Friday, December 14, 2018



* upfronts: Lorelei brilliant...wish her nothing but the best...will be my next follow as soon as my Instagram 7500 lowers...

* i was pronouncing it Pervert Everything with the emphasis on the first syllable of Pervert like Pervert Everything was the name of some superhero or something

* PFFR is how you say pervert in pervert

* Buddha is a woman...

* how?...why?...Journalism 101 is such a boring college class to take...this is Pop Culture 101 of course

* what's the best way to have sex? you will learn in this hour. you see there's a myth on tv that sex can last for more than an hour but that's a physical impossibility. Sam from Cheers is the only known recorded case but the documentation there is suspect cos the only witness was the Pope. Sting has come closest with 47 minutes. Supermen can last the entire half-hour of the sitcom but most men will give you at best the commercial break

* how do you know you're doing it right? vomit.

* Steve Jobs early hologram with Zen fro: can you get consent from an animal?
Jane Goodall B: you see it in their eyes. they give you the evil-eye that's how you know i was Jane Goodall first but no one paid attention to me cos i was ethnic. the media thought Jane was better-looking than me......anyway...
Steve Jobs: please, audience, no recording of this secret interview on a Samsung. don't want to see that shit out there.
Jane: PC culture…
Steve: rape culture...
Jane: touche. wanna touch my butt?
Steve: no.
Jane: good answer. you restrainted yourself.

* laughing cos he has a huge dick, he could easily push the elevator button with his dick

* back again, like Return of the Mackess. i made a bath bomb out of items i read about online. i'm like a spiritual terrorist. all of these plastic cups are from the mall that was gentrified last week, now it's just one big Disney Store.

* this is my giant brass knuckles made of ice. when i hold it in my hand i am forced to make the thumbs-up sign, which forces me to be positive. speaking of energy, see all these water bottles with plugs in them? i'm experimenting with electricity and bongwater, trying to ascend up the next plane...of existence...i know, the ice knuckles look like the bridge of a UFO ship...

* ropes, for jumping rope and sex, skipping and strangulation, both forms of exercise

* this Chinese hallway rug i got when i went to China in my mind. i have a box of tools in the bathroom...we're remodeling...

* i'm telling you, no seriously shut the fuck up and listen to me for once, let me sleep or you'll be sorry

* this is the one and only youtube video i'm ever gonna make

* ---whatcha doin'?
---i never watched Phineas & Ferb. that show was weird, it was, like, for hipster children. i'm writing the script of this special.
---this thing has a script? you look like a hippie child who draws mazes for the New York Times.
---are you being serious right now? this is a comedy show. i don't want to be filmed unless i'm doing the filming. did you get my water?
---your order?
---no my water order in order of water.
---did you get that thing i sent ya?...
---again, i don't watch adult swim...

* aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand scene! this is gonna win the Bounty contest, babe.

* Riley: you have to understand New York City parties. they're not really parties, they're crises.

* Riley: i know that alien. he seems harmless. he starts with the how he never got over Gumby being canceled but then quickly moves on to the part where he wants to probe your butt.

* we need name tags here, everyone here is a first-timer. we're not so much hipsters as sore losers. we drink from red Solo cups to recreate the college experience we were denied but deserved.

* i've learnt my lesson, let the alien make the scene, the party-circuit scene, more order for Halloween i mean water. to make saltwater-taffy Halloween candy i suppose. and the Mischief Night fires, never found those. i'll actually use some of those water bottles i hoard for water.
---remember to hydrate.
yeah but i don't exercise, i have to maintain the gift of my butt.

* Noah: i'm the other Cyrus child. the male Noah that's kept in the attic bathroom. don't worry, i'm sitting on my arm that's why you can't see it. are you sure about all this ice and mulch?
---well sure. ice are crystals, right? you need to learn to GROW...

* DIVERSITY: in the blink of an eye. keep subverting those tropes, Lorelei, we need equal representation in the weirdness game. i like Tim & Eric but they aren't the gatekeepers to this anticomedy thing, right?

