PROPER PAT: MARBLE MADNESS

Galivant: i need to cross a rope bridge in pea soup fog in Thailand. and i need you there with me.

that was the telegram Pat received at the Western Union in Leeds. except it was the Eastern Union. 

Pat: provocative. but i hope there's a booster jab in this telegram.

Pat receives successive telegrams from Galivant, always mysterious, always at odd times of the day that he has to check with his mask on through the visor window. always with more and more ellipses on the card...

Galivant: this could be the ONLY chance we EVER have the two of us in our entire lives to get this photo right, of us at this rope bridge at this specific time in the universe, this moment and this moment for the picture will never happen again, i want to see your teeth for this picture, i want you to smile for once in your life.

Pat: huh, i'm not sure what game Gal Gadot Vant is playing at here. other than it is a game. and i just got a crate of Pepsodent from Costco. i don't brush my teeth with the Pepsodent, i eat it. very rare item, very hard to get, President Bump has forever changed Costco for the worse.

Galivant: find the guide with the blue hair, i'll see you there, i'm waiting for you right now, hurry up. oh, and the camera, don't forget the camera of course!...

Madame Pons: it's just too bad Seymour wasn't able to protect Rick Moranis from getting sucker-punched in New York. with his long reach of leaves, coulda served as a canopy shield...

Madame Pons: ...large ferns half-off this week only at LUSH's year-end sale...come on in, wear masks...we sell soapy masks...

Anna Sui: i became a success because i found out what Nothing smells like...

Kathleen Hicks: I am the real hope...

Codrus: when i go out in the world now, it feels emptier...like there's less people around...

Gladyce: my shoulder's sore---lifting that heavy swinging swiveling fridge door off the floor off its axis---but i don't take the Vanquish cos i feel normal through the day without it...

Dirg: my naturopath says i have a healing crisis......where do i go to heal that? i don't have insurance...

Madame Pons: the little pocket in your jeans, the fifth pocket, is for wedding rings when you get cold feet at the altar...

Mardith: ...and stamps so millennials can learn to write letters again...

Federer: not the Open Era, the Opeth "Era"...

Laertus: everybody's got a take on media!...

Cotard: the ones who don't get depressed are the ones who stay busy 24/7. you don't have time to be existential or sad if you're busy..

Eye Luggage: hi, Jimmy. welcome back to the podcast. what would your kid look like? if you and Nicole Kidman had shrimped the barbie?...

Jimmy Fallon: Emma Stone.........i only had Emma Stone to make Kate Hudson jealous...

Dirg: i mean COME ON! did you ever think you'd see the day Nine Inch Nails partnered with Disney!!!!!!?...

Cecily Strong: who the FUCK named my new show THAT!!!!!!?...

Dirg: the new last season 4 of Attack on Titan should be dedicated at the start of every episode to that black video-game dude who died unexpectedly...

Takahashi: ---like they did with the Funimation family at home by the fire of their studios...---

Dirg: wait, i got the hug emoji on my Instagram. that's good, right?

Mardith: that's the international Instagram symbol for friendzoned...

Laertus: for the first time in 25 years, i didn't shave my head after two months. instead i left my hair on my head but shaved my beard and mustache......i look like Bert if Ernie had moved out...

Pat: anyone up for a card game of Durak?...i have too may cards in my hand trying to figure this out...too many clues...

Abby Jame: i don't need to get stoned, i just start writing, writing itself is being stoned...

Dirg: Erma Fiend, i don't hate her cos she's gay, i hate her cos she's creepy...

Jim Cantore: i'm too tough to have Short-Man Syndrome...

Dirg: i'm stills waiting for mine. for the West-Side-hand-gesture emoji i proffered to Instagram to come through. that was MY idea, i want my money...

Mardith: i think i'll be a maid, when i maid it's like i'm performing on the Broadway stage, i'm jumping all up and down the vacuum cord and the high-window cloth i use to wash the cloth, moving gracefully from room to room, my toes touching the linoleum under the shag carpet...

Dirg: i liked cartoon Belle better than Emma Watson Belle...

Hilaria Baldwin: it's hilarious, isn't it? what can i say, i'm a damn good actress...i learned from the best, my husband...

Johnny Manziel: i was inspired to come back when i saw Baker Mayfield being me...

Dirg: that just loosened my dirg dick...

Johnny Depp: i was inspired to come back...nevermind...

Dirg: i tried to see my psychiatrist, but i had a mask on which muffled my rantings...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?...

Eye: Grey Gardens and go...

Spalding Gray: i'll take it from here Tyzik take the rest of the night off. i invented the Nintendo gray box, i gave them the idea for the RESET button, they only had the POWER button. and why was I not in this film? i'm Grey Gardens For Men all wrapped up in one person!

Big Edie: we inadvertently lived the lives of two monks...

Codrus: OMG Little Edie and Big Edie ARE ACTUALLY HERE!!! MY BROTHER AND I ARE THE HUGEST FANS OF YOU GUYS!!! THANKS FOR COMING TO THE PODCAST!!!

Cotard: you two inspired us to become monks...well me anyway...

Codrus: *licking his lisp* we both studied your moves VERY carefully, heeheehee...

Little Edie: make no mistake, WE INVENTED COTTAGECORE!!!

Spalding Gray: i don't hate Bill Hader.........but i'll see him in Hell...

Laertus: can i just say i REALLY related to Little Edie's plight. we all go through this in life, some of the friends in the group a little more pronounced than others. that ineffable feeling of dread, doom stirring lining your stomach, that you MISSED OUT ON LIFE, that you lost your dreams, that you missed your callback, that you weren't able to take the chance at those very specific opportunities in your timeline that could have turned your life around. 

Little Edie: in life we each get FIVE moments, five chances, 5 forks in the road, and our life is determined by what we do at those exact moments, the hard decisions, do we go off to Paris or just read about Paris? actually draw the cartoon in the newspaper? i mean i coulda been a princess, a countess, not what i became. i never wanted to be a recluse, i didn't know what a recluse was for fuck sake! 

Dirg: it's a person man or woman who fucks Robert Frost...

Little Edie: I COULDA HAD ROBERT FROST!!! coulda become his concubine! 

Big Edie: HELL NAW! that man had cold hands, i don't trust a man with cold hands! no man's taking my little Edie away from me leaving me alone in this big cavernous haunted house!!! 

Little Edie: but mother dear, if you're alone you can get old-people naked all you want!...

Big Edie: Bobby Frost, that man was so cultured he coulda led you away into the whisk and i would have never seen you again! he would have taken you into the woods! not to kidnap you, you would have literally lived on a bed of orange leaves your whole life...

Little Edie: better than the bed we had...i coulda had a life!!!...but now my mind is mush!!!

Little Edie: oh mother! you burrowed in my fragile brain since early on when i was little Little Edie not to trust men! men just use women you said. and now i have no head...

Doryce: we LOVE these two, too!!! they're just like us! 

Gladyce: we confess, we stole all our style from you two! subconsciously of course. witches have very active subconsciences...

Madame Pons: what makes this movie is the SCARVES!!! 

Eye Luggage: so ornate, so '20s, so Harvard, so bejeweled, so genie!

Dirg: were you hiding your bald head under that headscarf, Lil Edie?...

Little Edie: well obviously not, i mean look at my butt! my big beautiful bulbous bodacious ba-dow badunkadunk butt! swinging swiveling side to side when i moved up staircases like the last car in a train. i had a fifth pocket in my pants but no one ever noticed it...

Big Edie: no wonder we never knew the time at Grey Gardens, that fifth pocket is for your pocketwatch!...

