Friday, December 28, 2018



* hey okay first off, let's just all pray that Macaulay is alive and well. he made it. i mean he will be the only Macaulay you will ever know in your life, let's face it. okay so the Mila thing didn't work out, she could have saved you earlier, but you confused her when you told her you were smitten with Jim. later Mila discovered you meant Jim Beam. when Ashton punk'd you at your house (the house above) you were so glassy-eyed there was no reaction from you and they had to burn the tape. Mila offered you a role on Family Guy but you said you didn't watch tv anymore. she said she fucked up but you were by then too far gone. you are a man and roaring like your brother. now you're healthy and wise and do what everyone in your position does: try to recreate the Cobain life with the music and not the drugs. (all of my cousins on my dad's brother's side of the family look exactly like Macaulay)

* Macaulay: i'm confused. there's no snow in Hollywood.
me: you know that house up there? it's actually the Sims version of the house. creepy, huh?

* Macaulay: mom? i had the most horrible dream. what am i, 38 years old now? and i have the exact same face. ironically, i STILL can't use the aftershave cos i never grew a beard...

* Macaulay: mom? why does our stairwell look like an Oriental whorehouse?
me: you can't say that anymore. you gotta say Asian. in fact you gotta say Crazy Rich Asian now.

* Macaulay: Mom Google, what's my name?
Mom Google: Macaulay Macaulay Culkin Culkin
Macaulay: that's gotta be a computer glitch.

* Macaulay: Mom Google, what's on my agenda?
Mom Google: how did you vote?
Macaulay: oh no, not this again. what's on my schedule today?
me: you have one event entitled House To Yoself. apparently it all ends at 11PM, is that your bedtime?
Macaulay: no that's when Mom comes home from her New Year's party...

* Macaulay: fuck, out of aftershave. see? i couldn't do that till now.
me: don't drink the aftershave.
Macaulay: *pats his cheeks with a hard slap* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
me: what happened!?
Macaulay: i drank it!
me: no, that's 1893 Pepsi Cola Ginger Cola. has a bit of a bite and floods your sinuses with binaca.

* Macaulay: add aftershave to my shopping list.
Mom Google: you mean water? that plant that grows inside this two-story mansion hasn't been fed in weeks. that's where all the aftershave went.

* Macaulay: you know, jumping on a bed seemed a lot more fun as a kid. i guess it was the whole taboo dangerous disobeying thing or something.
bed: please stop, you're breaking my balls!
Macaulay: hey Mom Google, clean my sheets.
Mom Google: disgusting.
Macaulay: no not from that, the dirt from my socks. oh and one more thing, every morning wake me up by whispering in my ear FUCK FOOTBALL.

* Macaulay: you know i never found out what this movie was that i was watching. but it influenced me negatively. i treated all people i encountered in my life like they were fodder. i went on a dispiriting quest to fulfill what i thought was my destiny to become a Broadway gangster. or a gangland Broadway actor if you prefer. never was much of a singer, and i didn't sing in the can. i never trusted pizza again, you know what that does to a hungry boy learning from the Victory Pyramid how to stay healthy? i don't trust coins anymore, i only keep crypto in my pocket. i am wanted by every boy and pizzaboy this side of Chuck E. Cheese. and i don't know how hot fudge is made. like does it come from a brown cow?

* Macaulay: sorry boy, you're a Red Sox fan. look, animals aren't filthy, i wanted to be a zoologist. like Android 17. want some of this?
me: it's cheese pizza. i'm into nobler pursuits than sex. like a cheeseboard chessboard. or chessboard cheeseboard.
Macaulay: yeah it's like the wheat and cheeseboard uh chessboard problem.
me: you should have ordered wheat crust.

* Macaulay: bran muffins. not a commercial for the Ring Doorbell. two degrees higher and this tree will catch on fire. my furnace is the steeltrap Mouth of Hell. and the 12 on my grandfather clock is a little devil. have i got it all covered?
me: just another life in Hollywood.

* Macaulay: Operation Kevin. if Durant goes to the Lakers, it will be the Heat all over again and ruin the NBA.
me: who was the basketball player used in the original?
Macaulay: Steve Nash obviously.

* Macaulay: this is actually milk wine.
me: i'm drinking a Pepsi milk to honor Laverne.
Macaulay: Gordon made this mac n cheese for me. this mannequin was the same one who fought Winona Ryder on that mall video. Rudolph's animal spirit is trapped in my outside Christmas lights, he truly is my spirit animal. didn't one of my robbers end up marrying Carla from Cheers? we gotta go, the fireplace worked too well and the house is on fire. next time no my socks for stockings. wait, you can order a pizza online? that can't be right. oh, now i remember, that's the black-and-white man from Godfather's Pizza!!! i'm rewatching and reminiscing The Goonies, i auditioned for that you know.

* Mila Kunis: i fucked up.
Macaulay: thank you. but this comes years later when you're happily married with kids and i'm still......Mac. you know? but thank you.

Macaulay: sciatica was the sex move Mila was just about to teach me when i passed out. it's okay, i lost out on all that but it didn't turn into a River Phoenix end. my doctor is Dr. Lisa Edelstein, the hot Princess from House!!!


happy weekend, my babies. Week 17 is gonna be bonkers, the playoffs have been going on for weeks now! and go Notre Dame! let's have someone, ANYONE new! please! Regis is still alive to see this, right?

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