janis Joplin revival? you know that thing when you wipe your butt REALLY hard so hard you pull a butt hair out?...

Human Hand Grenade: sounds like a Garbage Pail Kid.

Jen is ready to order.

Jen: so i'm thinking a fiesta platter for the table. 24 chilaquiles should be enough, right, ladies?

Jack Bauer: i don't eat.

me: i can eat. the salsa is Taco Bell Sauce, right?

Jen: we're just having a conversation here, what's the recipe for the 24 chilaquiles, Cardo?

Cardio goes back in his shell, popping a clove in his mouth.

Jen: tinctures in your iced tea, it's like you're drinking hot herbal tea...

herbal tea: i don't actually do anything healthy for your body, all i really do is make your body feel warm and cozy...

Jen: omg MINI bags of salad!!! the CUTEST. mini salad kits!!!

Bianca Andreescu: salt. salt for the table please. salt for the pollock. salt for my knee. that hit me right in my breadbasket, baby.

Elina Avanesyan: my life changed when i met Avo Babian...

Chandler, the 30-year-old beautiful talented YouTube actress who is a cleverer writer than anybody on the staff of The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon with her comedy skits: don't hate me because i'm beautiful, hate me because i'm following the EXACT life for HAPPINESS: i married at 30...

Luigi: spaghetti budget stretched thin but i don't care, we got spaghetti boxes for a month.

Super Mario: brother, you know how much i hate thin spaghetti.

Chandler, the woman: PCH, remember when you heard about the Pacific Coast Highway in the '80s from you parents? top down, wind in your hair, driving 100 mph on those mountain curves, Jimmy Fallon riding shotgun...

simplerer: don't...

Federer: now you know how i feel...

Melissa Maker: everyone forgets to wipe the brown backsplash on their toilet seat.

Chad Reynolds: not now, i'm eating French potatoes.

Melissa Maker: it's IMPOSSIBLE to take a towel and wipe your bathroom mirror of water dots IN BETWEEN all your upright tiny bottles of hair sprays, creams, and shampoos that are now just liquids of fermented bubbles. there's too much clutter on your countertop!!!

Grandma Moses: when you get old, they're not prank calls, they're just my phone calls...

Lindy: see these TINY TINY TINY round circular rubber bands? i use them for my hair, when you live in the wilderness you have to learn how to rough it.

Jules: yeah i use one of those microscopic rubber bands for my ponytail but Poison's "Something to Believe In" must be playing in the background...

Rod Serling: television was our first safe space. television shows are our havens, they're glorious.

Billy Corgan: it's been a week and you've ALREADY forgotten about the new Pumpkins album...

Ethan Hawke and Stephen Colbert are sharing a bowl of chips and salsa.

Stephen Colbert: wanna smoke a bowl?

Stephen: but this is the last chip.

Ethan: you can have it.

Stephen: but it gots no salsa on it.

Ethan: i don't have the DNA makeup to truly taste salsa, you know?

Stephen with a broad grin: tomatoes, onions, chile peppers, God is easy.

Howard Hesseman: i want my honors class to enroll in the Fame (1980) school of performing arts...

John Lydon: the Hair episode of Head of the Class was melancholic. it made me want to rent a time machine.

Howard: and go back to the '60s?

John: no, go back to the year 1990, to get it right this time. start over, become a professional theatre actor, don't lose people, be less grumpy.

i use some of my vacation days to travel down under to attend a very important lecture at Australia University.

Professor Raygun enters the lecture hall decked out in her green-and-yellow Team Australia Olympics jumpsuit.

Professor Raygun: i am forever Team Roos. i wear my cap backwards when i'm teaching. how is breaking connected to world politics? i danced true to myself out there in Paris. i danced true to my heart and soul, that's how politics should be. not numbers.

Jacques Pepin: it's not a speech impediment, it's my French accent. only i can stick my finger in boiling water. life hack: spread butter on bread, rub the buttered bread on your corn on the cob...

Grandma Moses: i was the FIRST ARTIST in Greenwich Village. i'm not the grandma on Beverly Hillbillies. i'm  not the potato-chip lady from The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson...

