Pat: that's Pip! i mean Pat! i mean Pippin! just treat me like an adult, mom!!!
Galivant: but you're just a teenager.
Pat: how can i show you i've matured? that i'm a man now, mom. that i'm ready for adult sex not teenage sex! teenage sex is stupid!
Galivant: r-e-l-a-x, pet. it's the holidays, the least-stressful time of year. when you're supposed to not care how much time you have and waste the day peeing hot cocoa in the snow to make snow angels from hell. is there anything you fancy which will calm you?
Pat: a couple video games coming out which haven't been created yet like Call of Cthulhu...
Galivant: the video game might not have been invented yet but Cthulhu sure has! in fact Cthulhu is more real NOW than in the future cos he's more pure and original now in these times, truer to the inventor-god's vision.
Pat: i wanna read a book...i wanna write a book...but it's too big for me...but i have big ideas...but i don't know where to start...
Galivant: write what you know.........but that requires a key into your innermost workings...
Dirg: when's the Christmas party! i'm ready! i'm all dressed up with nowhere to go cos of quarantine! what video games are we playing?
Takahashi: what are you up for?
Dirg: Call of Cthulhu, it hits. it hits like a golf course at night...
Laertus: at least we've weaned you off the history-alternativeizing Call of Duty junk...
Cotard: you'll know we're back to normal when junk mail returns sent and Salad Toppins are back on shelves...
Mardith: *scrolling* i dunno...i'm happy for her...she posts a pic of their first date by the ferris wheel and then their one-year anniversary by some red socks catching fire by a brick wall. she says she knows 2020 has been a hard year for everybody but she LOVES 2020! for HER it was the best year! cos she met her boyfriend in 2020! quarantine was a breeze! sweetie stuff is too sickly sweet for me...
Madame Pons: don't worry, chick, you'll meet your hen...
Dirg enters completely naked save for a Christmas stocking coming out of his butt...
Dirg: i'm ready for the Great Conjunction...
Mardith: that's not a code word for sex, we're not having sex! i get it, i see all these Instagram-official couples and i get it: you ALWAYS fall in love with your yoga instructor, how can you not!
Dirg: i've been disappointed, most of mine were dogs, not downward dogs...
Pons: that's a big tchibum on your yoga-pantsed bum, you bum!
Mardith: maybe after graduation i could work at the Patchogue Theatre as a chiropractor who uses needles...
Pons: start with cracking Dirg's neck!
Doryce: *happily* did you see the rain this week? that settles it, i'm not showering this week!!!...
Codrus: ladies and gentlemen and aliens, the Gift Exchange and the Office Christmas Party and the Secret Santa have all been moved to zoom this week to one location at one specific time cos Santa is dead...
Doryce gifts Boc a Nebia By Moen rainfall showerhead...
Doryce: guaranteed to make you moan. don't be a nebbish...
Gladyce: oooh that model comes with a mister! that mist is so refreshing, so invigorating, i feel like i'm inside the caldera of a Hawaiian volcano again! the red box! perfect for those hard-to-reach areas of a woman's body...
Doryce: i need a mister...
at The Weather Channel...
Jim Cantore: *rapping him on the back* THAT'S POSTEL'S BUN IN COLLEEN COYLE'S OVEN!!! congrats, man, didn't think you had it in you, i thought you were a nerd. did you do the deed? or was your sperm delivered to her via Postmates?
Greg Postel: i've never touched a computer in my life...
Colleen Coyle: i just saw a woman post-office-worker shoveling snow and smiling...what? that's impossible!...
Takahashi gifts Dirg a Vertuo for Christmas...
Dirg: what are you telling me with this gift, "friend"? that i need to be more like George Clooney's competition? that i need to star in my own Working Girl flowbee scene? that i need to relax more?...
Takahashi: love you, bud, but the bigger blacker model of Ninja Foodi was too expensive, that Ninja Foodi is a monster it's so huge!...
Eye Luggage: monster-sized, very goth...