Little Edie, adjusting her headscarf: you want a tour of the place? i just added this house to Million Dollar Listing. go on, make fun of our home all you want to your little sailing heart's content, i've heard them all: it's the Munsters house, it's if the song "Camptown Races" was a house...

camera crew: whatever you want, dear, just turn around and go into those bushes...

Little Edie: the Treaty of Versailles, that is the cause of all the world's sadness. of all my sadness, it all stems from that treaty... 

Gladyce: my shoulder is hurting now from cutting this Smith Island cake into perfect wedding wedges for a wedding that will never happen, Reynolds Wrap-ping it into a silver tennis ball and stuffing it in the fridge downstairs in the scary Grey Gardens basement. i tried to push it in...

Doryce: push harder, dear...

Federer: i've pushed it as hard as it can go...looks like i'm just a Silver medalist for life...

Gladyce: i tried to push the cake into the fridge but it's full...with raccoons...

Ranger Rick: i'm sorry for all the pain me and all the Scoutmasters in the world caused to all these young boys, you get traumatized when you live with these women...

Gladyce: lot of soup in this fridge but it's all frozen so it's useless...

Little Edie: we finally let Smokey the Bear go...unchained him from the fridge, i let him loose in our front yahd (yard) which is 500 acres of unspoilt natureland of grass woods all to itself---an island of grass you put in little baggies and store in your fifth pocket like a third eye under your headscarf---...but only if Smokey promised never to say who caused the fire that let the stupid cops inspect our home and condemn it both meanings and almost homelessed us...

Big Edie: Smokey was cool...we shared a smoke and he put it out in our front yard, no fire was caused cos that grass is impossible...those stalks and blades of grass have never been cut, they grow so high they become high bamboo, people have died trying to cut it, an entire lost season of Little House on the Prairie was filmed there, the only place left on Earth where wild pink sugarfruit still grows...

Little Edie: i know about watermelon sugar, i keep up with all the trends in music, i have all the LPs i play on my gilded gold ricola musicbox, AND HE AIN'T GETTIN IT!!! of course Smokey was YOUR friend, you never let me have MY friends over...

Little Edie: Selma Blair wears my headscarves now, she and Arthur are the new us.

Big Edie: so some good came from all this...

Little Edie: if we did this now, i know who'd do the music...

Trent Reznor: please...

Little Edie: i know who'd play the Marble Faun...

Dirg: Jimmy Fallon?

Little Edie: no, idiot. Anton Yelchin of course...

Mardith: if i may...Harry Styles would make a great Marble Faun for the reboot...

Disney: cease and desist at once. Marble Faun, copyright Disney: Bambi, Sword In The Stone...

Dirg: yeah that whole Hawthorne thing...kinda sexist, ya know? men can understand literature, too, it's not just a chick-lit thing...

Little Edie: yeah but Marble Faun was a painter, he was my paintboy...i didn't trust that black man cutting down our frontyard bamboo, not racist, i genuinely cared for him, thought he would get lost in there...

Tyzik: like Dawn Wells...

Laertus: okay let's start...oh, Big Edie, you have SUCH a cute smile! your teeth are adorable! you are adorable...when you smile...

cat familiars: um, just a life hack: if you don't want cat holes in your property turning it into a shack, maybe don't feed us dog food...

Laertus: now see THIS is the patriotism i strive for! THIS is the flag-waving that's good. waving around a flag after down Gone With the Wind stairs dancing alone in a Broadway leotard to the music in your head trying to recapture a cabaret career long ago lost, long ago Hollywood has moved on...

Spalding Gray: hey is there any cabernet down in that cellar? you did the right thing, Edie, you didn't read the newspaper reviews of your comeback cos they were shielded from you by staff...

Little Edie: i coulda had it all...i coulda been a contender...i coulda had many many monied men of all mannerisms fawn over me...but what good is losing the kingdom of God to gain the whole world? but...yeah...it was a miserable life of untapped potential...wish i had gotten tapped more...i came from God and to God i went and returned when i died...

Cotard: wait, there's a God? mom?

Little Edie: yeah, it was Fuerza. nice sharp shiny elbows on that broad...

Codrus: damn. at least you were buried on the property, but they really should have turned Grey Gardens into a President Bump golf course...sponsored by President Pepsodent...

Little Edie: condemn my home and YOU sir are condemned!!!

Laertus: yeah you clung to your Roman Catholicism fiercely like a fruitfly to a vaccine arm, i admire that. 

Little Edie: really it was just that strong voice that came from the Jimmy Swaggart pastor on that tiny pink record i kept. those grooves on that record were groovy!

Eye: oh i LOVE your accent! the Masshole accent, so pronounced! so labored, so heavy, so dense! i love when you say the word literature...

Little Edie: thank you.

Eye: your accent is so...so...New England Brady breeze!...

Little Edie: i heard Tom Brady is single...

Eye: those two mystery guests at the birthday party, that was interesting, you two weren't TOTALLY alone the whole time, who were they exactly?

Little Edie: just some extras on set. they were unpolished but we just needed them to say a few lines to sand over the project's rough edges...

Little Edie: it was so sad. i mockingly wished my mother long life with my toast, but she actually dies a year after this came out, Philip-K-Dick-style...

Little Edie: you know despite what anyone in the papers said, i hate my mother for destroying my life and any chance at happiness i had, but i love her DEARLY more...

Big Edie: thank you.

Big Edie: you had such a sweet sharp-elbow voice, my daughter, if only you had learned to shut up once in a while and used that voice for singing, you would have made something of yourself... 

Dirg: you also get out of the house to do some Great Gatsby sea-swimming! lovely! very R.E.M.! they just let you swim in the ocean without a permit? all alone with the fishes? you know i'm with you on the New York City thing, but i've learned New York State is worse...

Eye: loved your magnifying glass to read, girl, so much hipper than glasses. all you needed was a Libra man!

Dirg: yeah but hold up, you're hardcore RC, right? 

Little Edie: all we had on set was TaB...

Dirg: Roman Catholic. you looked up to priests, both meanings. so girl why you dabblin' in the dark arts of Horoscope!

Big Edie: you don't know what you don't know. at that age you don't know what you want, where you want to go, who you want to marry, you didn't WANT to go to that birthday party! at that time! NOW you do and regret that you didn't!

Billy Corgan: tell me about it...wrote a song about it...

Dirg: this was great. really. i learned a lot. but it coulda been better, there really needed to be a sex scene to put it over the top into Congress classic. preserved for posterity...

Little Edie: ...for my posterior...

Eye: it should have gone down like this:

Little Edie: was that the delivery man, mother? we invented GrubHub!

Big Edie: no, just Tim Heidecker. 

Little Edie: were we named after Marge's family on The Simpsons?

Big Edie: well you certainly have the hair for it, that's why you wear those headscarves. no we're named after veal, what we used to eat when we were still high-socialite influencers who went to glitzy New Year's Eve parties in penthouse suites.

Dirg: high socialist...

Little Edie: okay, ma, don't mind us, we'll be fucking in the same bed you sleep in, but you'll be asleep as well as the cats on the bed...

Big Edie: who would want sex with an old woman like you? an old batty woman to boot with a booty

Marble Faun: i close my eyes and imagine her when she was a young Kennedy with connections...

Little Edie: it would have been better for BOTH Jack Kennedy and i if Jack never made Presidency, if he never became President. i always wanted to fuck a doctor...

Dirg: i'll take it from here, i'll do the money shot:

Marble Faun: oh fuck, i'm fucking your butt, Edie, it's gonna take days...

Marble Faun: i'm gonna cum! EDIE, STOP TALKING FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE!!! STOP CONTINUOUSLY TALKING WITHOUT STOPPING!!! SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH SO I CAN CUM IN IT!!!

Big Edie: what lipstick you use, woman? Edie, what is that lipstick, you have awkwardly-lipsticked lips, they're not smeared but they act like they're smeared...