Cardo and i bum a clove on the curb.

Cardo: you smoke?

me: my whole fucking life.

Cardo: look man, i don't own this restaurant. it's just.........the smell of the Mexican food was so enticing, i  thought, maybe if i went in there i'd get fed. i'm a bum. a hustler. i hustle for food. i live on the streets. i'm a street peddler who peddles no wares.

me: that's okay, i'm a wind-up merchant who sells no watches. look man, the two of us, we're alike, like brothers. you're homeless and i'm homeless in the sense that i'm lost. i don't know where i belong. do you want to form a family with me?

 

TEEN WOLF: 71-12

 

Eye Luggage: Teen Wolf and go.

so the three of us, Michael J. Fox, Jen R, and i, are walking down that WIDE street sidewalk in the movie.

Jen R: nice neighborhood. a wide AVENUE flanked on either side by climbing vines and morning glories.

Michael J. Fox: i call it home. but i'm a nobody here. i'm average. i'm not one of those people who was born in retro NYC, come from Saint Marks Place, hail from 8th Street, born in baggy jeans listening to Wu Tang sucking my mom's cream.

me: by the way where's your mom?

Michael: can we talk about that later? in a black box theater?... 

me: i thought this was Anytown USA.

Jen: yeah but it's worse, it's Nebraska.

me: can i get a McDonald's candle here? Grimace candle? not the Grimace shake, the bong...

Michael: nope, only Yankee Candles. Middle America. small-town farm life. the only thing that matters is high-school basketball.

Ben Affleck: wasn't i one of the basketball players in this?...

Jen: so there's a lot of drug use behind bales of hay here, right?

Michael: Willy Wonka was from here.

Jen: Willy Wonky.

me: in the '80s we had a fireplace but never used it.

Jen: you just looked at it, stared at it. 

me: we were tempted at Christmas.

Jen: you drove long distances on the Santa Monica Freeway with your whole family in pajamas. 

Michael: see that's what i need. that's what i need to to be a man. i need to be in one of those four-man bro groups who show off their collective sports car during Carmel Car Week.

Jen: CAR-mel.

Michael: guys from small towns like me don't experience college frats, this is all we got.

Jen: this LONG SIDEWALK is giving me an idea. it's my Portlandia episode: there are many public bookcases dotting this avenue, it's a quaint little innocent exchange that builds community out of strangers, Fred Armisen sticks his hand in one of these book birdhouses to drop an R Crumb graphic novel...

Jen: this is the most HILARIOUS scene ever committed to film. Michael goes for the last shot, it's done all dramatic in slow-motion with the John Williams music and everything. but the score is 71-12 away team so even if the ball goes in the basket it doesn't matter...  

Kevin Durant: that werewolf was a hooper.

Jen: oh look you work at Ace Hardware like me.

Michael: yeah.

Jen: if you need any kiln work done.........fashioning paintbrushes from scratch? it's really just for pizza.

Michael: SO LOUD!!!

Melbourne: like Car Week.

Michael: fucking dog whistle.

snot-nosed kid: it doesn't work.

Michael: i mean HOW did i get the thing where i turn into a werewolf? it's never explained. did i get BITTEN by a werewolf spider?

Michael's dad: you come from a family of werewolves. a long line of werewolves.

Michael: thanks for not telling me as a kid, dad, you spared me, i had a childhood. 

Boof: it's kinda creepy that i look like Mallory Keaton...

Pamela: i'm nothing special. i'm just your typical high-school blonde that will never go anywhere in life after high school. although i AM a good actress, it takes skill to PLAY someone who is BAD at acting...

Pamela's boyfriend: only in high school are you allowed to squeeze your girlfriend's butt in public...

Stiles: the Dicknose shirt is not the best T-shirt i wear, the most eloquent shirt i wear is the LIFE SUCKS THEN YOU DIE shirt.

Socrates: to this day that is the most cutting pungent philosophical thesis that man has yet to conquer.

Stiles at the liquor store beyond Don's Plum.

Stiles: the old man from Bartles & Jaymes?

Stiles: never say die. unless you drink and drive. teens don't die!!!