Dirg: the black cock as my black box, i know thee all too well. all my life. that's been my experience...
Rubikon splashes hot coffee on Dirg's face. Dirg is too dead to feel anything anymore...
Rubikon: want me to teach you rap, honky!
Dirg: sure.
Rubikon raps Dirg on the head...
Tyzik is on a date with Andrew McCarthy...
Tyzik: i have the perfect job for you, Andy.
Andrew McCarthy: so THIS is what all THIS was about?
Tyzik: Dylan Lewis, his sculpture gardens are to die for. this could be your final job!...
Michael Weiss in a Mrs.-Claus santa hat: whatever cool thing you did on Instagram, whatever technique or ability you're showcasing on there, whatever animal you're showing you have on your farm in the Hollywood Hills, your awesome alpaca, it's but a moment, and the next day that moment is gone.........what are you gonna do for your Instagram Stories TODAY!!!...
The Grinch speaking in Michael Weiss's voice: how do we accommodate for everybody in Hollywood?! billions and billions of damn actors and actresses all need jobs!!! where are they coming from! are there enough scripts? what are they all gonna do?!!
Gladyce gifts Doryce a Rollerbones skating sample...
Gladyce: everything you want: skateboards, roller skates, collapsible local So-Cal skating rinks, Nu Shooz "I Can't Wait"...
Doryce: love you for life, dear, but i wanted to jump some bones, not jump over them...
Cotard gifts Codrus a zero-gravity chair but it only works in outer space...
Cotard: Merry Christmas, ya filthy spirit animal!
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Charles M Schulz: call me Sparky. the star of Risky Business was the Little Red-Haired Girl...
Heather Wold: i have a name you know. my name is up here! i'm All-World! i am not a Woolsworth heiress, i have hair, i made my money on my own! selling lemonade when Chuck Brown sold advice! my hair isn't red, it has mold from years of not showering it cos i didn't have the time, i was the moneymaker in my family!
Charlie Brown: i feel so bad about myself. i earn money being an influencer...
Eye: Monster in a Box and go...
Spalding Gray: FOOLED YA! I'M ALIVE!!! I'VE BEEN ALIVE THIS WHOLE TIME IN HIDING!!! i snuck under the wave. that's what we creative types do, we like to keep our audiences on their toes. i haven't been seen cos i've had writer's block and was too embarrassed to tell my therapist...
Eye: a PLEASURE to have you join the podcast, sir!!! HUGE fan!!!
Spalding: what's a podcast?...
Laertus: it's this thing everyone does now to pretend they're you...
Spalding: oy. everyone thinks i'm Jewish cos i'm from New York but i'm actually a WASP. not a murder hornet, don't be scared of me. though i may drone on. tell me, do i look better with the long curly gray locks of hair or the short haircut with the salt-and-pepper? i tell ya, i still remember Opening Night for this filmed monologue. NO ONE THERE, not even the papas. the Red Carpet was green from mold. at least i still had Renee as my arm candy for that premiere...she left me soon after tho...
Dirg: a good woman with the Jewish milkers, i see you, Spald. as you monologue yourself, you got to experience her complete and buck naked in your bed without sheets, so that was something to live for...
Spalding: Renee leaving me coincided and contributed more to my sadness and me feeling bad about myself...
Laertus: sure. but also your solipsism...
Spalding: before i start talking awhile...i always confuse Noam Chomsky and Kurt Vonnegut. neither of them wanted to do a movie with me, so i made them better characters in my monologues bitching about them than they were as real people...
Cookie Monster: yeah but why did you not ever invite me? i can be cultured, too...i can eat jelly donuts...
Lawrence O'Donnell: *eating popcorn* i'm just sitting here at my desk watching all this, i'm fascinated by people who are only concerned with what celebrities have to say on every subject...
Lawrence O'Donnell: i didn't want to be Lawrence O'Donnell, i wanted to be Jon Stewart...
Laertus: i do love this monologue...