Little Edie: i coulda married Willie Nelson...he was strumming for Jimmy Carter when he came up to visit me here...

Dirg: dodged the bullet on that one, girl...i think you mean Jimmy Crater...you kinda LOOK like Willie Nelson now, Lil Edie. g'night, folks...

Pat is at Thailand where nowhere to be found are any rope bridges...

he throws the crate of toothpaste in the raging river...to serve as a boat to guide him around the place...he sells his phone for information from a hiking guide with local-knowledge tips...

Pat: i'll be honest, i was expecting a woman with blue hair, not a man...

guide: the reason you don't see the bridge in the fog is cos it's invisible. you must step away from the cliff of THAT mountain over there through the jungle. THAT's the one, you won't be able to see a thing, you are just gonna have to take a leap of faith and hope your feet touch the ropes of the bridge when you step into thin air...

Pat climbs the mountain using the singing trees...

Pat: all i see here is a sea of gray, too thick to swim in. 

Pat takes the step. and another step. and soon he is levitating like a circus performer flying in a straight invisible line across the gray chasm.

after an hour his hand waving around touches Galivant's butt, she's been sleeping on her stomach on the rope bridge...

Pat: hi. well, i'm here. but we can never document this moment to Instagram. the moment is lost forever...

Galivant: oh no my friend, the moment is FOUND. it was experienced by just you and i in this time. you and me, that's it, that's who. did you experience it? did you feel the rough rope? hear the nothing? see it? breathe in the fog? you're learning, Pat, YOU'RE FINALLY LEARNING!  

TMIT: DID WE MAKE IT? DID WE SURVIVE? IS IT REALLY THE LAST WEEK?

1. what is the dumbest thing you are reading and writing right now? (uh-huh, i know what you're thinking...:P)

my conservative friend is tugging on my shirttail right now and BEGGING me to say The Fountainhead...

there is no dumb reading. if you're reading you're winning life. from the gold Zelda booklet to a manual on how to install an IKEA faucet without bolts, to Malcolm Gladstone's take on DuckTales to The Idiot by Dostoevsky.........i mean maybe a biography of Charlie Sheen or something...

my writing is an acquired taste, you basically have to be crazy to enjoy it...

2. if you were to start your own country who would sing your national anthem? Rosanne Barr. but only after she is given her show back and changes the ending of the original from a dream to a mental-institution thing...

3. if you were to be eaten by an animal of your choice (and you will die), what animal will eat you? why?

Robert Pattinson. cos he needs the work

definitely the baleen whale from Pinocchio. cos that would FEEL SO GOOD!!! as you're sliding down the slippery black hole to eternity you get tickled on all sides of your body by the biggest toothbrush in the universe!

4. what word makes you smile? Olympics

5. what word makes you cringe? content. as in internet content...

BONUS: will you board the love train?

no, i'm not qualified for that. for many years the only train that would take me was The Polar Express but it only came around when the tracks were frozen so it never moved. then one day the Infinity Train picked me up, saved my life, and i've been living that reality ever since...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

 

EAT JO FIRESTONE'S COOKIE

 

notes:

* hey it's Christmas-themed it's Christmas-themed!

* Cookie Monster: is there a reason i'm being called out two times this week?...

* Jo Firestone: this is not a commentary on this generation's hopelessness when it comes to making friends. making friends is hard in any generation...

* Jo: i mean look at me, i'm adorkable! how can you not want to be friends with me? look at how i scrunch my mouth, i'm like a cute living Muppet...

* Jo: very easy to do this skit during covid, everyone stayed six feet away from me cos everyone hated me...

* Jo: really i just wanted someone to go into that Pic N Save and buy me a coat...

* Jo: and just think, if i had had an electric car i would have made NO friends in 10 years...but that's the electric car's fault, not my personality...

Dirg: the electric car IS your personality...

* Jo: cream buster, don't blame us, this is what happens when we can't use the real cookies names...

Breaking Bad reject: don't interrupt me, i'm still eating.........

* Patty Hearst wannabe: you want to borrow me? look at this beret on top of my head, i know the deal......it was an issue on Seinfeld the black-and-white cookie...

Jo: are you saying i will never be as funny nor ever have the career Seinfeld had?...

* i'm fat, i'm black, i'm a video-game nerd, but i'm not THAT guy...

* Andre Back Nerd: i am not sponsored by Discworld. so this one squeaks, that can't be right. it's easier to make friends if you're a nerd. 

Jo: have any non-nerd friends?...

Jo: ...

Jo: ...you were supposed to say me...

* Jo: before we start, you're a hot blonde but really i want your stylish sneakers.

'80s Madonna wannabe: see me dancing? we're so two valley girls at a sleepover with a corded pink phone on the bed...

* Sopranos reject: girl you fire.

Jo: my stepdad had a better line than that...

Sopranos reject: i never noticed a woman's eyes before...

Jo: at least you didn't say nose...

* Jo: dedicating all chocolate chip cookies form now on to our clever scientists and brave frontline medical warriors in blue in the field, the Queen's Royal EMS...

* Bibi: i used to be Ingmar Bergman's muse...

* Jo: wet or dry?

Bibi: wry...

* Koji: i'm on the wrong special...where's the Australian Asian guy?...why is wedding a type of soup?...i play for the Jacksonville Jaguars, i'm not kidding...

* Federline wannabe: Chase Palmer did E.T. and The Black Hole...the good Black Hole, the one Bakshi did...i can only get you a tank if it's at a used-car dealership...

* Sopranos: i'm friends with everybody at the handball court cos there aren't many people in the world who play handball...

* beret: i fought with the Facebook guerrilla sandistas sandies-cookies in Nicaragua...

* Jo's own grandma: now i can hear bras being snapped!!!...

* Jo: does it make you feel just that little bit more guilty that i'm getting the 50 dollars out of my own wallet which is VELCRO!!!...

* Jo: why are you laughing?

Sopranos: life's a joke.

* Jo's grandma: with whom? you? whatever, it's not like you're family or anything...

* Unabomer's brother: i'll take the cash, fig newtons is the government.

Jo: do you have a 10?

Unabomer's brother: just give me the 60.

Jo: do you at least like my boots?

Unabomer's brother: no.

Jo: i have no more money left...

Unabomer's brother: that's my velcro wallet...

* Phoenix: without sadness there would be no scripts...

* blonde: good things will come your way, girl.

Jo: ...only if i have your teeth...

* this episode brought to you by the letter M...

* the ending music: same ending music om that episode when Evel Knievel after coming from Battle of the Network Stars played Wonder Woman but couldn't beat Charlie's Angels so he went back substitute-teaching on Welcome Back, Kotter...

* George Lucas: i wanted to be known for American Graffiti, not Star Wars...

* i hate to do this to you, i hate disappointing you like this, but everyone in this was an actor...

* Joe Pera: i've been patient. i've waited. i'm shy. but when am i finally gonna see the tits?

Jo: when i'm done writing Season 3...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies

TODAY: cooking the Christmas ham in the Ninja Foodi...scared to death...of burning it...of undercooking it, also known as rawing it...NEVER ADD GLAZE TO A HAM!!! IT JUST RUINS IT!!!...

PROPER PAT: BEA BOX

Galivant: do you know what you want for Christmas this year, pip?

Pat: that's Pip! i mean Pat! i mean Pippin! just treat me like an adult, mom!!!

Galivant: but you're just a teenager.

Pat: how can i show you i've matured? that i'm a man now, mom. that i'm ready for adult sex not teenage sex! teenage sex is stupid!

Galivant: r-e-l-a-x, pet. it's the holidays, the least-stressful time of year. when you're supposed to not care how much time you have and waste the day peeing hot cocoa in the snow to make snow angels from hell. is there anything you fancy which will calm you?

