THE REAL WIKI: THAT SCENE ON THE DRIVEWAY

 

Jen R pulls up to my driveway in a Nissan Skyline.

Jen R: Vaporwave car.

me: i finally get that scene i've been dreaming about MY WHOLE LIFE!!!

the two of us hug for a week.

me: what's in the back?

Jen: 7 cases of kitty litter. it's supposed to be the lightweight stuff but it's getting heavier in my hand. or maybe i'm just getting older.

me: did i ask for this?

Jen: subconsciously and brimstone-y. with me, yes. whenever i visit someone strange i give them kitty litter. especially if they DON'T have a cat...

me: i see you working... 

Marmaduke: don't be absurd.

mom: i like crepes but i don't want crepey skin!!!

mom: what's absurd is i don't have liquid soap in my bathroom!!! cleanser? like foam you use to spot a stain on a shirt?

Emmanuelle (1974).

Sylvia Kristel: so i was auditioning for that cat food commercial with a cartoon Garfield interacting with a live-action me. 

Just Jaeckin: i mean i wouldn't mind if your spaghetti straps came off. yes that is my real name.

Garfield: they sell lasagna at the vet?

Sartre: leave me out of this. oh wait, i guess all of us here are French-Thai.

J Dilla: this is the "Won't Do" music-video intro...

red socks: only on Christmas.

the French In Action professor: whoops, wrong door.

Gilligan: one is never alone in life.........on a boat...

jealousy: outdated in the '70s. WHAT HAPPENED?!!!

man: i didn't want to pay for it either. but nobody's around!!!

Van Gogh: i never slept with any of my models. i feel i missed out...

donuts: strange country? have a donut.

morning meditations: keep the tips pointed.

factotum: even a brothel needs cleaning.

the The Room bed...

houseboy: this green robe means i'm a eunuch. i run through the banyans like Martin Yan that one time.

boredom: the enemy of this house and this film.

James Caan: sailors make lousy lovers.

Emmanuelle: all i did while in Paris was go to the Nintendo Store.

Shirley Manson: it's not cheating if it's women. but you're gonna have to shave...

Marie-Ange: like my Shel Silverstein shirt?

Marie-Ange: never trust anyone over 30.

Emmanuelle: this is a California King from when Mordecai was my lover.

masturbation: it's only elegant when women do it.

Fontainebleau: everybody goes to this restaurant after prom!!!

Less: no wonder i'm still a virgin. no car. and i sleep at night...

Felipe sawing his forefingers at the green houseboy: chame chame chame chame chame.

Concorde plane: looks like a movie theatre...

William Shatner: um, stewardess?

stewardess: it's a French plane, making love happens in the seats. seats as big as sofas.

Roger Federer: when i'm at the Thailand Open, i play squash along the side of a pagoda.

Samuel Beckett: the answer lies in pleasure itself.

Emmanuelle: i want to drink you.

Errol Flynn: but i taste like Hi-C.

Emmanuelle: why can't beauty be getting fucked in the ass with a glass dildo?

Jen R: omg remember those '70s white socks with one red stripe and one blue stripe?

Danny Supple: wood racquetball racquets?

Shirley Manson: my fantasy is to make love while wearing my Gloria Steinem glasses.

Jackie Fitzgerald: it's the same impulse when you see my butt and tits.

feminism: take a lover...

Adam: we're all naked underneath our dresses.

Steve Jobs: when was i in the Coast Guard?

licentious: having a driver's license.

me: that's a neat trick, put a bracelet on your crush's wrist and wait to see if she returns it...

Jen R: highlighter-yellow car?...

Bee: none of that corn-flakes nonsense for breakfast...

Washed Out: hey don't knock a life of leisure.

Bee: that's not how life works!!! get out of the jeep, i'm married to my job. look, you're okay but.........i'm kinda friendzoning you...

King Crimson: copyright court, dudes. wait, this is a Kevin Kline movie? okay you can use our music.

Bee: put on this red Steve Buscemi backwards cap to blend in.

Emmanuelle: i'm falling in love with Steve Irwin's wife.

naked Thai woman: i don't smoke, my vagina does.

The Carpenters: so you're healthy? what are we doing here?

The Carpenters: sure beats the car cigarette-lighter from our 1974 Oldsmobile...

Bee: well, i've never had naked lesbian sex inside a Thailand bamboo cage before, that's for sure.

Martin Scorsese: if you have to make a sex film, LIE to the government of that country...

Anthony Bourdain: a solo trip to Bangkok will crush you with depression...

Anthony Bourdain: Vietnam? maybe... 

Yoshie Bancroft: works for Harmony Gold...

carnival wheel: impossible to win. you better hope the Ferris wheel is working...

Cumber: The Bible is boring, learn about exciting Saiyan ancient history in Sunday school instead...

me: what? i was looking at your butt.

Melissa Maker wearing an ALO fur coat: you know, yeti. not cute at the grocery store. Hulk Hogan when he was in Russia.

Jen R: sexy yeti.

the two of us, the two soulmates, move from a memory to a moment to the murmurs of a meal.

Jen still hugging my neck: remember, whenever you see 9:30AM on the clock, that's me, that's my warmth.