1. lingerie---do you like to give it as a gift or receive it? it was a gift, Judge Judy, not a loan. i was a young hotshot reporter fresh outta law school. my first assignment was on the local-courthouse beat for the biggest decision since Marbury v. Madison. Judge Judy was gonna determine whether or not The Two Coreys could be legally divorced. sure, Feldman and Haim agreed they were shacking up in sin in that house carved into the Hill for that reality show, but who exactly owned that Malibu mansion? the company? the estate was awaiting ruling. the three of us were called to chambers. inside the interiors of Judge Judy's private room the walls were carpeted. there we three were greeted with a treat: Judy stood on top of her desk and disrobed to reveal nothing but black lingerie underneath. we had long suspected and the rumors proved true. that was the first time an official procedure of any matter was steno'd with the word gilf. and the first time GILF was used to headline the front cover of a New York Times broadsheet, top half, best 8th.
2. what's a good date-night movie? i wouldn't know. because i had a thing for John Ritter in those days i went to see Stay Tuned in theatres. big mistake, despite it being a '90s film this was not the best. my date turned her head to me mid-showing and told me it wasn't deep. the only part worth seeing was that Chuck Jones animated interlude, there i learned for the first time the thing with the electronics in the bathtub, i didn't want my date to see that part just in case we had wine or port afterwards. Tim Burton turned down this movie to direct Batman Returns…...i think he made the wise turn for his career. years later, the only thing i remember about that night was the theatre's long winding spiral staircase carpeted with red felt and Ancient Roman stone and it was raining outside so hard it seeped into the carpet fibers. many fell down those stairs. i dropped my paper cup full of ice on the stairs and no one noticed. it was playing at an unusual filmhouse at the way outer edge of Los Angeles town, we had to drive a long distance out-of-the-way to see it, was the only place screening it. the bus driver did most of the driving. my date was so bored thoughout the whole affair she looked down at her gold legs the whole time and had time to invent the Thighmaster. my date was Chrissy Snow.
3. when your partner asks you "what's wrong?", do you most often say "nothing" when something clearly is wrong? why?
cos that's what all humans do, have you noticed? that's the default defacto position answer whenever someone asks you, "how are you doing?", we say "nothing" in a kneejerk jerky fashion.
for me this spreads to everyday life. i answer "nothing" when people ask me "what is your name?" "what is your favorite color?" "what time is it?" "what are you gonna do with your life?" "are blue raspberries a real fruit?"
i have no friends.
4. to keep the fires burning and the relationship fresh you send your significant other just one text. what is that text?
FUCK ME
but see, it will get misunderstood as i am. she'll think it's me like saying fuck me like my life sucks. not fuck me i want to have sex in your holes. in the holes in her Santa Fe-style adobe bone desert home. so she'll agree (not on the holes part) and hang up the twitterer. so i'm left with nothing, alone and cold. and so i send out the text FUCK ME meaning the second meaning this time...
bonus: what was your last grand romantic gesture? stood outside the fluttering window of her two-storey cottage house on the browning lawn in the middle of windy October and held up a boombox with both hands. my arms started to hurt and she wasn't home anyway, she never is. the cops later arrested me as i stood on the spot cos they had never seen a boombox before and thought it was a terrorist bomb.
doble: and then there was the time i had it all set up at the Philadelphia Flyers game to announce Will You Marry Me? on the big jumbotron screen but Gritty the mascot hit a puck right into my tits deflating them. it somehow got past the glass plastic screen it was that fast, Gritty is a nightmare with a stick and will strike you down. you know if you get up close to Gritty, you can smell the sawdust on his breath, it's like the mouth-section of the muppet costume was never finished…
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