Pat: a couple video games coming out which haven't been created yet like Call of Cthulhu...

Galivant: the video game might not have been invented yet but Cthulhu sure has! in fact Cthulhu is more real NOW than in the future cos he's more pure and original now in these times, truer to the inventor-god's vision.

Pat: i wanna read a book...i wanna write a book...but it's too big for me...but i have big ideas...but i don't know where to start...

Galivant: write what you know.........but that requires a key into your innermost workings...

Dirg: when's the Christmas party! i'm ready! i'm all dressed up with nowhere to go cos of quarantine! what video games are we playing?

Takahashi: what are you up for?

Dirg: Call of Cthulhu, it hits. it hits like a golf course at night...

Laertus: at least we've weaned you off the history-alternativeizing Call of Duty junk...

Cotard: you'll know we're back to normal when junk mail returns sent and Salad Toppins are back on shelves...

Mardith: *scrolling* i dunno...i'm happy for her...she posts a pic of their first date by the ferris wheel and then their one-year anniversary by some red socks catching fire by a brick wall. she says she knows 2020 has been a hard year for everybody but she LOVES 2020! for HER it was the best year! cos she met her boyfriend in 2020! quarantine was a breeze! sweetie stuff is too sickly sweet for me...

Madame Pons: don't worry, chick, you'll meet your hen...

Dirg enters completely naked save for a Christmas stocking coming out of his butt...

Dirg: i'm ready for the Great Conjunction...

Mardith: that's not a code word for sex, we're not having sex! i get it, i see all these Instagram-official couples and i get it: you ALWAYS fall in love with your yoga instructor, how can you not! 

Dirg: i've been disappointed, most of mine were dogs, not downward dogs...

Pons: that's a big tchibum on your yoga-pantsed bum, you bum!

Mardith: maybe after graduation i could work at the Patchogue Theatre as a chiropractor who uses needles...

Pons: start with cracking Dirg's neck!

Doryce: *happily* did you see the rain this week? that settles it, i'm not showering this week!!!...

Codrus: ladies and gentlemen and aliens, the Gift Exchange and the Office Christmas Party and the Secret Santa have all been moved to zoom this week to one location at one specific time cos Santa is dead...

Doryce gifts Boc a Nebia By Moen rainfall showerhead...

Doryce: guaranteed to make you moan. don't be a nebbish...

Gladyce: oooh that model comes with a mister! that mist is so refreshing, so invigorating, i feel like i'm inside the caldera of a Hawaiian volcano again! the red box! perfect for those hard-to-reach areas of a woman's body...

Doryce: i need a mister...

at The Weather Channel...

Jim Cantore: *rapping him on the back* THAT'S POSTEL'S BUN IN COLLEEN COYLE'S OVEN!!! congrats, man, didn't think you had it in you, i thought you were a nerd. did you do the deed? or was your sperm delivered to her via Postmates?

Greg Postel: i've never touched a computer in my life...

Colleen Coyle: i just saw a woman post-office-worker shoveling snow and smiling...what? that's impossible!... 

Takahashi gifts Dirg a Vertuo for Christmas...

Dirg: what are you telling me with this gift, "friend"? that i need to be more like George Clooney's competition? that i need to star in my own Working Girl flowbee scene? that i need to relax more?...

Takahashi: love you, bud, but the bigger blacker model of Ninja Foodi was too expensive, that Ninja Foodi is a monster it's so huge!...

Eye Luggage: monster-sized, very goth...

Dirg: the black cock as my black box, i know thee all too well. all my life. that's been my experience...

Rubikon splashes hot coffee on Dirg's face. Dirg is too dead to feel anything anymore...

Rubikon: want me to teach you rap, honky!

Dirg: sure.

Rubikon raps Dirg on the head...

Tyzik is on a date with Andrew McCarthy...

Tyzik: i have the perfect job for you, Andy.

Andrew McCarthy: so THIS is what all THIS was about?

Tyzik: Dylan Lewis, his sculpture gardens are to die for. this could be your final job!...

Michael Weiss in a Mrs.-Claus santa hat: whatever cool thing you did on Instagram, whatever technique or ability you're showcasing on there, whatever animal you're showing you have on your farm in the Hollywood Hills, your awesome alpaca, it's but a moment, and the next day that moment is gone.........what are you gonna do for your Instagram Stories TODAY!!!...

The Grinch speaking in Michael Weiss's voice: how do we accommodate for everybody in Hollywood?! billions and billions of damn actors and actresses all need jobs!!! where are they coming from! are there enough scripts? what are they all gonna do?!!

Gladyce gifts Doryce a Rollerbones skating sample...

Gladyce: everything you want: skateboards, roller skates, collapsible local So-Cal skating rinks, Nu Shooz "I Can't Wait"...

Doryce: love you for life, dear, but i wanted to jump some bones, not jump over them...

Cotard gifts Codrus a zero-gravity chair but it only works in outer space...

Cotard: Merry Christmas, ya filthy spirit animal!

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Charles M Schulz: call me Sparky. the star of Risky Business was the Little Red-Haired Girl...

Heather Wold: i have a name you know. my name is up here! i'm All-World! i am not a Woolsworth heiress, i have hair, i made my money on my own! selling lemonade when Chuck Brown sold advice! my hair isn't red, it has mold from years of not showering it cos i didn't have the time, i was the moneymaker in my family!

Charlie Brown: i feel so bad about myself. i earn money being an influencer...

Eye: Monster in a Box and go...

Spalding Gray: FOOLED YA! I'M ALIVE!!! I'VE BEEN ALIVE THIS WHOLE TIME IN HIDING!!! i snuck under the wave. that's what we creative types do, we like to keep our audiences on their toes. i haven't been seen cos i've had writer's block and was too embarrassed to tell my therapist...

Eye: a PLEASURE to have you join the podcast, sir!!! HUGE fan!!!

Spalding: what's a podcast?...

Laertus: it's this thing everyone does now to pretend they're you...

Spalding: oy. everyone thinks i'm Jewish cos i'm from New York but i'm actually a WASP. not a murder hornet, don't be scared of me. though i may drone on. tell me, do i look better with the long curly gray locks of hair or the short haircut with the salt-and-pepper? i tell ya, i still remember Opening Night for this filmed monologue. NO ONE THERE, not even the papas. the Red Carpet was green from mold. at least i still had Renee as my arm candy for that premiere...she left me soon after tho...

Dirg: a good woman with the Jewish milkers, i see you, Spald. as you monologue yourself, you got to experience her complete and buck naked in your bed without sheets, so that was something to live for...

Spalding: Renee leaving me coincided and contributed more to my sadness and me feeling bad about myself...

Laertus: sure. but also your solipsism...

Spalding: before i start talking awhile...i always confuse Noam Chomsky and Kurt Vonnegut. neither of them wanted to do a movie with me, so i made them better characters in my monologues bitching about them than they were as real people...

Cookie Monster: yeah but why did you not ever invite me? i can be cultured, too...i can eat jelly donuts...

Lawrence O'Donnell: *eating popcorn* i'm just sitting here at my desk watching all this, i'm fascinated by people who are only concerned with what celebrities have to say on every subject...

Lawrence O'Donnell: i didn't want to be Lawrence O'Donnell, i wanted to be Jon Stewart...

Laertus: i do love this monologue...

Spalding: me, too. oooh, this was back when HBO was still good and independent and niche and dangerous and not all-encompassing and flat like Max is.  

Pons: that opening music is haunting, like a Twilight Zone sound-mixed with a Red Shoe Diary...

Spalding: it's the tomtoms with the HBO theremin...

Tom Cruise: THE DRUMS!!!

Grey Gardens: the monk life. everybody should try it once, not just writers...