Spalding: me, too. oooh, this was back when HBO was still good and independent and niche and dangerous and not all-encompassing and flat like Max is.
Pons: that opening music is haunting, like a Twilight Zone sound-mixed with a Red Shoe Diary...
Spalding: it's the tomtoms with the HBO theremin...
Tom Cruise: THE DRUMS!!!
Grey Gardens: the monk life. everybody should try it once, not just writers...
Spalding: you'll go crazy writing alone. that's why you need people.........as subjects for your writing. my assistant as you can tell created OK KO later for the network......the Cartoon Network. oh how i miss my three-tequila lunches in L.A....
Dirg: somehow farting is more dignified when it's done on stage in a theatre...
Spalding: the retractable Doc Oc arms were spitballed invented and idea-focus-grouped in that very fish tank. but not Aquaman for many MANY years. an idea is worth plenty of fish in the sea...
Dirg: thank you for this, Spalding, you're showing us how socialism just doesn't work. you'll just end up in a shack drinking ranch with mothers of aggrieved soldiers aggrieved cos they died.
Spalding: they finally diagnosed me as a mental patient when i tried to be a psychiatrist...
Dirg: those Berkeley Rhetoric majors get ya every time...
Laertus: hey Dirg, don't confuse the two: a visit to the ancient mystical three-headed Ganges River is NOT the same as bathing with aliens...with aliens in outer space in the sea of stars...
Dirg: i have an excuse! i'm not fat, i have another being living inside me!
Laertus: Dirg, AIDS is caused by a spider, it's a spiderbite, this is Spider-Man in real life, it ain't pretty, nothing to do with a Broadway show. take it ALL back, every LAST nasty comment you ever made under your breath about gay people...
Eye: it's my dream to turn around in a movie theatre and have Cher staring back at me...
Dirg: i liked Cher better when she was Cybill Shepherd...
Mel Gibson: barking like a dog in public is nothing to see a suicide-hotline about, it means you're a genius like Mozart...
Dirg: The Shivering Truth called, it wants its script back...
Dirg: oh! you had your psychiatrist sessions in the Sherman Oaks Galleria where they filmed Wonder Woman 1984!...
Laertus: back when you had to buy a pen and a haircut to use the bathroom...
Eye: Freud was a Christian Scientist! God is a Communist! my grandma had Metrecal. my mom had Weight Watchers tv dinners, at least granny could still drink...
Dirg: if i ever went to Russia in those times the first person i'd visit would be that woman from 1984 where it was filmed, she's the kind of woman that's a dying breed: had six kids, still exercised everyday her calisthenics to tone up those arm muscles of hers, doesn't question the People In Power. an Annie Lennox type, with her '80s electronica playing in the background. sad, you were such a good actor, you were so good at faking the vodka with the Coca Cola drinking under the table with the little bottles that you got away with it, if you had been a badder actor you would have gotten caught and you would have been saved from your alcoholism...
Spalding: that's worse. what's worse, me or your grammar? they're a dying breed cos they all died under that regime...
Laertus: what does Fozzie teach us: when you're in Hell, keep walking to avoid the tomatoes being thrown at you...
Eye: and waka-walking. waka waka will ALWAYS be funny...
Takahashi: ...just ask wikipedia...
Laertus: whoa. that woman with the camera in her pants strolling Moscow was the first lifecaster!
Spalding: i signed my first writing contract with a crayon...
Don Knotts fish: i signed mine with cataracts...
Mardith: just gonna say it, Spalding you got great legs!
Pons: you should get out from under that table more often, babe.
Spalding: David Letterman licked my legs, that's why they have no hair. the reason i couldn't ask Reagan for help was i couldn't moonwalk...
Dirg: *slapping Spalding's back* don't worry, bud, Australian tits sag down under. you should know, right? talk more about when you were a porn star. please come back to porn!
Dirg: i knew it! all women are reptiles! NEVER read your reviews! especially your New York Times reviews!!!
