MARY ANN'S TENNIS TOWER: THE GREY DUPLEX

 

Mary Ann Caliento is my tennis teacher. she has ragged large-curly dirty-blonde hair that's always wet even when dry, a STUBBY core, fat face with freckles, zigzag tube socks and pink vinyl short shorts out on court.

Mary Ann Caliento: i'm Madonna with her natural club hair. i live in a grey duplex overlooking the Encino Hills. the apartment complex is sprawling, i have to make nice with all the new tenants who move into the building because there's only ONE COURT out back.

Jen R in a green visor and puce shorts: this is a COOL tennis court!!! it's grey like those muni courts at the park. 

me in my Bonobo T-shirt: i feel naked. is this the court?

Mary Ann: i feel bad, being a tennis instructor and all, i take up all the time on this court, i really don't let anybody else have it. i hit my landlord in the head with a whizzing 100mph serve.

Jen: tennis ball or pebble?

Mary Ann: at a woman's 100, it makes no difference...

me wearing jeans on court: bald legs. i feel nervous. i don't want to fuck this up.

Mary Ann feeling nauseous: you have what it takes to turn pro.

me: i'm just in high school.

Mary Ann: about that.........i'm 30. drills consist of running in the park and jogging around this duplex as i watch you from my Juliet window on the second story. hit that Kix cereal box on the other side of the net with this purple tennis ball and glowing racquet.

me: this is too strange for me!!!

Catherine O'Hara: a text is MAGICAL, you've really made contact with the person, you know?...

UK: The Andrew Formerly Known As Prince.

Prince: is Andrew going to that prison you guys have over there that looks like Willy Wonka's candy castle? do prisons have elevators?...

Zalman King: okay check out the Red Shoe Diaries episode i wrote "As She Wishes," i came up with the premise for Lost!!! i really was more of a genius than Hollywood who shunned me gave me credit for.

Gladyce: eventually, all food tastes the same.

Red Shoe Diaries: desperation is a lived-in human emotion.

John Singleton: the sex scene in Boyz n the Hood is realistic, you will be fucking while overhead and through your windows LAPD helicopters flying over your roof are flashing their highbeam floodlights on your bed.

get your Game Day snacks!!! at Safeway!!!.........we're assuming the Olympics are your Game Day?... 

Burger King: now how is a hamburger supposed to be melty?...

Isabeau Levito: i'm just here for the skating gala, the REAL competition. i'm wearing my honey Belle ballroom gown on the ice. gonna get me a nice boyfriend with a yacht. ice soccer, think about it...   

Pando: a Tolkien tree in real life...

Pokemon: we have a monster wearing a hockey mask on ice skates, right?

Mike Eruzione: The Miracle on Ice, brought to you by Pokemon!!!

bike polo: it's cool because there's no goalie...

Washed Out: i get it, the grey-green muni Manhattan court. but the bike polo championship match should be played in Portland...

Freud: i'm more of a Jung person.

Jung: and i'm more of a hung person...

Eileen Gu: time to hate me more because on the cover of Hong Kong Vogue i look like Audrey Hepburn...

Sarah Schleper: schlepper, i should have been a cross-country skier.

Alysa Liu: Dorothy Hamill bob my ass. i'm a real one. I'm a real person who has a job stocking shelves when i'm not skating. i'm from Oaktown, man, my hair is a tapioca-mocha parfait pudding cup.

Johannesburg: The Olympics in Africa!!! it could work. put the swimming and track in District 9...

Blake Griffin: i'm not down with NBA "experts."

Stephen A. Smith: ...

Blake: but i like you. because you're a good actor. i learn from you how to do my Red Lobster commercials, act like you're having a head seizure...

LeBron James: is it weird to eat chocolate chip cookies with wine?

Caitlin Clark: no weirder than pizza with wine. i've never had cheese...

Michael Weiss: the Lord will provide us with the next meme...

we have a lesson-mate who lines up with us, a ginger boy with biceps in his tennis shoes and a Morrissey emo curl in his hair called Evans. Evans is only interested in making me do weird wrestling moves.

Jen R: it's not PRO wrestling, dude!!!

Evans: hey look do this: roll your fist into a ball, shoot up to the sky then down to the ground, the Tarzan March, like you're working a stairmaster in La Canada. that's the signature entrance of The Monkey Wrench Boys, i watch WWF on Saturday mornings as i swallow pickles for breakfast.

me: Evans, you are frightening me. being near the hot breath of your face is making me break out in hives. 

Jen: his skin is rashy.

me: i wanna go up to your apartment after practice. 

Jen: don't worry, he doesn't sweat when he plays tennis, he won't need a shower. 

Evans: he's not a hard worker.

Mary Ann: okay but not to my bedroom, only to my Pee-wee's Playhouse black-and-white-racing-flag kitchen countertop for milk and cookies. some peanut-butter-and-mustard sandwiches to fatten your legs. there are things in my hamper i don't want boys seeing.