Finstock: i'm Gabe Kotter's nephew or something. the coach from Mr. Holland's high school!!! Opus High School!!!

Finstock: i'm cardboard card. look, Scott, boys your age go through changes.

Michael: hairy palms?

Finstock: boys your age masturbate, i've seen it in the lockers. is there hair on your cock? don't quit the team, you can earn money playing high-school basketball...

keg: hey look it's the John Belushi frat house from Animal House...

Michael: why does my dad look like Richie Cunningham?...

Steven Keaton: it's weird to think about but Richie Cunningham and i were both hippies together...

Laertus: okay the big reveal when the dad point-blank hits the screen as a nonchalant grey werewolf, that was fucking hilarious.

dad: you know, son, werewolves are people, too.

Michael: it's a metaphor for puberty, right?

dad: you know, son, when i was courting your mother, i had a romantic rival. i ate him.

Michael: where's mom, dad? like she's mentioned in this movie but we never see her, she's just gone and there's no reason why. not here. where's mom? is she dead?

dad: it's the '80s so we're probably divorced?...

dad: you know, son, sometimes it skips a generation. but then you have to live forever. here, Nestle Quik Hot Cocoa cooked over a stove always does the trick...

Boof: are you taking me to the Summer Dance? or Fall Formal or whatever?

Scott: it'd be icky, we're neighbors.

Boof: listen to me, I NEED TO FUCK MICHAEL J. FOX. you get me? he's the biggest thing going right now.

Ted Danson: there were dance cards back in the day, people got to know each other...

Chubb: Chubb. Chubs. Chubby? i'm not sure which is worse. i do NOT eat a lot of food, i have a glandular problem.

Stiles: the van-surfing thing. yeah see we're from Nebraska, landlocked state, there's no water here at all, so the California Beach Boys surf culture is MYSTICAL to us.

Michael: we got 13 Jack in the Boxes. the Coco's Bakery closed.

Michael: why is our drama teacher J.G. Quintel from Regular Show?

drama teacher: i prefer to think of myself as Steve Jobs.

Michael: please tell me you aren't fucking this guy, Pam. he doesn't have a ponytail but he sounds like someone with a ponytail.

Pamela: isn't that what "running lines" is?

drama teacher: ravish her. ravage her? i only do what the script dictates. speaking of ponytails, this isn't exactly Howard Hesseman's class doing Hair. it's more like a cheap Gone with the Wind bastard child that is surely offensive now.

Pamela: in the theater community we all are very close. it's one big orgy, hedonism to loosen up and get to know strangers.

Holland Taylor: bitch you ain't lying, i've fucked EVERY SINGLE PERSON in Hollywood...

Pamela: how do you have fun? *takes off bra*

Michael: it's weird because you're wearing '80s granny panties...

Pamela: do you know where the wolf howl comes from?

Michael: i do now: uncomfortable sex.

Pamela: the only way to quiet the wolf whistle.

Pamela: go away, it was just sex, the dumb jock is still my boyfriend.

Michael: but why? NONE of this is explained.

Eye: i remember these party games.........except the two girls covered in cream?...

Madame Pons: i got so NERVOUS when it came to these parties. you really had to perform at parties, you know? or you weren't on the popular list and your whole life was dead. these parties were NERVE-RACKING.

Mardith: this Seven Minutes in Heaven is sexual-assaulty.

Michael: they figured since i was a werewolf it was kinda cool.

Boof: wolf claws on my back, NOT sexy. NOT Twilight love.

Stiles: the f word. the OTHER f word. so prevalent in all this '80s moves. being gay is worse than being a monster...

Michael: i had to say the f word? that sucks.

Eye: the weird thing is when the town finds out Scott is a werewolf they don't all FREAK OUT SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS. they're like, "weird but if he can help us win the basketball championship with his extrasensory vision..."

Ear Horn: and mad hops. that wolf can smell my butt anytime.

Gladyce: Scott reminds me of my first husband, he was so cute.

Doryce: that's what i need now, Carlos Alcaraz as a werewolf.