* Debbie Downer: um, maybe if i wore that pink blindfold over there. can we do it on the pink sofa? i'm afraid the rug will catch on fire with all the candles here. i mean have you ever had sex on just a mattress on the floor? it's weird.
Riley: that's how your parents did it in the '70s after reading The Joy of Sex by Alex Comfort. that's how it's done in every frat and sorority house.

* Debbie Downer: i came here cos i don't have any friends. can we have sex without touching at all? i don't want to have sex on camera. can you be a virgin whore?
Riley: but nobody watches this...
Debbie Downer: thank you for my first karate lesson. the mall got closed so...

* Maya Angelou: you know why the caged bird sings?
Riley: sex with you in Heaven is my ultimate fantasy.
Maya: freedom...

* Riley: you look like a root. i'm tryna prevent you from becoming a dud root.
Noah: i don't feel so hot.
Riley: exactly. the crystals will heal you.
Noah: yeah but can you take me to a hospital now?
Riley: crystals aren't a religion, they're a lifestyle.

* David Morse from the first season of St. Elsewhere: is it true one of your animals is called Weinstein?
Jane B: yes but he was removed from the cage.
David: how do you know the eyes of the animals aren't just drowsy?
Jane: we make sure the animals don't drink anything but water. my favorite plug is a book plug. the wordplay here is all very Shakespearean.
David: did you know there was no wordplay before Shakespeare? did you know that Boston is where St. Elsewhere takes place? not many people know that. we're like the '80s Boston ER.
Jane: i thought that show took place in a snowglobe.

* Noah is gone. i needed time to myself. but now that i have it i don't feel so hot.

* at least there's not a knife at my back. 5 is a spiritual number, right? like the palm of a human or animal hand.

* first show in history to have the end-credits in the middle

* show-within-the-show backstage, behind the scenes. man playing boyfriend is the real boyfriend but playing the part in this scripeted segment that looks like a documentary.

* not Eric Andre: so as you can see i finally got sponsored, i'm gonna skateboard using ladders.
Lorelei: babe i'm too big for you now.
not Eric: i know, dat azz.
Lorelei: no i have a special on adult swim so my mom's gonna see this...
not Eric: i only have enough money for one pizza slice, so your choice. are you in love with your mom?
Lorelei: sure, all kids are. and kidults. i'm craving black food.
not Eric: like as in burnt food? i'm trying to be supportive but it's hard when you have that tv thing sticking out of your in that mic! you're still filming, aren't you? you sneaky shedevil.

* Lorelei: yeah so this is typical stoop conversation, even without the pot fumes. what were we talking about?
girl: we're all just hanging out, it's okay, you can kiss me. i'm not gay. well i'm not gay for you. but we're all hanging out.
Lorelei: sorry, you look like my mom.
girl: is that a good thing? so war, you see, stems from water. water had different molecular-compound compound chemicals back then, when war was peace.
Lorelei: yeah, the word 'war' can be found in the word 'bongwater'.

* Lorelei: i'm looking for flights into Miami right now. i'm gonna marry my mom.
Gilligan boyfriend: seriously, why does EVERYTHING happen in fucking Florida?

* counter cutie: shoulda went to Jared.
Lorelei: have you tried that new Kushner Kush sold by the stoop?
counter cutie: as our official travel blogger, you HAVE to wear the LIVE LOVE TRAVEL blindfold when you sleep at airports.

* Lorelei: mom, this looks weird but love is love. i'm not wearing this tuxedo cos i'm a lesbian, i'm a groom. and we are under a gigantic mistletoe evergreen wreath thing so that's perfect. and you are my real mom, right? not an actress.
mom: si.
(you KNOW that's her real mom, they look so much alike, gotta be)

* the one in the airport was gratuitous, but the grand longshot into the light of Lorelei walking down the sidewalk Brooklyn maples and treestuffs to her one side and the shadowed stoops strewn with elm leaves to her other all alone the lane all to herself strolling cheek side to side was regal and queenly and intentional art. bottoms line: Lorelei's ass is a masterpeice.


happy weekend, my babies. i WILL eat that McDonald's Holiday Pie if i have to move to Brooklyn to do it. i mean it's gotta be at that Times Square McDonald's, right?...

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