Spalding: you'll go crazy writing alone. that's why you need people.........as subjects for your writing. my assistant as you can tell created OK KO later for the network......the Cartoon Network. oh how i miss my three-tequila lunches in L.A....

Dirg: somehow farting is more dignified when it's done on stage in a theatre...

Spalding: the retractable Doc Oc arms were spitballed invented and idea-focus-grouped in that very fish tank. but not Aquaman for many MANY years. an idea is worth plenty of fish in the sea...

Dirg: thank you for this, Spalding, you're showing us how socialism just doesn't work. you'll just end up in a shack drinking ranch with mothers of aggrieved soldiers aggrieved cos they died.

Spalding: they finally diagnosed me as a mental patient when i tried to be a psychiatrist...

Dirg: those Berkeley Rhetoric majors get ya every time...

Laertus: hey Dirg, don't confuse the two: a visit to the ancient mystical three-headed Ganges River is NOT the same as bathing with aliens...with aliens in outer space in the sea of stars...

Dirg: i have an excuse! i'm not fat, i have another being living inside me! 

Laertus: Dirg, AIDS is caused by a spider, it's a spiderbite, this is Spider-Man in real life, it ain't pretty, nothing to do with a Broadway show. take it ALL back, every LAST nasty comment you ever made under your breath about gay people...

Eye: it's my dream to turn around in a movie theatre and have Cher staring back at me...

Dirg: i liked Cher better when she was Cybill Shepherd...

Mel Gibson: barking like a dog in public is nothing to see a suicide-hotline about, it means you're a genius like Mozart...

Dirg: The Shivering Truth called, it wants its script back...

Dirg: oh! you had your psychiatrist sessions in the Sherman Oaks Galleria where they filmed Wonder Woman 1984!...

Laertus: back when you had to buy a pen and a haircut to use the bathroom...

Eye: Freud was a Christian Scientist! God is a Communist! my grandma had Metrecal. my mom had Weight Watchers tv dinners, at least granny could still drink...

Dirg: if i ever went to Russia in those times the first person i'd visit would be that woman from 1984 where it was filmed, she's the kind of woman that's a dying breed: had six kids, still exercised everyday her calisthenics to tone up those arm muscles of hers, doesn't question the People In Power. an Annie Lennox type, with her '80s electronica playing in the background. sad, you were such a good actor, you were so good at faking the vodka with the Coca Cola drinking under the table with the little bottles that you got away with it, if you had been a badder actor you would have gotten caught and you would have been saved from your alcoholism...

Spalding: that's worse. what's worse, me or your grammar? they're a dying breed cos they all died under that regime...

Laertus: what does Fozzie teach us: when you're in Hell, keep walking to avoid the tomatoes being thrown at you...

Eye: and waka-walking. waka waka will ALWAYS be funny...

Takahashi: ...just ask wikipedia...

Laertus: whoa. that woman with the camera in her pants strolling Moscow was the first lifecaster!

Spalding: i signed my first writing contract with a crayon...

Don Knotts fish: i signed mine with cataracts...

Mardith: just gonna say it, Spalding you got great legs!

Pons: you should get out from under that table more often, babe.

Spalding: David Letterman licked my legs, that's why they have no hair. the reason i couldn't ask Reagan for help was i couldn't moonwalk...

Dirg: *slapping Spalding's back* don't worry, bud, Australian tits sag down under. you should know, right? talk more about when you were a porn star. please come back to porn!

Dirg: i knew it! all women are reptiles! NEVER read your reviews! especially your New York Times reviews!!!

Laertus: you know i remember this, i remember seeing this scene from before when i was a kid naughtily checking out unpaid-for free HBO cable: when you see the kid vomit during your Our Town...

Joe Rogan: we all wait for the eternal part of ourselves...some eternals are bigger than other eternals...

Eye: don't worry, Spald, it's not that you were bad, you just wore that Mister Rogers sweater that rubs everybody the wrong way, all those critics trying to be tough people who are not nice, who wear red in the snow...

Garrison Keillor: i've never looked at the back of a corn again...i keep the green skin on the corn when i eat it...

Spalding: see, this is how we monologists pull one over on our adoring audiences: we have our cake and eat it, too, because we play ALL the parts. we can have a dialogue in our monologue, we simply have to have two different voices doing the scene. by the way, The Monster---those 1000 pages of a book of a manuscript i wrote and carried around with me like a lead balloon chained to my conscience, like a bad rough draft that never quit analyzing me---The Monster isn't just a prop in THIS documentary film movie monologue first performed live on stage...The Monster is an ACTUAL book that exists IN REAL LIFE: a book called Impossible Vacation...and it's only 200 pages long...

Pons: yes, to my surprise i found it at Thunderbird Bookshoppe. next to the tragic tale of Yvonne De Carlo... 

Spalding: The Monster is a metaphor...for the future...it represents all those bulky packages Amazon will never be able to deliver...

Dirg: i gotta say, bud, Spald, spud, you really made me hate the beach after this...

Dirg: maybe if your mom had more familiarity in the garage...it wouldn't have been that scary for her...  

Dirg: Spalding, let's end on a high note, something that is especially relevant at this time in this Christmas season: why did you kill yourself? g'night, folks...

Mardith wears her new canvas shoes to the Christmas party. Dirg and Laertus are already naked and running around the lawn ruckusing and roughhousing like roused Southern boys in mud, playing all the parts of their live recreation of the Star Wars Holiday Special...  

Dirg: but i want to play Bea Arthur!!!

Laertus: no I want to play Bea Arthur!!!

some standalone pivot lights in the front yard act as planetary stars...

Gordon Ramsay: i am NOT cooking for this!...

Laertus rubs his stomach:

Laertus: oh wow! i never noticed this before! i got a potbelly! when did this happen! but i do 20 stomach-crunches a night! more to prepare for this ultimate cosplay! how do skinny boys get potbellies as men?

Eye: *joking* who do you think you are, Frank Sinatra?

Bea Arthur: i fucked Frank Sinatra. i heard him singing in the shower one night at his typical cheap-date motel, so i suddenly peeled back the curtain Psycho-style. i saw it all! he was so skinny he was practicing by using his cock as his microphone, he sang into his glans...

Galivant gifts Pat the first key hanging where the topstar should be on the tree. Pat uses it to crash his car into the bowling alley where he works, the first bowling alley that ever existed. Galivant gives Pat the second key which Pat uses to destroy the little apartment they had above the school with an ill-timed balloon from the sky. another key forces Pat to make a choice: have a pint or save Assumpta from getting her hands on the key to go downstairs to the bowels and have that horribly unexpected pub short-circuit which happened just a block from here. Pat was thirsty that day...

Galivant: have you been drinking?

Pat: just The Fountain water...

Pat is given the final key, the franchise key: he ruins the Browns organization for generations to come with it cos he's not good on camera for the commercials which were his insurance...

at Galivant's aunt's house her aunt from the Old Country, there's one tree left:

Galivant: look at this Christmas tree.

Pat: no! i don't want to see your vagina again!!!

Galivant: it's okay.

Galivant transforms into a beaver who eats the entire tree...

Galivant: the only key that matters is inside you now...

Pat: i don't feel anything anymore.

Galivant: perfect! NOW you're a writer! you swallowed the final final key.

Pat: i don't remember eating something so grand...

Galivant: YOU ate the key, only you. now anon! get to work!...

TMIT: I WANT A PHARRELL HAT

 

i'm not feeling too good. i forgot to feel...

1. what's your best excuse to get out of an invitation?

i tell them i forgot my hat......not my Santa hat, my Pharrell hat. that's the only way i can get happy again, by listening to the song "Happy". do you know how much of a bummer it is to have a sad sack like me at your Christmas office party drinking all the peppermint schnapps and hanging on the chandelier made of fuzzy caterpillary holiday streamers? so much so i chased away Debbie Downer herself:

me: hi.