"Wolf Fever": the name of a minor FM radio hit by Rick Dees...

basketball team: you're a ball hog!!!

Michael: i'm a wolf not a pig.

dad: you know, son.........the Spider-Man thing, remember it.

Michael: what?

dad: with great power comes great responsibility. it's copyrighted.

Michael: werewolves are superheroes.

Boof: i love YOU, not the wolf. average is sexy. what President are you obsessed with?

Michael: Franklin Delano Roosevelt. we learned about him in high school. Civics class...

Boof: there we are!!! that's the green flag i was after. no red flags here.

Michael: please don't turn NOW.........

vice-principal: bad news, kid, the full moon in Nebraska never goes away.

Michael's dad: all you VICE-principals are powerless power-hungry creeps. you WISH you could do vice things. why you wetting yourself? why you peeing yourself? why you pee your pants?...

vice-principal: too much prom punch.

Michael; dad, i'm gonna win this basketball game as a human.

dad: why?

Michael Jordan: so, take the basketball aspect out of this, the basketball thing was a distraction. let's focus on the story of how Scott handles being a werewolf, that's it. i wish the same thing had been done with Space Jam...

flasher in the stands: was i really a flasher?

Akira Kurosawa: that was NOT a buffalo shot, just white Hanes underwear. no dick. what do you think this is, Harmony Korine?...

Laertus: awww that is sweet tho. Scott, Boof, and Scott's dad in the bleachers as three people hugging together into one new family.

Jen: take notes.

me: i'm happy.

Michael J. Fox: remember that Teen Wolf '80s cartoon intro with me dancing with my Sony Walkman?

Michael J. Fox: you want to know what happened to my mom? my mom, Elyse Keaton, is the reason for this WHOLE Teen Wolf franchise. Teen Wolf wouldn't exist if my mom hadn't got knocked up.

Nick Moore: it was me, i'm Alex P. Keaton's daddy. g'night folks.

YOUR SECOND FAMILY: CATENARY

 

Jen R: you gotta practice with different people around the world to see how you fit in, how you would blend into their family. because you need to transition out of your family into a new one.

me: for stability.

Jen: everyone goes through this, they marry, move out, move in again.

me: who first?

Jen: your tooth has hurt like the motherfucking dickens for some time now, yeah?

me: my whole life.

Jen: do the dentist.

me at the dentist office.

me: so doc.

dentist: don't call me doc, i'm a dentist.

me: so dentist, which cap should i get for my tooth after you drill the fuck out of it?

dentist: your tooth will be gone, leaving only a massive hole. and immense pain. i recommend getting the GOLD cap rather than the plastic cap, it lasts longer and you look like a cool rapper.

me: can i rap a love song from me to you? about toothcaps. and the gap in love. in the lyrics i explain how much i care for you.

me: i had a dream where Spalding Gray was teaching me how to mold clay.

Spalding Gray: now they're saying Splenda is bad for you. i did Splenda for 40 years to AVOID sugar!!! you can't win, you simply have to choose your food and stick with it for life.

me: remember Jenny Jones makeovers?

Jenny Jones: i invented the Daytime makeover. not that dusty bitch Sally Jessy Raphael.

Jen R: it felt so good for those women who could finally step out into the daylight again, their lives forever changed overnight after one treatment. new workplaces, new hair, new habits. and then Fabio would come out from backstage and go on a date with them.

Fabio: these muscles are from the butter diet.

Jen R: okay there's Meghan Markle. you know what to do, treat her like any other person.

me: hey you're kinda cute. you got a man?

Meghan Markle: i mean...

me: two husbands, think about it.........i need some help.

Megan: what's the magic word?

me: how are you?

Megan: thank you. i know a medium you can see. NOT a part of the Royal Family, independent.

self-scrip: why people become doctors.

those tan-color Crayola crayons: your favorite color.

Jen: any tats?

me: i got a tattoo of a tai-chi symbol for T&C Surf Designs. a cross that was supposed to be skinny but turned out fat. and a Chinese symbol that to this day i have no idea what it means.

Colin Jost: only Olympic surfers can wear pooka shells...

