LINDA THE THREE'S COMPANY ROOMMATE: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN JANET'S AWAY?

 

Linda bends down to brush her hair forwards.

Linda: i'm your roommate while Janet's away, Jack Tripper, but you know the ground rules.

Jack Tripper: i know, no hanky-panky. it's a good thing i have you as a default girlfriend whenever i'm in a pinch.

Linda: i'm here to protect Chrissy. from you.

Jack: give me some credit, i'm not as bad as Larry.

Mr. Roper knocks on the door.

Linda: nice try, Shakespeare. what are you crabby about THIS morning, you crabby old bastard.

Mr. Roper: my right foot's killing me, i had to kill the autumn walks this week, they were my only doctor's-note excuse, i can't stay away from Helen anymore. she told me to take a Tums then proceeded to make out with me!!!

Linda: you're not gonna eavesdrop on us through the plumbing pipes?

Mr. Roper: that's a thing?

Linda: in the '70s, yes.

Mr. Roper: Costco should do that for mail.........i really don't want to be a plumber...

Linda: if that's quite all, Mr. Roper, i have an English muffin to get back to.

Mr. Roper: wait a minute, wait a minute, who the hell are you?!!! you kids swap roommates like tissue paper, is this even legal?!!!

Linda: i don't see the problem as long as SOMEONE pays the rent...

Mr. Roper to the camera: huh.........i suppose i can't find a reason to hate you...

Noops from Linda's bedroom: come to bed.

Linda: it's a good thing Roper didn't hear you, this is a no-pets-allowed pad.

Noops: don't harsh my vibe, mellow mama. i don't know what i like more, being a dog or being a talking dog. he was a man, take him for all in all, i shall not look upon his like again...

Thanksgiving song: the Denny's jingle...

The Rite.

Ingmar Bergman: it's your right to see this obscure TV-movie shown on Swedish television ONLY TWICE, once in 1969 and then for some reason again in 1973. 

Ingmar Bergman: of COURSE i play a priest. my acting skills are best viewed in a monastery...

Sherlock Holmes: burlesque but clothed, Robert De Niro as a taximan, and naked Hamlet with a weasel instead of a skull, nothing pornographic here.

Jen R: gotta love a rotary-dial phone that's also push-button.

actors: we only know Fahrenheit.

Thea: why does your Coke smell? i only drink sherry on Sunday. State sherry.

Roger Federer: keep your money. we need our own money, we can't just be Swiss francs...

Thea: they were obscene gestures because i hate cops, not because i was naked. i did a very good impression of Ian Curtis having an epileptic seizure on stage. i suffocate whenever i don't hear applause.

Thea: FLASH!!! not lightning, a spotlight...

Lou Reed: i'm never taking off these sunglasses, i have no eyes...

Thea sponging her toenails: i'm only with you because you look like Spock as a hippie. do people REALLY need to brush their teeth?

Spock: morning breath is a blessing, it means you have someone.

Thea: notice how we're not dropping acid for breakfast, we're spreading orange marmalade on crumpets.

Ingmar Bergman: panties are not pornographic. that tongue is tho.

Trent Reznor: a Trent Reznor kiss is when you while never kissing lick your partner's mouth with your tongue...

Spock: i had that dream where i had to repeat the 3rd Grade for eternity. it was okay because the 3rd Grade was pleasant. my mom had nasal drip.

Thea: this is the first time in history a horse in Sweden escaped unloved...

Thea: you're slapping my thigh, not my arse.

Spock: do you know what cheeks are for? to make the washboard sound. when you're actually washing clothes, not playing an instrument. 

Dr. Robbins: islands are miracles of nature. therefore travel to one and die.

Dr. Robbins: you're moving too much!!! quit moving around!!!

Spock: you know something? matchsticks are more fun than smoking...

Spock: my ex-wife made a mummy with Brendan Fraser.

Ingmar Bergman: hey, friends don't murder.