Debbie Downer: i can't stay, i'm getting the vaccine...

2. when was the last time you ended a relationship of any kind? what was the nature of the relationship?

i had to end it with my pet monkey Samuel. he was looking at me funny. it went down like this:

me: Samuel, did you eat my cantaloupe again?

Samuel: i used it for something else...

me: this isn't working out, Samuel. we both live in this apartment and we both like Sublime. you're my best friend but when you look at me you send your monkey wavelengths into my brain and start reading my mind...

Samuel places his foot-that-looks-like-a-hand on my shoulder.

Samuel: i don't need to be a mindreader to know you're worried about Karen.

me: i just don't want her going to Costco...

3. tell us about a phone call or email that you needed to make but were apprehensive to do? did you ever make the call or send the email?

the "it's not working out" text. one time i needed to fire my boss, that was not pretty. another time i had to end it with my first love. but i promised the Lost polar bears i would save the REAL polar bears in the wild. 

the worst is when you're about to send it and end it after the 69th rewrite and she texts back that it's unfair to me to continue being her kept boy and she's met someone whilst strolling New York City named Mark but his friends call him Chandler who doesn't take himself too seriously...

4. tell us one or two things you do daily as self-care:

NEVER go to Salinas again...

LUSH bath bombs. there's a war going on in my head...

write Christmas cards to myself...

climb Mont Blanc......by sniffing Mont Blanc perfume up my nose...

5. what are you looking forward to in the holiday season or the coming new year?

starring in a Lifetime Christmas movie.........wait, don't they film those in summer? in Canada? i couldn't travel! i'm going to wear a mask the rest of my life...

BONUS: in which situations do you wish you could throw down a smoke bomb and disappear?

* magician conference in Vegas...

* when Jessica Rabbit shows me backstage...

* comic con, defeating the purpose cos i'd already be an anime superhero...

* when they run out of bath bombs...

* when i see Smoke from Mortal Kombat or Snoke getting up...

* when i see the NO SMOKING sign...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

 

ASIAN AUSTRALIAN AWESOMENESS

 

notes:

* thank you, adult swim, this is all thanks to YOLO: Crystal Fantasy

* Socrates would have been a good interviewer if he had had a mic

* SPOILERS: this is about mics. this isn't really about interviewing...

* would have been cooler if he wasn't riding bitch...

* only eat watermelon lip gloss. Hair Magazine is just for men. positive blood type does not indicate positive personality. you may come to this beach everyday cos you're the janitor...

* the throwing away of the microphone in the trash is his schtick, but he's also recycling and being a conscious steward of the earth

* vanilla, not ivory

* later, Gordon Ramsay will show you how he makes his famous mac n cheese while feeding his cat and his wife at the same time...

* see, he's courteous, his shaggy hair was to make his interviewee dog more comfortable...

* what's something you would never say?

that really is brilliant...

* grocery-store workers get tattoos to avoid the long lines for scans...

* sprog: Doctor Who villain...

* Trunks had a ponytail, but that wasn't real hair...

* Aaron: btw, is that oatmeal-in-a-cup boysenberry? hey you're the nerd from Big Bang Theory!!! 

* i'm more looking at dudes who have ponytails to see if the chicks who have ponytails are being guarded...

* she doesn't speak English...she speaks Australian...

* i don't believe in body consciousness, it;s a con. i'm speaking to you right now from my life coach's pen...

* the truth matters...my truth...

* Doryce: this is not the interview i was expecting...i was expecting us to fuck then fall in love...and then i'd become tv-famous off this interview and leave you...

* Aaron Chen: would you believe me if i told you i am a cop...

* no he was telling the truth, he honestly doesn't remember

* you're so hot you should be one of those ASMR models...

* Aaron looking like Gandhi at the Ganges...

* i was walking in fields of gold...

* babe: i watch Tom and Jerry...

Aaron: what's your favorite line?

babe: the angel heaven line...oh you mean from the cartoon...when Tom yells...

Aaron: like what you'll do when i look at your ass...

* Aaron to Kill Bill chick: that's Uma Thurman's dog, isn't it? you stole Uma Thurman's dog. that dog is needed on the Princess Mononoke set...not you! we'll get another Princess Mononoke!...

* what's this about? always helicopters. wearing socks is not professional...wearing only socks...

* microphones made out of abandoned S&M tools...

* Aaron: i don't want show business anymore. i want to fish. i want to join a circus...

* Bruce Lee had that same dream. i had that same dream, except Meghan Markle was on the other end. this is unreleased footage of Breath of the Wild 2...there's an Air Colossus in the game that's just a helicopter...

* me: i'd do ANYTHING for bird flu right now...

Mike Tyson: same.

* Aaron: yeah yeah yeah well well well you're just a chad surfer who gets all the chicks. i bet you had ALL the mermaids from H2O: Just Add Water, huh? one of those mermaids was my sister! cos of you she wants legs again! 

* hey, ego-death is real. ego-death is the only way to be happy...no, seriously...

* Aaron: i wanted to be a priest...

* Aaron: have you ever been in a long-distance relationship?

guy: uh, yes. it was with you, Aaron, remember?

Aaron: oh yeah i forgot...

* Aaron: i'm pondering at this pond. this little girl is my sister...she wants to have mermaid legs again...oh audience! fooled ya! i actually AM an Olympic-level breakdancer heading to Tokyo 2021!...

* the microphone was the real star of this show...

* MC Aaron Chen, has a nice ring to it...

* Aaron: is that your horse? what's his name?

man: i'm a hippie so the horse has no name...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: TRIPLE TREAT BOX from Pizza Hut!!!!! two pizzas, breadsticks, and 

CINNABON!!!!!!!!!!

all in a giant Christmas-present box! a prezzie box!

one problem: Pizza Hut doesn't have any brick n mortar stores anymore...

PROPER PAT: BANQUET ON A BUN

Pat: i look around......the neighborhood, the market town...the rough areas, the Shoreditches of the world, where i grew up...and i can't but feel a sense of immense pride. not in being English. but in being me in England. this is where i'm from...

Galivant: i look around...what?...

Pat: i look around...mom. i sneak around all these corners with my one good eye and recognize all these places. all the Trafalgar triangles in the white cabins, the cobblestone on the siding, the chickenstoop silver on the cowbell ringing the church in. look! over there!

Galivant: where?

Pat: that sliver of an apartment in the corner. see the tiny aperture of a window by the stoop stairs? see the pumpkin through it? it's CARVED!

Galivant: of what?

Pat: doesn't matter. it's carved so it's Halloween. i've always wondered whether Halloween is celebrated in Britain. i always had a fuzzy image of Brits celebrating Halloween but thought it could have been fog-induced haze from the ceremonial steam coming out of the urns of daily Druids. i'm still not sure...

Pat: i do have one vivid memory. of Mini dressed as Marilyn Monroe, the iconic white dress.

Galivant: whore dress? so i guess that was Mini doing Halloween then?

the train goes by at a leisurely pace, as if walking, crisscrossing, the track cuts right down the center of the town, the tracks are the Main Street.

Pat: and over there...that's where i fucked Mini for the first time...she was wearing a Marilyn Monroe white dress...

Galivant: where exactly?

Pat: see that last train car? the caboose?...

Galivant: the one filled with hay, right...