Laertus: you know i remember this, i remember seeing this scene from before when i was a kid naughtily checking out unpaid-for free HBO cable: when you see the kid vomit during your Our Town...
Joe Rogan: we all wait for the eternal part of ourselves...some eternals are bigger than other eternals...
Eye: don't worry, Spald, it's not that you were bad, you just wore that Mister Rogers sweater that rubs everybody the wrong way, all those critics trying to be tough people who are not nice, who wear red in the snow...
Garrison Keillor: i've never looked at the back of a corn again...i keep the green skin on the corn when i eat it...
Spalding: see, this is how we monologists pull one over on our adoring audiences: we have our cake and eat it, too, because we play ALL the parts. we can have a dialogue in our monologue, we simply have to have two different voices doing the scene. by the way, The Monster---those 1000 pages of a book of a manuscript i wrote and carried around with me like a lead balloon chained to my conscience, like a bad rough draft that never quit analyzing me---The Monster isn't just a prop in THIS documentary film movie monologue first performed live on stage...The Monster is an ACTUAL book that exists IN REAL LIFE: a book called Impossible Vacation...and it's only 200 pages long...
Pons: yes, to my surprise i found it at Thunderbird Bookshoppe. next to the tragic tale of Yvonne De Carlo...
Spalding: The Monster is a metaphor...for the future...it represents all those bulky packages Amazon will never be able to deliver...
Dirg: i gotta say, bud, Spald, spud, you really made me hate the beach after this...
Dirg: maybe if your mom had more familiarity in the garage...it wouldn't have been that scary for her...
Dirg: Spalding, let's end on a high note, something that is especially relevant at this time in this Christmas season: why did you kill yourself? g'night, folks...
Mardith wears her new canvas shoes to the Christmas party. Dirg and Laertus are already naked and running around the lawn ruckusing and roughhousing like roused Southern boys in mud, playing all the parts of their live recreation of the Star Wars Holiday Special...
Dirg: but i want to play Bea Arthur!!!
Laertus: no I want to play Bea Arthur!!!
some standalone pivot lights in the front yard act as planetary stars...
Gordon Ramsay: i am NOT cooking for this!...
Laertus rubs his stomach:
Laertus: oh wow! i never noticed this before! i got a potbelly! when did this happen! but i do 20 stomach-crunches a night! more to prepare for this ultimate cosplay! how do skinny boys get potbellies as men?
Eye: *joking* who do you think you are, Frank Sinatra?
Bea Arthur: i fucked Frank Sinatra. i heard him singing in the shower one night at his typical cheap-date motel, so i suddenly peeled back the curtain Psycho-style. i saw it all! he was so skinny he was practicing by using his cock as his microphone, he sang into his glans...
Galivant gifts Pat the first key hanging where the topstar should be on the tree. Pat uses it to crash his car into the bowling alley where he works, the first bowling alley that ever existed. Galivant gives Pat the second key which Pat uses to destroy the little apartment they had above the school with an ill-timed balloon from the sky. another key forces Pat to make a choice: have a pint or save Assumpta from getting her hands on the key to go downstairs to the bowels and have that horribly unexpected pub short-circuit which happened just a block from here. Pat was thirsty that day...
Galivant: have you been drinking?
Pat: just The Fountain water...
Pat is given the final key, the franchise key: he ruins the Browns organization for generations to come with it cos he's not good on camera for the commercials which were his insurance...
at Galivant's aunt's house her aunt from the Old Country, there's one tree left:
Galivant: look at this Christmas tree.
Pat: no! i don't want to see your vagina again!!!
Galivant: it's okay.
Galivant transforms into a beaver who eats the entire tree...
Galivant: the only key that matters is inside you now...
Pat: i don't feel anything anymore.
Galivant: perfect! NOW you're a writer! you swallowed the final final key.
Pat: i don't remember eating something so grand...
Galivant: YOU ate the key, only you. now anon! get to work!...
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