ROAD TO LINDY: A VEGAS WEDDING IS ROMANTIC

 

Lindy Lenz picks her nose. she puts her finger in her nose.

Lindy Lenz: it's weird because i don't smoke but my nose smells like cigarettes.

me: do you know why i like you?

Lindy wearing Terminator sunglasses: are you EVER gonna drive?

me: no.

Lindy: it's a shame all the wind-in-my-hair stuff will only be experienced by me.

me: i'm a bald driver.

Lindy: oh i know, it's the Vegas thing.

me: correctamundo. 

Lindy: remember when we used to text and you'd say we should get married in Vegas? we should have a Vegas wedding? 

me: see that's exactly the thing, i don't remember that but you do!!!

Lindy: we're driving to Las Vegas now. i just gotta get a lubejob in Granada Hills.

when we get there the Little Pink Chapel the size of a shoebox in the middle of the street is so CUTE!!!

Lindy: and always available. for strangers. strangers in love. a Vegas wedding is so romantic, don't you think?

me: i've never thought about it. i never thought i'd get married.

Lindy: because it has nothing to do with familial ties, pressure from your parents, legacy, religion, or social status. when two people get married in Vegas, they are ALONE IN LOVE, it's just them. and maybe their CLOSEST friend as a witness. who happens to be a street bum. they're saying fuck the world. they're there for THE TWO OF THEM, EACH OTHER, not the state. nobody has to find out. in fact the two don't want anybody to find out, they want to live out their love in secret.

me: with only Elvis having the paper.

Sir David Beckham: i'm only getting knighted NOW?!!! shouldn't this have happened like 15 years ago?...

Queen Elizabeth: we thought you had really eaten buffalo meat when you had those Buffalo wings.

LeVar Burton: i played Kunta Kinte to the hilt because we were both looking for our fathers...

Mikie Sherrill: i mean.........i'm kinda hot...

David Lynch: Woody Woodpecker is a metaphor for human suffering in the world. i had a hook in my back while i was writing Eraserhead, that explains a lot. you see Heaven is Sunset Boulevard...

reno: renovation in Reno.

history buff: don't worry, we watch PBS, not The History Channel...

history buff: we're not trying to CHANGE history...

man in commercial: all i'm doing is eating food...

a British person who has never heard of Doctor Who: ...

Doctor Who: now THAT is an episode we haven't tried yet. that is literally impossible to pull off.

Iga Swiatek: karma is not a Polish cake. a Polish cake made with drunk-fan rum...

Wes Studi: we don't study our ancestors, our Indian ancestors are in us when we Spirit Walk at birth.

The Nature Company in Berkeley: and then you get an onion burger at The Good Earth restaurant...

Southern belle: not necessarily plump...

Chris Brown: those Hallmark movies are really therapeutic...

Kim Raver: it's me, Kim Raver. good ol' reliable Kim Raver...

Seth Rollins: Screech from Saved by the Bell is alive and an adult...

the wedding chapel is four rectangular pink walls. the pews are all fitted with flowers. the carpet the first Vaporwave purple. Lindy is wearing a Russian court dress with her bouquet of blueberries. i am completely naked except for my tux. arched high ceiling.

Elvis-impersonator in a full white sequin bodysuit with tassels and yet also bald and wearing reading glasses: remember, the marriage doesn't matter, just the wedding. as you're imagining your vows think about that It's a Living '80s sex which was so innocent...

the guest list which are all arrivals: Amie Harwick, Robert Decker, Richard Jeni, Michael Jackson, Sandi, Jerome, Olmec in a pink tux, Trent Reznor wearing white, Oprah, Nancy Beebe's son, and Howard's first wife.

me: can i give you your wedding gift now?

Lindy Lenz in a sea of balled-up wrapping paper: wait, you're forgetting what woman you're with. this is for Jen R.

me: i am? it is?

Lindy: this is that new Cameron Crowe memoir The Uncool, *sigh* this is the perfect gift for Jen R.

Jen R eating Pirouette cookies: thanks, kid. 

me: you're welcome. 

Jen: they're like chocolate taquitos.

me: i didn't see you hiding in the bouquet.

Jen: this isn't so much a Christmas gift as a birthday gift for me...