Roger Federer: i did NOT steal money! or Swiss gold. i earned all my money fairly. by busting my butt out on that tennis court for what seems like forever, longer than Pete Sampras has been alive. i know the general public thinks tennis isn't a real sport, but......i NEVER cheated the fans! that would be cheating myself. and i couldn't live with that. okay so there was this one time. not money manipulation per se, not bet-fixing as such. but it was something. i filled all the Lindt chocolate balls i get free wrapped in wrappers there are too many of those silver wrappers all around my apartment i slipped on a pile of wrappers and balls and broke my knee permanently. Nadal was coming to town, this is MY town mind you, I HAD TO WIN. so i filled HIS Lindt chocolate ball with our world-famous Swiss fondue cheese instead, piping hot, melty, so as to burn Nadal's tongue so he would disqualify and i would finally win the Olympics...

Dirg gets Takahashi Vuori pants for Christmas...

Dirg: only the finest Italian leather Italian tailor Italian athleisure for my best friend well friend...

Celine: don't involve me in this...

Dirg: the softest fabric for men found on Earth or Mars...

Mardith: it's a new adventure everytime cleaning up after Dirg...all his caked-on crusted-over dirty dishes...

Madame Pons: girl you aren't doing anything dangerous to your body simply to please a man, right? we talked about this...

Mardith: i'm going on a water cleanse. water diet, water fast, gonna just drink water for a whole day to kickstart my body, energize it, clean it out and purify it...

Pons: that won't make you skinny, sis, that'll just make you hungry. and your body will go into shock.

Mardith: but it is a cleanse. this last week all i've drunk is Mountain Dew instead of Coke, it's lighter than Coke on the body...

Takahashi: good girl.

Pons: as long as you eat one waffle every hour. because what goes with waffles? milk, healthy. stay alive, Mard, i've got big plans for us next semester. i'm thinking we room together like sisters somewhere in the middle of the city but cottagecore like we're out in the countryside with no water or mail...

Dirg: Laertus, i got you Holiday Nut Crunch for Christmas...

Laertus: uh......thanks...not much to this, is it? the only difference is the cranberries...

Dirg: i heard Dolores used to love cranberries. Aussie Rachel? Aussie is her real first name. how's the script coming along, Lae?

Laertus: i need a covid wrangler or we can't shoot...

Dirg: lame.

Eye Luggage: *whispering to Laertus* that's not lame. you're fine, babe, you're fine. 

Dirg: is there a Banquet on a Bun around here?

Takahashi: just the McRib.

Dirg: i'll pass on the McRib this year.

Takahashi: is there something wrong with your head? did Santa drop you on your head and your elf hat wasn't pointy enough to cushion the fall?

Dirg: no it's just i don't eat a McRib without also eating a Holiday Pie...

the crones take this opportunity to visit Pat in Europe, near the Home Country. 

Gladyce: always up for a little holiday, dear.

Doryce: yeah but The Rough Bounds? i thought it would be a Druid thing, i always wanted to know what was under those robes. World's Strongest Man competition lifting those pointy rocks...

Gladyce: so turns out it was a Disney Bound thing but whatever...it's been a rough year for amusement parks...

Gladyce: the new liquid handsoap at our motel is like clear light maple syrup...

Codrus: just cos you have a blog don't make you a god. don't make you suddenly 10 times smarter about life cos you can type...

Michael Weiss in a Santa hat: everyone on Instagram has a private account with 3000 followers where there's a link to their movie they made which will "finally expose the truth":

it's gonna be the most important film that will determine the trajectory of the human race for the rest of its future...

Michael Weiss in an elf hat: only follow quality people on Instagram, only get mensch mentions...

Rebekie Bennington is on standby if there's any shortage of ink either for comic books or tattoos...

Rebekie: i know what Chester's next tattoo was gonna be...a dusty-ass cheetah...

Jim Cantore has a big-boy big-box fine-suit store in town that doesn't sell ties, and only shirts with no top button...

Jim Cantore: i am so exhausted with my life. constant traveling. where can i go to rest my big bald head on tits and get some thundersleep?...

Mardith: i post stuff and images on my Instagram to bait my crush into posting a comment...

Madame Pons: no, babe, your Instagram is for YOUR art...YOUR pleasure...

Takahashi: the signs and the buildings and the facades may change, but you'll always remember the roads...

Nan Wilkinson quaffs from a kop at the bar...

Doryce: i hate eating fast food! the strings of the burger get caught on my teeth!...

Takahashi: Dirg, give Doryce your McRib, no strings, just meat...

Dr. Vacc at the In N Out drivethru: there's a chip in the first vaccine dose to track you to remind you to get the second dose...

Dirg: i asked for fries not chips...

Takahashi at the garage:

Takahashi: i'm thinking of joining either Wikipedia or Jalopnik, what do you think?

Hilary Bettis in response breaks her nail fixing the brakepad without a helmet, breaks her pen but gets a quill instead. writing about it gets a quill for the top of the pen and marches on...

Teuila Blakely: last chance to make fun of my name...

Dr. K: *drinking tequila* you can't recapture the glory years of the past...

Milo Cawthorne: *drinking tequila* preach, sister...

Dirg: i knew that black bald dude was from RPM!... 

girl tech: it was sweet how this whole show ended. if only the whole show had been like the last five minutes. the black dude Red Ranger leader pulls a JoJo at the end there and becomes king on his throne while still young! and replaces his dad with the RPM dude! thought for a smidge sec the Japanese counterparts to our characters had taken over the show! it's bad enough being an actor on Power Rangers, imagine being an actor playing an actor on Power Rangers......it was sweet that Steel got to Pinocchio himself and be a real boy...but that's the thing, we knew he'd be human, but did anyone anticipate he'd actually be a BOY and not a MAN!? i mean did this boy do Steel's voice the whole time!?...if so, i want to date him when he gets older...is it really that great to be human?...

Vice President Mike Pence: *on camera* this looks too much like a Death Row walk...

Takahashi: the Fox Animation cartoons, none of them have characters who are wearing masks...

Dirg: Anna Stewart looks like Sarah Michelle Gellar...

Eye Luggage: oh yeah, well Sharon Darling looks like Nancy Grace...

Dirg: that bitch can fly on speed!...

Gladyce: the best part of Wolfgang Puck's chicken noodle soup is the chicken cream that rises to the top...

Doryce: his stuff is puckerific. puckers my lips wide open...

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Galivant: Pat, dunk your head into the Fountain......don't come up till you see the fish animating underwater...

Tyzik: hey guys, i've been dating Marcelle Karp...not really but i really admire her cos she's way out of my league...

Marcelle Karp joins in on the search for Don Knotts-fish. she wears a black pussyhat with a Ruth Bader Ginsburg button pinned to the felt as her scuba gear...

Eye Luggage: Risky Business and go...

Laertus: first of all...this is not what i expected...i didn't expect it to be about hookers...i thought the risky business in this case was what all '80s movies of this kind of this ilk at this time were about: yuppies making as much money as possible on Wall Street, the key to '80s happiness...

Dirg: no amount is too obscene. we're going through the ENTIRE Tom Cruise film catalogue...

Eye: or about football or something...

Laertus: and once again, this script is miles ahead of the rest. this film has been called underrated and i agree. it presents an intelligent teen sex comedy. it's about longing, the inadequacy of not living up to your parents' vision of you. the pressure on teenagers to succeed when all they want to do is have fun. this was the breakout role for young Mr. Cruise, the one that named him, say his name...

Dirg: Tom Cruise is an Everyman if i ever saw one...

Eye: this was so interesting to me. i went into this knowing of course the "Old Time Rock N Roll" scene, but it turns out that scene isn't the most memorable of the film, in fact it's quickly forgotten, the REAL MUSIC of this film is the FANTASTIC electronica score by Tangerine Dream! dreamy indeed! that's what stays with me with this film, the music, the music ELEVATES the material to the nth degree!

Laertus: real music for real love on real trains...

Dirg: old time rock n roll is dead nowadays, thanks to SNL not educating our youth about country music...