Louise Lasser: the DVD box set of Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman contains all 10,000 episodes on 2 discs...

Papa Smurf: aye, lad, i gave Lars von Trier blue balls when he tried to enter Smurf Village for "research..."

Kyle Kothari: if Errol Flynn was a diver...

Cassiel Rousseau: Spicoli dive.........diving into the party dip, mate.

finger freeze: breaking, Ozone, Turbo, broom dance, let's not dwell on that racewalking sex...

marathon: i mean isn't it a little rude to introduce only SOME of the runners?...

heat and eat: Doryce on Thursdays.

at The Race, the men's 400m hurdles.

viking: okay.........you got me this time. congratulations.........steroids?

Rai Benjamin: come on, man, after everything we've been through LO THESE MANY YEARS?!!! the blood, sweat, and wet tracks. i thought we were brothers.

viking: it's just.........i was gonna win this again and off that star in Spinal Tap II...

me: in my dream i'm with Lucio Rossi in his treehouse in Sherman Oaks on a leisurely chilly Saturday afternoon in the '80s, nothing to do all day but play Nintendo into the night, Spy Hunter. 

Lucio Rossi: i was the kid with Nintendo hooked up to a TREEHOUSE...

me: but then it turns out Lucio this whole time was Serano...

Jen: it's time for you to meet new people.

Jen: in my dream it's a beautiful 1910s starry ballroom. the last dance before the war. the women look so pretty in our gowns and frowns. the men are ciphers. we're all group-singing all the songs off the new Smashing Pumpkins album Aghori Mhori Mei.

Billy Corgan: for good luck in the war. you know all the songs on this latest album really do fit that time period.

Jen: Billy, why are you always complaining about how much your life sucked? the only people who had room to complain were the Lost Generation...

Luigi foots the bill, pays the tab, on all delivered food, after FINALLY winning a kart race...

Super Mario: you cheated with the blue shell.

Luigi: that's the point, bro.

Ted Danson in the starry ballroom: imagine a life where you have the luxury of taking ballroom-dancing lessons...

Nyjah Huston: the problem is the chip, the piece of Eiffel Tower in my Bronze Medal, was from when the Eiffel Tower was red...

cancer: life's hard enough, why is there cancer? life is short. yeah, life is shorter than you can possibly imagine...

Rachael Gunn: yeah yeah fuck you fuck you. i'm Raygun and you can't be cuz you don't have MY cool name to start with. i'm the only Australian who's ever gonna be a Power Ranger. nobody has the last name Gun. i'm gonna be the gun in Lazer Tag...

at the 2028 Olympic Squash event in Los Angeles, Ryan O'Neal takes off his sweaty headband and flings it at Ali MacGraw for their wedding anniversary after Ali took the vaccine...

Chuck Norris: don't put me on the Maine flag, that's stupid. put Stephen King.

Jimmy Carter: i'm voting for Kamala Harris...

Boc: actually i walk in dress shoes for organ recitals...

Roger Federer with a Singles gold medal: the Olympics should be a year-round sport like tennis.

Super Mario: me and my men are the leaf blowers from the Beck "Loser" music video, not Wes Anderson gardeners who trim hedges. Jack in the Box, a burger place for tacos, that is so California.

pole vaulter: my bulge cost me an Olympic medal. should i be flattered? no, without that Olympic medal i won't get anywhere in life. i won't star in the Young Einstein sequel. i wanted my wife to wear a wedding kimono.

art is an explosion: before Deidara, a Sailor Moon photographer.

Andy Warhol: who cares? art is dead. i'm dead. Superflat is all that matters now.

Boa "Duvet," the Serial Experiments Lain song: sure it's nostalgic and all, but it also leaves you unsteady, uncomfortable, uneasy.

Doryce: 7 meters, a handball man who's hung.

Melissa Maker: there's nothing eeerier than the glowy light coming out of a Bagel Bakery at 6AM.

Christopher Cross: there's rich and then there's sailing rich...

Boc: i mean FUCK, i'm walking exactly PARALLEL to this woman as we enter the grocery store.........it's like the Olympics up in here.........i just want some dad bread, man.

woman: the same pace is scary.

