CUNNING FOLK: FUNERAL INVITATIONS

Kurt Cobain is busy writing out his own funeral invitations. when he shows them to Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic, they are not amused.

Kurt Cobain: but it's funny, right? i mean it's something i would do.

Dave Grohl: yeah, now that i think about it, i picture in my mind YOU doing it, it's pretty hilarious. that is so you, so something you would do.

Krist Novoselic: the way the writing is all crazy on the margins and haphazard and squiggly lines and uncrossed Ts and undotted Is, scribbling down the page to a pool of nonsense words at the bottom, that is so you, Kurt!!!

Kurt: yeah i mean i gave you guys directions to the church i want, the funeral parlor i want, both must be purple rooms. it's all in fun, you know? funerals are fun, why does it all have to be so sad? so morose. let's make it a party. i'll be there at the front door greeting everyone who attends, shaking their hand.

smoke: HOW MANY TIMES has smoke cleared on Dragon Ball?...

Double Indemnity.

Kate Smith: because it shows you how to commit the perfect crime...

Fred MacMurray: no i'm not the guy in that black-and-white Cheerios commercial. Bosco chocolate milk? i was in that sitcom with the family dog Marmaduke... 

Barbara Stanwyck: i was an unattainable beauty. with a face that made Venus weep. but the sunglasses make me look goofy.

Woody Allen: why don't people like movies the way i do?...

all in: that's why you're so tired.

rheumatism: not really a thing after like 1949...

Ms. Krause: WHOA that's the Berkeley Library!!!

Fred: i may be drunk, i'm speaking into a macaroni.

Glendale: the finest ice cream trucks in the county!!!

Jen R: look at that GIRL swinging a baseball bat!!! that's unheard of in the '30s!!!

Barbara: just sunbathing with Bert.

red goldfish: crackers in the fishbowl.

Fred: you know, Bruce Springsteen?

Barbara wearing a honeysuckle anklet: you'll see in the trailer...

Barbara: you like waitress salad, Mr. Neff?

shadow of a revolver at the back of the car...

Edward G. Robinson: and i'm already a little man...

EGR: we're selling policies to bums like that guy from the band Live who let everyone down.

Jen R: remember when dames would call fellas "fresh" for coming on too strong? sigh.

Trump: remember, $50,000 in 1940 was like a million dollars today...

Jenna Jameson: straight between the eyes.........not cum...

Fred: so i rolled a few lines at the bowling alley. of cocaine. Johnny Rockets soothes my soul. my apartment's top floor is a garage... 

Barbara: my husband's out putting Tato Skins in the new well.

oughtn't: a tough word to say in noir rapid-fire.

Jen R: that precious moment after you've both declared your love for one another when you're aimlessly walking around the kitchen in a daze looking for wine glasses...

Tehachapi: Native American for "Tajin does not taste good."

Barbara: i just happened to be his wife's nurse...

David Stern: and now, to crook the house, the NBA has see-through gambling tables or something?...

Chinese checkers: in the '80s when you weren't good at Nok Hockey or Carom...

California hat: sunhat.

Stanford: we were BIG in the '40s...

James Dean: imagine me USC premed...

flounces: a jump at UCLA '80s summer drama camp.

Detective Conan: tiny little beige cards in the doorbell, who knew?!!!

Fred: i walked from my apartment to the Dietrichson house. it was 3000 miles but whatever.

observation berth: this train looks like Palm Springs!!!

Ford Model A engine: just needs a little warming up...

drugstore: where everybody went to eat.

Kurt gets up on the church stage and delivers his own eulogy.

Kurt Cobain: i know what you're all thinking. you and i started thinking the same thing about a week ago. you've noticed Elizabeth Banks before. but the way she is SO FUCKING HOT on Press Your Luck has blown all of our minds.

Melissa Maker: can you be just an OnlyFans foot model?...

Pitbull: i made John Travolta bald. Bruce Willis encouraged me...

Bruce Willis: i'm fine. turns out the afterlife is not big on hair.

John Travolta: i always wanted to play Moe from The Three Stooges.

Quentin Tarantino: internet funding isn't a thing anymore so to save money: me as Larry, no Shemp.

work email: how you get her home phone number...

Holt Hanley: nuisance rain is nuanced rain...

Chris Walken's would-be wife in The Dead Zone: when i made love to Chris Walken while married to that other man, those were scenes of GRACE.

light rain: it's a blessing.

Stephen King: i became a bestselling author as revenge when they didn't cast me in Clayface...

Eddie Murphy: so i was all ready for my first threesome with Yul Brynner and Kathy Lee, but i got stuck in Mister Robinson's Neighborhood!!! between two beige cardboard blocks. i was hoping since he was The King and I he'd send over one of those LONG SKINNY scaly dragonboats to fish me out of the projects sewer.

Kurt Cobain as he's shaking Jason Wade's hand by the entrance: i'm falling even more in love with you.

Jason Wade shaking Kurt's hand: thank you sir. hanging by a moment, i get it. you have a dark sense of humor, sir.

Kurt: please, call me Kurt. you know i just realized!!! people always ask me what is the Gen Z version of the Gen X band Nirvana? it's Lifehouse!!! how'd you come by that name anyway?

Jason: it's a Soundgarden-type name. 

Kurt: you got the blond hair and growly grunge voice and everything. you know for the longest time i was the ONLY man who had long blond locks of hair, it was weird. 

Jason: are funerals about death?

Kurt: no, they're about love.