EAT JO FIRESTONE'S COOKIE

 

notes:

* hey it's Christmas-themed it's Christmas-themed!

* Cookie Monster: is there a reason i'm being called out two times this week?...

* Jo Firestone: this is not a commentary on this generation's hopelessness when it comes to making friends. making friends is hard in any generation...

* Jo: i mean look at me, i'm adorkable! how can you not want to be friends with me? look at how i scrunch my mouth, i'm like a cute living Muppet...

* Jo: very easy to do this skit during covid, everyone stayed six feet away from me cos everyone hated me...

* Jo: really i just wanted someone to go into that Pic N Save and buy me a coat...

* Jo: and just think, if i had had an electric car i would have made NO friends in 10 years...but that's the electric car's fault, not my personality...

Dirg: the electric car IS your personality...

* Jo: cream buster, don't blame us, this is what happens when we can't use the real cookies names...

Breaking Bad reject: don't interrupt me, i'm still eating.........

* Patty Hearst wannabe: you want to borrow me? look at this beret on top of my head, i know the deal......it was an issue on Seinfeld the black-and-white cookie...

Jo: are you saying i will never be as funny nor ever have the career Seinfeld had?...

* i'm fat, i'm black, i'm a video-game nerd, but i'm not THAT guy...

* Andre Back Nerd: i am not sponsored by Discworld. so this one squeaks, that can't be right. it's easier to make friends if you're a nerd. 

Jo: have any non-nerd friends?...

Jo: ...

Jo: ...you were supposed to say me...

* Jo: before we start, you're a hot blonde but really i want your stylish sneakers.

'80s Madonna wannabe: see me dancing? we're so two valley girls at a sleepover with a corded pink phone on the bed...

* Sopranos reject: girl you fire.

Jo: my stepdad had a better line than that...

Sopranos reject: i never noticed a woman's eyes before...

Jo: at least you didn't say nose...

* Jo: dedicating all chocolate chip cookies form now on to our clever scientists and brave frontline medical warriors in blue in the field, the Queen's Royal EMS...

* Bibi: i used to be Ingmar Bergman's muse...

* Jo: wet or dry?

Bibi: wry...

* Koji: i'm on the wrong special...where's the Australian Asian guy?...why is wedding a type of soup?...i play for the Jacksonville Jaguars, i'm not kidding...

* Federline wannabe: Chase Palmer did E.T. and The Black Hole...the good Black Hole, the one Bakshi did...i can only get you a tank if it's at a used-car dealership...

* Sopranos: i'm friends with everybody at the handball court cos there aren't many people in the world who play handball...

* beret: i fought with the Facebook guerrilla sandistas sandies-cookies in Nicaragua...

* Jo's own grandma: now i can hear bras being snapped!!!...

* Jo: does it make you feel just that little bit more guilty that i'm getting the 50 dollars out of my own wallet which is VELCRO!!!...

* Jo: why are you laughing?

Sopranos: life's a joke.

* Jo's grandma: with whom? you? whatever, it's not like you're family or anything...

* Unabomer's brother: i'll take the cash, fig newtons is the government.

Jo: do you have a 10?

Unabomer's brother: just give me the 60.

Jo: do you at least like my boots?

Unabomer's brother: no.

Jo: i have no more money left...

Unabomer's brother: that's my velcro wallet...

* Phoenix: without sadness there would be no scripts...

* blonde: good things will come your way, girl.

Jo: ...only if i have your teeth...

* this episode brought to you by the letter M...

* the ending music: same ending music om that episode when Evel Knievel after coming from Battle of the Network Stars played Wonder Woman but couldn't beat Charlie's Angels so he went back substitute-teaching on Welcome Back, Kotter...

* George Lucas: i wanted to be known for American Graffiti, not Star Wars...

* i hate to do this to you, i hate disappointing you like this, but everyone in this was an actor...

* Joe Pera: i've been patient. i've waited. i'm shy. but when am i finally gonna see the tits?

Jo: when i'm done writing Season 3...

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happy weekend, my babies

TODAY: cooking the Christmas ham in the Ninja Foodi...scared to death...of burning it...of undercooking it, also known as rawing it...NEVER ADD GLAZE TO A HAM!!! IT JUST RUINS IT!!!...