Boc kissing his loaf of bread: how are you today, soft daddy?

Carl's Jr.: we cook our bread with a little char...

Michael Weiss: just the fact that you're still alive deserves a like on Instagram...

Katie Ledecky: i'm a jock, okay?

Olympic Village: we're trying to make it the Age of Aquarius.

Antarctica: the Olympics are very important to us. when will penguins be allowed to compete? snowboard-cross training, that's about it.

Trent Reznor playing piano at the Closing Ceremony sideways: did you like when i got swallowed in black tape from the "Head Like A Hole" music video?...

Lance Armstrong: i could do the Velodrome without dope...

Lindy Lenz: the plant section of Home Depot is like a little forest, i sleep there.

Turbo from Breakin': to win the Gold Medal you gotta do my Broom Dance, let's make this Rhythmic Breaking...

Ms. Krause: clap the erasers.

LeBron James: that's where my powder intro comes from. 

Ms. Krause: i got it from Michael Jordan.

me: can i have marshmallow hell, Ms. Krause?...

Leslie Sbrocco: i mean this is some bullshit. guns on PBS? even if they are fake toy Western guns. Lake Tahoe is the clearest lake in the world, the only clear lake left, i saw Walt Disney skinny-dipping in it.

Walt Disney: that wasn't me, lady, that was Roy. i Disneyfied the Olympics once and for all at the 1960 Winter Games in Squaw Valley.

Leslie: snow in California my ass.

Walt: please.

new Olympic sport: rolling on giant Olympic Rings...

account: got hacked, need it back.

Meghan Markle: this fortuneteller is very nice, she's a mate of mine, she'll treat you right.

me: i'm nervous. is she friendly?

Meghan: she's a friend of mine.

fortuneteller: hi. who's your soulmate? i'm gonna contact her through this crystal ball here.

Jen: i'm right here.

me: if Jen's number doesn't work, try Jules. if Jules isn't home, try Lindy Lenz.

fortuneteller: three? is that possible? can you have three soulmates?...

 

FAMILY IS HARD: UNDERSTORY

me: well i'm back in the magic forest. and i'm feeling better this time.

Rose: because you're with me, silly goose.

me: are you sure your St. Olaf relatives are here?

Rose: they got colds, that's how i'll know.

we enter Smurf Village.

me: wow. okay. 

Rose: MEET MY FAMILY!!!

we immediately get kicked out.

me: what happened?

Rose: they don't allow foreigners. we'll have to sleep out here in the forest tonight.

me: i'm pissing myself i'm so scared.

Rose: don't tell me that, that's disgusting. here, drink this, regulate your fluids.

Billy Corgan: looks like a giant pear.

Rose: it's gourd juice. you really are an idiot, Billy.

Papa Smurf greets me in the morning by making me sniff a rotten giant pear.

Papa Smurf: wakey wakey, sunshine.

me: can i be a Smurf?

Papa Smurf: no, brother, you'll NEVER be a Smurf. because you're human. see what i mean? you gotta grow up and be a man at some point. one day it must happen. get some grey on your beard like LeBron James, get distinguished!!!

me: i don't know how.

me: please tell me this is not a dream. this cannot be another dream. i need for this to be real as my eyes glaze upon Smurf Village.

Papa Smurf: it's the old saying, kid: if you remember the password you can't get in. best to be fucked in life, smoking weed is mandatory.

me: i tried talking to the other Smurfs but they all had glassy eyes and vacant stares.

Papa Smurf: i'm the only normal one here. the rest of the Smurfs went crazy when they realized they were Smurfs. they're long gone. i take care of them all with my knowledge of magic potions. i feed them, i clean them, i school them. it's a nice life.

we enter the kitchen mushroom.

Jen R: this place is cursed. there's something about these Smurf pies.

Papa Smurf: make the 500 of us supper.

me: can't.

Papa Smurf: yeah you can, you're just missing something.........try on this apron.

me: you know, i've never put on an apron before, never thought to when i cooked.

Papa Smurf: see? you're getting it now. learn some new experience every day.

me: help me with a recipe, Jen.

