Friday, December 21, 2018

PONY UP, ONLY $19.95!


* okay the only thing Christmasy about this is that the lady's eyes when they go red and white look like peppermint mints

* Horseface: The Musical

* Bobby Flay was too-boring a subject to post, sorry Bobby fans---the Slay Flay Brigade---i know he's tight with Giada and Scooby Doo and his wife is a lesbian, but he himself is a cipher.

* i could have featured Anna Paquin cos i'm presently on a The Piano kick right now but i was informed that was Fly Away Home, which carries its own set of nostalgic angst for me. that movie was played ad nauseam whenever i went over to my cousin's house, but i never really saw it, it was just background noise to drown us out when we played Nerfball indoors when we weren't supposed to. something about Canada geese and Elliott from E.T. but the sun this time and more of a Zelda glider before there was one. i think the red hoodie remained tho. i fell in love with Canadian bacon from those visits, the sweet maple smell of that Nerfball wafting at the doorsill each time.

* also not a layaway, as if i'd ever be not-nervous enough to fly a plane again. i got lost at LAX once, catching myself dead there, holding up a sign with my own name on fact i think i'm still at the airport right now, wandering Tom Hanks...

* Sarah Squirm and Cecily Strong: the weirdness is strong with Chicago babes. all those SNL skits that are a little off cos they contain talking squirrels and talking raccoons and stuff, that's all Cecily.

* watch out, this thing takes a turn

* dogs: hey man, i don't like horses. they scary, got those weird muscles bulging out where their arms should be.

* Sarah Squirm: my suit is peppermint, too!

* those clouds are made of FlexSeal. this is a commercial for Irish Spring Sugarcube Scent. don't be fooled, this piece is about hair...but it's really about being aware...

* the difference between a violin and viola? Stradivarius didn't make no filthy violas, wouldn't even touch those bastard cousins.

*  is it possible to harmonize with yourself? like can you do a duet with your own voice without using technology?

* the mother of all the Titans from Attack on Titan. YOU tell her to shave her legs.

* one doesn't identify with womanhood, one strives for it in all things

* pubic-hair bow is what's used to make thrash music.

* Bigfoot: I will love you, no matter if society shuns you.

* body hair IS a crime in some places in the world. let us pray. or rather let us read a science book. use the jail in the desert of that The Shivering Truth episode with just the bars and not the cell.

* with all that saved time there would have been a Female President by now!...

* only those that finish their homework get to ride the pony...which is a euphemism...

* warning: do not eat food or swim for the next three hours after watching this. in fact, might as well skip lunch for a week anyway, this is about beauty standards, right? skip lunch in protest.

* many sacrifices must be made to land on and explore and search out Mars.

* guy here, so this is the part where my mom covered my eyes at the theatre. why would you WANT to trim your ball hairs? they're the best part of the balls!

* balls are eyeballs, makes sex funner, you can see the blowjob this way. i like awkward turtles. the Tim & Eric prolongment at the end just makes it awkwarder.

* and this is when this thing becomes revolutionary: it becomes the first feminist ESPN 30 for 30

* buns of macaroni

* sadly, there will be porn of this at the next Horror Con...

* your insides consist of Twizzlers and fruit punch. you can't surf on fruit punch, makes your board sticky. i've always felt uncomfortable with the word "unclean", it's not dirty, it's religiously dirty.

* there is nothing hotter than a beautiful woman imitating masturbating by stroking her air penis

* Barney Stinson: i was fucking convincing, wasn't i? i'm a great actor.
Polly: in the '80s i just wanted a cracker. in the '90s i just wanted to be heard. i was the first #MeToo. perched on Cobain's shoulder cos he was the Impossible Pirate, sailing on an invisible sea only he saw.
Aphex Twin: so whatever happened to me? i was #1 on one chart one time. tech made a comeback, right?
Sarah: sorry, i slipped there.

* gotta be the Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell butcher/graveyard/mortuary set

* women have always been treated like a piece of meat.

* we don't know why we wear these yellow hardhats. to protect ourselves from rocks being thrown at us from Angels above. meat doesn't look so good when it's hung up on hooks like this, huh. always wear socks, even indoors.

* we are not doctors...

* cum-filled condom, from a limp ugly ugly penis: and this is why Sarah Squirm went into skewering skewed anti-comedy, this was the traumatic night which changed the trajectory of Sarah's life and career forever...

* winter scarf. i was gonna get liposuction on that ass anyway. this ice used to pack and preserve is so good it won't turn the cardboard box into a puddle.

* Skin Kids: the precursor to Beat Kids from Wonder Showzen. complete with Xavier Renegade Angel faceovers.

* #NOS kin: the energy drink which brings the entire working class together

* a full Bush sounds good right about now in these times. how is the Olympic Swim Committee gonna regulate THIS bodysuit? smells like picklejuice which is perfect for BBQ when you need the pickle to offset the richness of the ribs.

* but those whiteheads squirt out white hearts. in perfect pus. the white heart emoji is rare on Instagram

* painting: PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!! (*thinking* it's not working, i can't speak when i'm a painting, only when i'm a logo.)

* Sarah: that's right, we ended racism! it only took a few Instagram emojis of balloons and doves. and my Third Eye which as you can see i wear as a bowtie.

* Sarah: being who i am, i inherently rejected the Alpha model. we Jews are real men, real mensches. former site of the Manhattan Project and the Metallica "One" video.

* Sarah: so what we're saying here is imagine if Secretariat was allowed to eat bacon. imagine those times.

* this may be counterintuitive, but the "fuck" is actually funnier when it's bleeped.

* i don't want to wade too deep in the waters here but it's cool to see a chick this into outright blood and guts, you don't see this sort of gory stuff much from girls, it's rather a breath of fresh air. well, musty air.


happy weekend, my babies. i've slacked off on my Christmas gifting this year so i'm just gonna push a button and let an Amazon drone randomly flight-path all my stuff around the Tri State Area. thought about visiting a National Museum this weekend. or a National Park, the snow is just starting to spike the hilltop shelters. Merry Christmas. there, i said it.

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