THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA THAT NEVER WAS: THE 4:55 DREAM

 

Jen R: i need a hangover burger after all that. fried egg on top.

me: don't people call in sick the Monday after the Super Bowl?

Jen: not us, bucko, you have some inner work to do.

me: my wildest dreams occur from 4:55AM to 5AM when i have to get up for Match Game.

Jen: Gene Rayburn rests for no man.

me: in that five-minute span, i experience an eternal world...

Jen: tell me your darkest fear.

me: well you see i've never experienced a school cafeteria my whole life. never ate at one of those proper public junior-high cafeterias that, say, the Belcher kids eat at.

Louise Belcher: it really brings a sense of normalcy to one's life. 

Tina Belcher: New York City non-religion really is the way to go.

Gene Belcher: and don't go forgetting Hot Lunch Wednesday!!!

the five of us are at a school cafeteria completely foreign to me, with the slatted overhead drop-door and the fly buzzing around the lunch lady in a shower cap's one tooth.

Gene: here the pizza is always ham, which is neutral.

Louise: the hot dogs are always grilled on a grill INSIDE the school so there will always be enough black smoke for a fire alarm which is an impromptu recess and gathering of school souls outdoors to build trust.

Tina: and the Hot Italian Sandwiches are just rubbery cheese in the middle.

Olympics Opening Ceremony: that part of the program that sounds like Star Tours...

Sartre: yeah Sartre Night Live, it all makes sense now, i solved God, SNL was the only show that was funny because it was free.

God: Sartre was absurd, that's why i loved him.

Shelley Duvall: instead of a NO SMOKING sign, a SMOKING ALLOWED sign that's me in silhouette holding my TALL cigarette ash in The Shining...

Jen and i are at the Winter Olympics. 

me: i'm in a TIGHT speed-skating suit.

Jen R: revealing all the muscles you don't have.

me: the tip of my skate blade catches a patch of ice and i go fucking FLYING into those welcoming spongy boards.

Jen: you're on your butt but you STILL make two revolutions around the oval!!! i don't know, i'd rather be the Italian Wuthering Heights poet...

me: an email from you each day, gets me through the day.

Jen: my name in black on your email board.

Jennifer Dodds: i'm that babe from the second season of Survivor...

Rainbow Harvest: i'm Winona Ryder if she had stayed in the Rainbow community...

Quad God: look at my outfit and think of the movie Solarbabies...

Peter Griffin: would you be more receptive to a British hostage negotiator?

Brian: yes, that accent, he would exude excellence and professionalism and competency. a voice like Michael Caine.

Peter: but not Jeremy Irons from Lolita, that would be weird.

Rainbow Harvest: it's always good to have that one rich friend...

Alyssa Milano: everyone had that '80s experience where a girl from school you don't know well is in your room rifling through your diary pages, messing up your stuff, hugging the teddy bears on your bed.

Old Enough (1984): THIS is the American Degrassi!!!

Madison Chock: it's just weird ice-skating at 11PM at night...

Bates: chalk us in, bet chalk, we're always the best, we're always gonna win.

Zalman King: yeah so Red Shoe Diaries "Cowboy, Cowboy," i had to do that one, the network was pressuring me to write a Republican episode or Middle America would boycott the show. i inadvertently ended up creating Yellowstone, man!!! it's me, it's still me, your urban cityboy Zalman, it doesn't get as cynical as Trenton, New Jersey.

The Toxic Avenger: tell me about it...

Zalman: at least the end of the episode looks like Pretty In Pink...

the Super Bowl: played outside?...

turtleneck: sunburnt nape?

me: i'm the Beerus the destroyer god of Instagram...

Lindsey Vonn: i did it for my mom. i'll be okay, just get me one of those little sandwiches from Vons. i'm Sigourney Weaver in Working Girl...

Bad Bunny at The Super Bowl: i mean you were gonna eat chips and guac anyway, right? i'm gonna slip some Spanish insults to Trump in my song he won't understand...

Jen R: how do you like your hangover-burger egg cooked?

me: hardboiled.

Jen: just not the same. a hardboiled egg tastes like french fries.