WEDDING PRACTICE: THE ETERNAL PLAY

 

at the church of St. Cyril's of Jerusalem in Encino, we're finally getting it together.

me: we're almost married!!!

Jen R: not so fast, cowboy.

me: cowboy is the worst thing you could call me.

Jen: there's a wonderfully strange tradition now where the bride and groom PRACTICE the wedding ceremony at the church before the big binding day, have you seen this?

me: have i!!! and i LOVE it. it's like this Broadway play we're in we didn't know we auditioned for but we have the script in the car. we have our marks we have to hit all around the church and the spotlight rounds that cut the corners of the church like pro actors.

Jen: is there a caterer? not food, flowers...

me: this is serious. we have to do the procession down the middle carpet lane with PRECISION, at a 3/4 pace or the entire ceremony gets bottlenecked.

Father Navin who's officiating: don't screw it up. i can count on my 20 toes the number of times i've rammed into the wife walking...

wife: but not talking!!!

Jen: procession precision.

me: see i want this practice to continue FOREVER. forget the actual wedding. and the marriage!!! let's just do this play practice week after week, we're in this warm intimate interior locale safe from the world doing moves and motions only our friends and families would recognize. there's no one in the church but US. it's quiet.

Jen: we can breathe as we amble. a rites rehearsal that's a ritual, i'm in. it for the long run. walk. let's see where we're going...

Father Navin: remember, eat HALF your eggplant sandwich.

Neil Hope: Meals on Wheels could have saved me...

Claude: get thee to a church pantry!!!

Zalman King: in the '90s a woman would still make love to a complete stranger on a moving train. 

Caron Bernstein: loneliness is a river that never ends...

Gollum: I'M the star here. not Bilbo. not Frodo. not Gandalf who was the first person ever to grow a floor-length beard. it's not just the precious stuff, it's Hobbitses. i chew the scenery!!! i'm like a suave ladyboy drunk.

Gollum: my name as a man was Smeagol Smith. i was the hobbits' mailman...

Otezla: the weight loss should help with the suicidal thoughts...

local oncology center: we provide you with one knit cap...

Ralph Bakshi: we did KINDA work together that one time.

Zalman King: we shared Kim Basinger...

Leslie Sbrocco: Leslie Frank? frankly she's a wannabe me.

internist: i'm a doctor who stays inside.

Kara Swisher: living forever would get boring. even if i had a flying car. take Carl Sagan's quote off that machine!!!...

Daylight Saving: it's noon and it's the middle of the night.

humidifier in the church eaves: the water vapor is Vaporwave.

Trinity chasing churchmice: i'm an indoor alleycat.

Talia: the pews...

Greykid in the holy-water font: is this a public bathhouse?

Sphinx: i chase after pyramid mice on their period.

San Dimas: the clock here is always running. don't waste your time. go back to when you wore gray jogging pants in the '80s and LIVE AGAIN. it actually is a cooler clock than the Back to the Future clock...

U.S. Special Forces troops into Iran to retrieve the last of Iran's uranium nuclear stockpile: it's an '80s Nintendo game!!!

Will Smith and Chris Rock walk out together onto the Oscars 2026 stage.

Will Smith and Chris Rock: and the Oscar for Best Choreography goes to...

me: when i was pulling in here this morning...

Jen R: churches have parking lots?

me: i experienced the STRANGEST SENSATION. for the first time. see i've never had hair this long before, i'm growing it out.

Jen: no you're just lazy.

me: I FELT THE WIND IN MY HAIR!!! what an eerie feeling. i didn't know what that was fluttering on my head. now i know how you girls do it.

Jen: i have LONG hair that touches the floor because mothers don't have time to visit the barber. can you still eat food?

me: no. my beard has become so unruly hairs get in my mouth. these are the lessons a boy needs to become a man i was never taught by anybody: how to eat with a frizzy beard. 

Jen: the question is, does your hair have a LIMIT? is your hair limited like Johnny Rotten?

Johnny Rotten: like, unique?

Jen: will your hair continue to grow until it becomes a fro the size of Planet Earth?...