LINDA THE THREE'S COMPANY ROOMMATE: NO MORE STARS!!!

 

Linda ditches her "date" to the planetarium Larry for a real man.

Linda: okay, i've cornered my real man, a man who can REALLY explain things. so, what do you have to say for yourself?

Sartre: that's a nice gold telescope?

Linda: don't you see how painfully unfair this all is? how eternally morose? the more i look into this telescope...

Sartre: ...the more your eyes widen? the more wonder enters your heart?

Linda: no, you said it yourself: the universe is meaningless. it's CRUEL at this point to introduce more stars into it. for the love of God, DO NOT BIRTH ANY MORE STARS INTO THIS MESS OF A MEANINGLESS UNIVERSE!!!

Fuerza: God is a woman you know. makes more sense: the warmth, the grace, the sumptuousness, birthing the universe...

Linda needs some hope after that existential outburst.

Linda: playing detective always makes me feel good at 4PM. 

she travels to Above the Top where the It's a Living girls immediately fit her into a sexy black-and-white waitress dress.

cocktail dress: see that's the thing, it was meant to HAVE cocktails in, not serve them...

Linda: where's Cassie? just kidding. where's that little number? both meanings. you guys gotta stop this.

Nancy and Howard's son Lorimar: whatever do you mean?

Linda: YOUR lettuce got stuck in OUR drainpipe!!!

Lorimar: there's a perfectly reasonable explanation to all this. as you know, our waitresses go CRAZY with the salad. and our two shows are connected in this sorta mystical way...

Mr. Roper: ow ow ow ow OW.

Mrs. Roper: it's a hairline fracture, Stanley.

Stanley Roper: oh i get it, the hairline went from my head to my foot!!!

Helen Roper: did you really leave me for Joy Behar, Stanley?

Stanley: no i didn't, Helen!!! that's the cocoa talking!!!

Ira: it's just weird that Ira is a man's name...

Target: where's that Target that's on top of a snow mountain? Colorado?

PG&E: Carrington Event, we got it covered...

Pope Bob: the Red Shoes Diaries movie, Minority Report, Mary Poppins, and that one with James Gandolfini playing Henry VIII...

gallant: pronounced ga-LONT, not gal-ant.

magic: anything that is NOT AI...

food: it's gotta cut through...

Super Mario: do my men and me get hazard pay for picking up the trash and recycling during an atmospheric river?...

parent: do i still have friends?...

Trent Reznor wearing a Baltimore Orioles cap as a tram tour-guide: New Orleans is known for trompe l'oeil. 

Jen R: he always was known for his clear skin...

Trent: because i'm worth it. conductor, get it?

Gene Rayburn with a Bartesian: hosting is what i do...

Ginger: think about me, i'm a black woman with red hair, i encompass all that is noble about humanity, i am real, i am the true Mother Earth. i am Mama Earth.

Amy: people forget how i was kind of this crazy scamp on Wings, like a mechanic with her screw loose who was destined to play first violin, not second fiddle...

Amy: with really no emphasis on my Texas accent...

Michael Che: black don't crack.

Ginger: except for you, dear. it's not your fault, baby, Dwight Gooden was your father, right? in the '80s in order to get noticed you had to date a baseball player...

Linda is having a reckoning.

Linda: i wish i could have lasted longer. as does everyone. if only there was a way to live longer...

she has an idea.

Linda: wait a minute, i get it now, I was those two women: the lovelorn fat woman and the thrown-away old woman. yes, see, those women were ME as i got older. i became unloved and turned fat. then the fatness gave way to oldness.   

Jack Tripper: all this because you didn't marry me? 

Linda: if only i'd taken that flight...

Linda: all i have to do is go back and be young again.........manipulate the mailbox downstairs by the outdoor stairs so i buy the apartment from Eleanor.........and marry Larry?...