THE REAL WIKI: NEW YORK TO HONOLULU

 

Jen R: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

me: we're celebrating HERE?

Jen: sure. haven't you always wanted to eat at a genuine New York City bazaar?

me: so, the turkey will have little flat pizza bits?

Jen: from now on, toned EVERYTHING.

me: what happened? i've never seen you this way before.

Jen: well you start to notice, you know? i can't keep eating the cookies, it's starting to show.

me: but you don't get fat. you turn into this cute adorable pudgy roundball winter elf instead. i wanna squeeze you MORE!!!

Jen: okay do the thing.

i close my eyes, put my hands and fingers together, GENTLY bow down my back to the floor as the gold carved coffeemaker spits its golden brew at the NYC coffee bar.

me, chanting: '80s USC dad coffee, '80s USC dad coffee...

Jen: i feel we need "Warm Machine" by Bush as the elevator music.

Pea Soup Andersen's: the official restaurant of The Exorcist...

Emmanuelle (1974).

Japanese women: SHE'S ON TOP!!!

me: see? the waterfall isn't beautiful until i tell you about it.

Jen R: i get it now, i'm made of water...

Thai woman found alive in coffin: ...

Bee: my French teacher told me to get a Flawless Victory at the arcade, that'd be more lucrative as a career. i gave him my cribbage board.

Jen: a cribbage board looks like a Hot Wheels track.

Emmanuelle: the rain is my tears. that is so French-Thai Existentialist. like losing 5 internet images on your computer but the images were from 5 months ago so you forgot what they were and you'll NEVER remember what they were...

Ariane: Jean, you're a slut.

Jean: i won't, my cock is not your racquetball racquet-handle to play with.

Jean: a woman can't be a bachelor!!!

Emmanuelle: wait till Emmanuelle 2...

Jean: look, swingers like us, we can't experience love.

Ariane: i wanted to be your one and only. i wanted to be the wife of the entire franchise of Emmanuelle. let's play racquetball in our longskirts.

Mario: when you're an 80-year-old man who can still get it up, i'd call that poetry. 

Emmanuelle: i tire of this bedhopping, i'm going back to Paris to study archaeology, i REALLY want to be Bee's wife!!!

folding screen: is this really necessary in this film?...

monogamy: it's dead. so there really shouldn't be adult virginity anymore, right?...

laws: scared of life.

opium dens: not just those Dungeons & Dragons basements with the orange carpet.

eroticism: it's like an episode of Red Shoe Diaries...

Mario: sex and love are not the same. sex means don't get pregnant!!! love is this intangible thing in the mind. but the mind is in the body...

what brand of opium is this?: Marlboro.

Napoleon: i wouldn't have been so warhappy if mom had given me that spoon collection.

Matt Frewer: i collect.........situations.

Billy Corgan: real love is erection?

Thai boxing: if there's kicking, it's not boxing!!! the prize is a lick on the eyebrow, that's it!!!

Mario: i want a black Emmanuelle...

Emmanuelle: so Bee and i got arrested during the waterfall scene, we got caught naked, spent a night in a Thai prison. 

Anthony Bourdain: would've been the rest of your lives were not for me. if i hadn't intervened. luckily i knew the King of Thailand. i knew the King of Thailand was a major film buff. we bonded over Vanishing Point.

the King of Thailand: it's me!!! Thai Guy from Crespi!!!

Melissa Maker: i love my ex-husband's family but not him, it's weird.

koalas: our STD problem, it's not what you think. Australia isn't any freakier.

Bindi Irwin: i mean you did have a rave scene in the '90s.

koalas: we watched Carry On Emmannuelle one too many times.

Steve Irwin: i reincarnated into a boomerang.

Dee: rare but it can be a man's name.

Twisted Sister: ironic...

Jim canto; for GS is when the cloud is on the street not in the sly. on;t stone in the fog, walk on the fog...

going=Toothed beaks whale do you know hiw it a sable to stay gone for so long?

dad: ginkgo Bulova.

ginkgo=Toothed leaked whakeL hit BRACHED whale...

God for DSL talk everyday.

Boston cream donut: s lich Moe than a chocolate donut...

refill; I Poe bltimot, all the stores are closed Mondays...

momL u sorcery SI Ike when Trinity the cat imos on ijur blanket, tat blanket as flak of stains,m ot need I ne washed anyway,,,

momL ot a Google item at Safeway get my maple syrup we of I won't be around or a while, not home for the gldiats, tee lengths a a rehab I  anta Croz...

Kate bold Ian: the reason you SEE u BIG Dtarfgciks syrup am IP of coffee pom-pom era is I EALLY like cogent an Dil  fabric.

shore uoL a wo only use to Fe sieve fireball fences...

this vines as... : only on news broadcats.

FhaklespeareL DSVE BBC NEWS!!!

we're in Honolulu. NOT by the airport. our bodies are fully on a white-sandy beach not on the map surrounded by turquoise water. the two of us are on a hill. two palm trees shade our faces. a protruding grey stone is our pillow.

me: not that i'm complaining but why?

Jen R: you know when you're kinda drowsy and you don't know where you are?

me: Alzheimer's on Mr. Belvedere?

Jen: you wake up. you're on a beach. suddenly you realize, I FORGOT!!! WE LIVE IN HAWAII!!! that is an amazing feeling.

me avoiding a crashing wave: isn't this the spot where you fell in love with surfing?

Jen: John Davidson was handsome, but Jack Lord was OUTSTANDING.

me: any Thanksgiving leftovers left?

Jen: bacon. people don't think about bacon on Thanksgiving...