LINDA THE THREE'S COMPANY ROOMMATE: SELF-HAIRCUT

Mr. Roper: my toes are tingling.

Helen: your foot's broke, Stanley.

Mr. Roper: don't say that to me, Helen!!! can't you see i'm a man in pain? 

Larry: hey no problem, R, just dip that foot in some bath salts.........actually using bath salts for what they were intended for...

Linda: PERVERT!!!

Jack Tripper: what?

Linda: how do you explain THIS telescope?!!!

Jack: i don't peep. that's Larry's telescope, it was a misdelivery. Larry is the freak, not me.

Larry: i actually am into astronomy, nobody cares that's why it's never in the script.

Linda: so Jack, about the kitchen sink.

Jack: throw everything at your problems, Linda, that's a good girl.

Linda: no i saw pieces of lettuce swimming around the two whirlpools of dirty water in there.

Jack: that's disgusting, woman. that's gnarly. wilted lettuce? limp lettuce?

Linda: i have an idea where it's coming from...

Jack: i don't have time to argue with you this morning, Linda, i have a very important thing to do.

Linda: ...

Jack: not THAT!!! i have to give myself a self-haircut in the bathroom.

Linda: so that's what our psychedelic bathroom is used for. but Jack, it's impossible, you'll see. you can shave off the front yourself but it's IMPOSSIBLE to cut the back of your head of hair.

Jack: would you hold the hand mirror at my back while i do it?

Linda: you're missing the point. people need people.

Mr. Furley: anybody need a little scissors?...

Toonzone: not many of our members have cars...

The Rite.

Ingmar Bergman at Rite Aid drinking a Diet Rite wearing Stride Rites: it should have been called Rite.

Ingmar Bergman: right?

Sartre: no.

Igor Stravinsky: maybe.

Aaron Copland: The Rite of Spring was decent...

Ascona: where Roger Federer plays pickleball.

Roger Federer: and where i brush my teeth...

Corinthians: you can't have love without perseverance. what the FUCK does Congress do?!!!...

judge: a private showing of a forbidden act? i don't know about this.

ritual: it doesn't have to be a killing. a wedding is a ritual, too.

robe + cowl: maybe you'll get lucky? maybe they'll actually be Roman Catholic monks and not a cult?...

Thea: thank you for the lovely flowers. they died. but it's the thought that counts. it's just some light brain-cancer medication i'm taking.

intercession: but all those suicides. and Jack Cassidy...

judge: what's in the bag?

Thea: that's a drum.

Mike Tyson wearing a mask: don't worry, it's just my speedbag filled with wine.

Roman Catholic wedding: you forgot about this but everyone in the congregation drank ritual wine that day.

judge: the case to be a lawyer was imposed on me when i was a boy, get it?

freedom: it's ghastly.

Ingmar Bergman: i promised myself i wouldn't use the word "absurd" in this script...

Spock: you're lucky i slapped your face with my hand and not my 2-foot wood cock.

judge: cruelty is lust, a boring lust.

judge: my last name is Hell but i'm not going to Hell, right?.........right?...

judge: i didn't die of a heart attack or a knife stab. i died by ritual tits!!!

Ingmar Bergman: i had the perfect lived-artist life. i was Van Gogh with the happy ending.

cassette tape: thrown out a car window, does a little spin on the asphalt...

hosting: because the best thing you can do as a human being is host a party...

Brooke Trantor: no Quincy isn't a new show on CBS with Jack Klugman as a reluctant detective who never leaves his apartment...

me: let's spoon. spooning helps with the hibernation.

Jen R: hey, you don't have to spoon heroin just because you're spooning.

Troy Polamalu: it's nice the Head & Shoulders people let me keep my grey hair...

OmegaXL: your heel pain is healed. your joint pain is gone. now you'll still have to sit in a porch rocking-chair...

health care: self-care...

pizza with milk: ...

Kevin from Home Alone: no the pizza dough is made with milk...

Peter Hook: you know how Quincy Jones produced every song that was ever made? so yeah i did "Hook" by Blues Traveler. i wrote the lyrics in that middle part...

there's a knock at the door.

Linda: oh yeah, you're that fat woman Jack had trouble with.

fat lady: au contraire, Jack was a gallant gentleman with me.

Linda, smiling spacedly: yeah, Jack is nice like that. frankly my dear i don't give a damn. no not you, that blonde bitch Southern belle. 

fat lady: the greatest thing a handsome dashing man like Jack can do for a fat chick like me is LIE GRACIOUSLY. that lie comes out of kindness. kindness is something you won't see in the universe through that telescope.

Linda: you touched me here today. do you want to have dinner with me? crack open a bottle of chilled Roscato wine between the two of us? have a San Diego spaghetti on tiny plates on our tiny table by the television set here?

fat woman: extra clams please. my clam will never be slurped. but that's okay. i met Jack Tripper for one day.

fat woman, crying: the greatest thing a family can say to a member of that family is they loved them. they stuck around for them. it's a lie. it's the big lie all families tell each other.  

Linda: damn, woman, you got my eyes misting and i don't have fern allergies. it's getting all Wicked For Good in the apartment.

Jeff Goldblum: i'm 80 and have a 10-year-old son?...