i'm not feeling too good. i forgot to feel...
1. what's your best excuse to get out of an invitation?
i tell them i forgot my hat......not my Santa hat, my Pharrell hat. that's the only way i can get happy again, by listening to the song "Happy". do you know how much of a bummer it is to have a sad sack like me at your Christmas office party drinking all the peppermint schnapps and hanging on the chandelier made of fuzzy caterpillary holiday streamers? so much so i chased away Debbie Downer herself:
me: hi.
Debbie Downer: i can't stay, i'm getting the vaccine...
2. when was the last time you ended a relationship of any kind? what was the nature of the relationship?
i had to end it with my pet monkey Samuel. he was looking at me funny. it went down like this:
me: Samuel, did you eat my cantaloupe again?
Samuel: i used it for something else...
me: this isn't working out, Samuel. we both live in this apartment and we both like Sublime. you're my best friend but when you look at me you send your monkey wavelengths into my brain and start reading my mind...
Samuel places his foot-that-looks-like-a-hand on my shoulder.
Samuel: i don't need to be a mindreader to know you're worried about Karen.
me: i just don't want her going to Costco...
3. tell us about a phone call or email that you needed to make but were apprehensive to do? did you ever make the call or send the email?
the "it's not working out" text. one time i needed to fire my boss, that was not pretty. another time i had to end it with my first love. but i promised the Lost polar bears i would save the REAL polar bears in the wild.
the worst is when you're about to send it and end it after the 69th rewrite and she texts back that it's unfair to me to continue being her kept boy and she's met someone whilst strolling New York City named Mark but his friends call him Chandler who doesn't take himself too seriously...
4. tell us one or two things you do daily as self-care:
NEVER go to Salinas again...
LUSH bath bombs. there's a war going on in my head...
write Christmas cards to myself...
climb Mont Blanc......by sniffing Mont Blanc perfume up my nose...
5. what are you looking forward to in the holiday season or the coming new year?
starring in a Lifetime Christmas movie.........wait, don't they film those in summer? in Canada? i couldn't travel! i'm going to wear a mask the rest of my life...
BONUS: in which situations do you wish you could throw down a smoke bomb and disappear?
* magician conference in Vegas...
* when Jessica Rabbit shows me backstage...
* comic con, defeating the purpose cos i'd already be an anime superhero...
* when they run out of bath bombs...
* when i see Smoke from Mortal Kombat or Snoke getting up...
* when i see the NO SMOKING sign...
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