Madame Pons: agreed, the music here is superb, Tangerine Dream invented V A P O R W A V E, not the other way around, and tangerines are healthy for you. the soundtrack is out-of-this-world, spacey...

Mardith: Roald Dahl eat your heart out!!!.........cos you know James and the Giant Peach...i'm hungry...

Laertus: unfortunately we still have the transphobic scene in this, too. sadly of the times. this was still the Crocodile Dundee days. 

Dirg: i was surprised at the boldness, the audacity of that bathroom writing on the wall. i paused at those scenes to read them, all the stalls. there's a tits, there's a cum... 

Dirg: there's a whacking off when the boys are discussing their bikes like that gang from E.T.....

Dirg: Bronson Pinchot! speaking REGULAR AMERICAN! regular English! audiences were AGHAST HORRIFIED when they later saw this same Pinchot all-american rough rugged Bronson bull cowboy speaking in an upsetting strange foreigner accent... 

Laertus: Curtis Armstrong, this is his finest role to date. he never really got bigger than he did here. his life advice is on point: fuck it. then he did that Dan cartoon which was good but unfortunately The Hub network went flat and under and he never recovered from that. the cartoon got unceremoniously unfairly dropped and canceled and he's been ranting about that ever since on twitter...

Dirg: at least ol' Tom was wearing  a faceshield way before Dr. Vacc knew before the world about covid. see? he's justified in his outrage. 

Laertus: okay i just have to get this off my chest: the scene with Raphael Sbarge...

Dirg: i always think of a garbage man in his truck...

Laertus: ...with that redheaded girl. there's just something about that girl, her face is sweet and innocent and young and inexperienced. her curveless thin body has no gymnastics in it, it's fragile and untouched. she wears her hair short and tomboy.  you can tell she's a virgin and this is gonna be the first time with a stud in Tom Cruise's upstairs bedroom. when she sits on that big dick for the first time, her particular MOAN is the hottest sex moan i've ever heard! i've thought about it for days, forever......the fact that it's not shown just entices the scene and my senses more...entices my imagination...

Eye: wow Laertus, i've never seen you like this! it gets me hot. i'm sure this girl is of age now, want me to make a call and see if she's up for a threesome?...

Eye: i'd dye my hair red but there are no ginger goths who are respected...

Laertus: it's just that excitement, the giddy excitement of one's first time, you know? sex is never the same after that, it's not quite as brimming with delightful decadent desire and mysterious manipulation of mind and body...

Eye: Rebecca De Mornay is perfect for this, she has that chemistry with Tom that you can't teach in any school or acting school, it's there bristling on the screen, can't fake it, you're naked up there on the screen. Joe Pantoliano, Joey Pants, on the other hand or maybe leg doesn't have it, his role here is so forced, the whole time he's ACTING like a tough guy rather than BEING one. he didn't have a large role in The Sopranos, right? would have weighed it down. 

Dirg: the dream is always the same.........that naked girl in the steam shower at the beginning of the film? that was her FIRST role in Hollywood! talk about being thrown in the water to sink or swim!...the shower water...

Eye Luggage: you know when you think about it, most teenage boys who lose their virginity early have brothers...cos otherwise there would be no babysitters there in the house...

Laertus: nice technique at the airport...the camera goes into POV mode for no known reason, looks like i'm playing an FPS...

Dirg: don't shoot you parents; it's just a game!...

Menendez: no it's not...

.

Tyzik: hey! it's the same white two-level two-storey Connecticut Colonial slatted townhouse mansion from Lucas!!!

Takahashi: ah, the equalizer, that lost audio box of art...

Laertus: that clock scene was very Ingmar Bergman. where's my mace? ha! mace was so '80s, joggers in Central Park and stuff... 

Takahashi: hate seeing that cherry classic car in the water like that

Pons: like a crazy dieter...

Takahashi: but now that the car is in the drink it can serve as a submarine in the search for Don Knotts... 

Eye: Rebecca as Lana is smarter than she lets on, typical with this world having to coddle a man's ego. their first sex is a gauzy scene straight out of a Working Girl vacuum. but every hooker has a history of abuse that tragically slows her inevitable rise to be the First Woman President. she could have gone to school when she tells boy Tom to go to school. i mean she already invented The Girlfriend Experience before it had a name! btw, any high school experiences like this where you actually make friends with the hooker? taking the hooker to prom sure but friends?

Pat wearily raises his hand...

Pat: it happened at my school, which is why it happened to me at Princeton. i do love the end scene in the backyard with the father genuinely proud of his son for getting into Princeton. that was a giddy hug i missed with my own dad...

Dirg: he's a Princeton recruiter...but he's a man, amirite?...

Diane Neal slowly raises her hand...

Laertus: love the long drawn-out-for-feeling dialogueless scene where Tom runs into the arms of a hugging Rebecca and they both close-eye hug. that apartment is so Spencer Tracy. that scene is so noir...

Dirg: Dick Tracy. our boy Tom has grown up from being a kept boy...

Eye: okay the train scene, it's very sexy, very sensual, very long and drawn-out. the lack of dialogue adds to the enticement. and remember, they both keep their clothes on! and it's erotic as hell!

Dirg: yeah i know i know, the train is the penis and the open-faced train stations are the vulvas...

Zalman King takes Dirg out back to a night alley and slaps him and talks to him about things...

Dirg: it's just...it's cheesy to start, right?....they SUDDENLY introduce that Tom has been doing toy model trains his whole life in his garage? like some Tim & Eric dweeb character?...

Laertus: don't be jealous, Dirg...

Dirg: Rebecca De Moaning...

Laertus: this film reminded me of a few things, a few images popped into my head: something about Babysitter and Chicago buildings at night...oh and when i see that train-sex scene i switch and think it's Michael J. Fox's wife on top of Michael J. Fox in Bright Lights, Big City...

Dirg: back when Michael J. Fox could talk...

Eye: *to Laertus* dear instead of that movie watch City Lights instead...

Leartus: this is how it goes down:

Tom: want to use this Van Nuys train station? it has a Kraken on its roof...

Rebecca: Franklin Village in Los Angeles is enticing, but making love on a real train is better...

Rebecca on top of Tom starts grinding on him gymnastically spreading herself apart line-driving herself like a wad of taffy into a stiff board...

Tom: that's good, that's good, keep your face six feet apart from me...

Eye: they should rename Los Angeles Las Estrellas...

Dirg: if that ain't a clip for the Olympics i don't know what is...

Dirg: okay okay, but at the end, the credits end-theme, it was good but "Time Of Your Life" the Dirty Dancing song could have fit in quite nicely there...

Dirg: this was not a brick. no L on that train...

Trent Reznor: the Porsche scene, "big man with a gun!", yeah, that's where i got it from......g'night, folks...

Terry Bradley is drinking a can of Diamond White with Liam Neeson at Shankill Road by the  Fountain...

Terry: yep yep yep...

Steven Universe tugs at Terry's smock...

Steven: can i have some? it's cider, right?...

Liam: Diamond White, the British White Claw...

Terry: you know if it wasn't for my mum i would have been killed right here on these ye streets. The Troubles...

Liam: yeah sorry for almost killing you. your mum was a glorious fuck...she was on skis when i did her...

Galivant: all this history wasn't a sham...

Galivant: did you find what you were looking for, son?...

Pat tugs at Liam's turtleneck...

Pat: mate i mean mister,  you celebrate Halloween around here?...

Liam Neeson takes his cosh and uses it as a paintbrush. he paints a scary face on Billy Corgan's bald head...

Billy Corgan: Christmas is my favorite holiday...

Liam Neeson then takes the heavy pumpkin out of Pat's heavy hand and with his cosh paints a scary face on it...