Jen: chocolate-covered Twizzlers...

me: what's a fast food i can use to feed 500 Smurfs?

Jen: tomato sauce!!! but there's a secret ingredient.

me: which is?

Jen: half-and-half in the tomato sauce. see?

Papa Smurf: this bitch knows her stuff. Smurfette can't cook.

Jen: your voice is kinda creepy, Papa, the more i listen to it. i discovered the recipe at a Medieval Times soup serving!!!

me: i can't do this.

Jen: you'll make it as long as you got this Smurf spoon, the wood spoon that never causes splinters in your fingers. 

Rose: spell fingers. the spoon is made from the bark of THAT tree. i'm related to these blue midgets, the two shows are NBC channel-mates.

Temple of the Dog: the only known grunge supergroup.

Snoop Dogg: Smiling G, that's me, not gangsta, Goodwill.

Kakashi: what's going on?

Suzy Lu: sorry, babe, but i got a crush on Colonel Silver.

Steejo: you like boxers?...

JFK Jr.: i coulda been the bridge between the past and the future. from the hope bridge of the past to the hope bridge of the future... 

male women's water-polo fans: we're the best fans. we wear swimcaps on or heads in the stands.

Sade: sex with me is a spiritual experience.

La Fiesta restaurant: it's not brunch unless you're wearing sunglasses.

Kung Fu Kenny: i was in Enter the Dragon...

me: the heptathlon, i could do that...

Jen: should i tell you?

Jordyn Poulter: Kerri Walsh without the sand...

Sterling Holloway: my voice was the last time all Americans were together.

Kenyatta: a Wikipedian died recently. the comments under his tribute page said, "you're editing Wikipedia in Heaven." is that supposed to be a happy thing?

modern pentathlon laser run: still not as cool as Lazer Tag.

Tom Craig: sorry, i got a little overexcited with Snoop Dogg being the Olympics mascot and all.

Snoop Dogg: weed, man, not cocaine!!!

Tom Craig: the Olympics are stressful. field hockey is a stressful sport. it's somehow FASTER than ice hockey. i can't be disqualified, cocaine is not a performance-enhancing drug. this is the best feel-good story of the Olympics. this explains kangaroo boxing in Australia. i started using because my childhood dream was to be a Power Ranger but that was only for New Zealanders...

Lucio Rossi: answer all phone calls only with your headphones...

Soma: that's the thing, if you've had a shit day but you get 10 hours sleep, your body just kinda gloriously forgets about it the next day...

Max Headroom: i'm the only person who could pull off advertising hard drugs on TV...

village blacksmith in Medieval times: i also smelt black-tar heroin...

IOC: imagine all the men's running events in the Olympics run naked...

Krillin: so i'm the Japanese Charlie Brown...

Joe Biden: what have i been doing since i retired? Dutch field-hockey team...

Lawman cooking orange upside-down cake on Cook's Country: in my world, sugar is wet, baby.

Noah Lyles: why isn't there tape at the end of Olympic races anymore? it would have made the Paris men's 100m even more wild.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail: it's a shame the middle finger wasn't invented during the Middle Ages, it would have been useful.........Battle of Agincourt and all...

prairie smoke: Michael Landon inhaling cotton candy like cocaine.

Marvin Gaye: why do you cry everytime you hear "Mercy Mercy Me - the Ecology"? because of the arrangement of the song.

the three of us are next to the Smurfs' campfire cooking on it, a Dutch oven over it. it's soon become a raging bonfire that's getting out of hand. 

me: happy weekend, my babies, can you hear my voice through the smoke?

Jen: okay what we making for lunch Saturday TOMORROW?

Papa Smurf: Saturday-morning cartoons? no, Saturday-afternoon cartoons. your're making 500 bottles of Gummiberry Juice. all of my magic-potion bottles are really Gummiberry Juice.

me: but isn't that copyright?

Papa Smurf: NOT SO LOUD, kid, they'll hear us!!! quiet with that shit. Disney is ABC, not NBC, Gummiberry Juice is the only thing keeping my Smurfs blue instead of orange!!!