Spock: i'm Jack McCoy if he did the murder...

judge: i have to take a bath 9 times a day, do you know how humiliating that is?

Spock: the man ate his wife. the wife thanked him, she'd never experienced vaginal pleasure like that before.

Ingmar Bergman: no human being can frighten me, that's the line of the movie, that's my best writing here.

judge at confession: bless me, Father, for i have sinned.

Father Ingmar Bergman: you like the cheesecloth divider? don't tell me a dark secret about you, i'll never look at you the same way again. i'm not good with secrets, i tend to blab, too much weight to bear, not good for my heart.

judge: give me something. does God understand the unbelievers? why is life so cruel?

Father Ingmar: the answer is in the Enigma "Sadeness" song when the monks start mumbling...

Bewitched uncle: who exactly makes the laws?...

Rod Serling: this is looking like that "Obsolete" episode.

Heros: the hero of our story.

Bewitched uncle: my son is Swedish, he's weak, he doesn't attend school, he sits in a house.

Bewitched uncle: just don't talk to the judge in that clown makeup.

Thea: without reason we'd be insane. but love is insane.

Bewitched uncle: i don't want to die, i want to be free. is there any way to sleep forever?...

judge: i'm not being creepy, Mrs. Winkelmann, you are objectively beautiful.

Thea: i had a 2-year itch. apple cider does NOT work on itchy skin!!!

Spock: we're cancelling for the Vietnam War?

Kamala Harris: or, you know, no tariffs...

bar: potato chips and yogurt balls.

Bewitched uncle: give her the Naruto-shocker to her clitoris, she'll gush out those orgasms.

Sherlock Holmes: DNA is elementary, my dear Watson.

James Watson: the H stands for helix...

Jen R: another present?

Jen undoes the wrapping.

me: yeah i figured i better give it to you before the both of us forget.

Jen: it's exactly the size of a breadbox. omg it's those chocolate-covered Ritz crackers!!! how dangerous!!!

me: it's your Christmas gift but as food it's also your Thanksgiving gift...

Vikings: yikes.

baseball cards: okay we'll take your Pokemon cards...

Trintellix: but my depression is caused by my sexual problems...

rebook: get the Reebok.

Michael Jordan stranded at the airport: ...

Shakespeare: knock knock.

Edward de Vere: ...

Shakespeare: you're supposed to say who's there...

Linda in the kitchen.

Linda: oh GREAT!!! the kitchen sink's flooded!!! now i can't enjoy my breakfast!!!

there's a knock at the door.

Linda: oh yeah, you're the old lady Jack threw out.

old lady: i was only smothering him with mothering.

Jack: in fairness, she got to be too much. you know how eventually everyone becomes too much?...

Linda: i do empathize with you, elderly madam, your own son disowned you and you felt like a forgotten person in society. our society is cruel, when you reach a certain age you become invisible and disposable, less than a human being. I FEEL YOU. i feel your old melancholy. i feel the same way, deep down i wonder if i'm good enough. good enough to stay here. i can't replace Janet, i don't have her zippy personality, i don't have her butt. Jack and Chrissy putting me on their shoulders throwing me out in the middle of the night as i'm half-asleep in my frilly eggshell-blue nightgown, this is what i see!!!

Linda: i tell ya what i'm gonna do for you, granny, you can be my grandma for life IF you promise to swap pudding cups with me during recess. remember that in grade school?

old woman: of course, i used to MAKE the pudding my son ate on the playground. he never appreciated me.

Linda: i get to keep all the butterscotch pudding cups.

old woman: i INVENTED butterscotch in 1911.

Linda: well i'm already outside on this crisp light-blue night, i might as well check the mail. I KNEW IT!!! it's a telescope. must be addressed to Jack in this puffy brown envelope with dark-brown twine. i'm sure Jack uses it to peep at the scantily-clad young women at night who are our neighbors in this building!!! lingerie and bunny slippers, that's all this place is!!!