A GUN IN CARMEL: THIRSTER

 

as i'm crossing the street Liza hits the small of my back with her Mazda.

Liza: we broke the touch barrier just then.

me: i can't win.

Liza: no you cannot. i saw you come out of that house, it's over, i know where you live, literally, you can't hide from me.

me: wanna fuck?

Liza: a woman makes love.

me: i've been stranger in a strange land here for so long, YOU will finally make my bed a home.

we're naked on my bed by the window overlooking the highway.

me: i've never been naked in this bed before. what position?

Liza with a pleasant small smile showing her chipmunk tooth: cowgirl of course. see? cowgirl's making a comeback!!! it's nice, huh. i'm of the theory that no matter how small a woman's tits are a man should try to titty-fuck them out of courtesy.

me: i wasn't expecting this.

Liza: i know, i moan like an old woman.

afterwards on the bed we philosophize over Thirsters.

me: this bed is yours now.

Liza: i only drink Thirster cups now. 

me: but how does yours stay so icy? i have to keep a spoon in my pocket because i can't drink the ice. 

Liza: and you can't wait for it to turn to liquid or it's ruined. my mouth keeps everything frosty.

me: i noticed when you kissed me.

Liza: that's how i keep the produce cold without a mister.

me: i finally have a lover who's my guide.

Liza: you must differentiate between the short shot of sex and the longer demand of love.

Jen R: and in turn, family. there can be no family without love...

Ricky Gervais: get lost, mate, there's a city in Oregon named after me? at least it's not Portland.

Suzy Lu: now that Zeno can just zap you into nothingness, what is the nature of my existence? i never thought of what comes after but i'm getting older. i never thought of such things but then my tooth, back, and eye started to hurt. i better become a priestess before it's too late...

The Most Interesting Man in the World: the most interesting thing about me is i'm 150 years old...

at The Forge in the Forest.

Clint Eastwood: look at my gun!!! i'll shoot!!!

Liza: i came here to dine, man, not to die.

Clint: turn off that Jennifer Beals music!!!

Liza: on my walkman? why?

Clint: the '80s were a slow decade for me.

Liza: look man, i only came here for the ambiance. the woody ambiance. we're celebrating Leslie Sbrocco battling cancer and winning.

Leslie Sbrocco: i put the can in cancer. my cancer battle was like, picture me with black hair...

Clint: no cancan dancers!!! anything associated with France makes me chuck.

Leslie: one day there will be no restaurants...

Sarah Connor: never go to a motel were the rooms are separate island units the size of broom closets...

Godspell: you can't seduce Jesus...

Mary Magdalene: tell me about it, honey.

Bart Braverman: wait, why can't you serve two masters? just love two people...

Holly from The Price Is Right: you are BLOWN AWAY by my diction. i speak so well i made your eyes blind.

Iran: we will not stop until we make Gavin Newsom your President!!!

Anthony Kiedis: let's collab, i wanna hear you rap.

Eddie Vedder: Pearl Jam/Red Hot Chili Peppers collab song? Temple of the Cat? but i'm attending Harvard in the fall.

Anthony: Eddie Vedder hair in a ponytail wearing glasses and a plaid sweater vest...

Al Davis: remember when the NFL had 12 games?...

the Burger King mascot: might have helped if i talked. did i sound like Kevin Spacey?

Jordan Peele: people have completely forgotten about me...

Cecily Strong: people have completely forgotten about me...

Danny Bonaduce: people have completely forgotten about me...

Brooke Trantor: i have a particular sex appeal, i wear cheetah-print panties, but they're cheetah-print granny panties...

hot and windy: the worst weather.

bike polo: try it on grass...

Pegasus from Sailor Moon: are all unicorns albinos? no, i have orange eyes...

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou: live-action Sealab 2021...

but it's been three weeks without Liza at Safeway and i'm getting worried. on a typical Monday morn i make my way up the sagebrush hill, make the trek to her station and the conveyor belt is COVERED with a long line of 1000 bags of potato chips going past.

i hear a sweet voice in the wilderness: "am i invited to your chip party?"

the man is silent. Liza's face appears soft in the middle of the chip mountain, her chipmunk tooth and steady soul-snatching amber eyes nerving me.

Liza: fret not, you know i disappear for three weeks and nobody knows where i am. especially my employer Safeway, that's the way i like it. 

me: Clint? i heard he shot you dead in a restaurant.

Jen: like one of his bad '70s movies.

Liza, her face framed in a swirl of lioness mane: i got a plan if he shows up at pickleball again. which he will because he's the property owner.