Monday, September 17, 2018


1. which animal listed below represents your true sexual self?
a) chipmunk---cute and cuddly
b) monkey---all about being mischievous
c) tiger---i've earned my stripes

i only date chipmunks who sing. Tales of the Gold Monkey was my favorite show..............then..............well..............i guess it's Archer now.

my sexual idol, the man i look up to the most, the man i pattern my sex life after, his ferocious libido is goals, is Tony the Tiger if he had put down the bowl and not eaten any of his own unhealthy Frosted Flakes cereal.

2. your partner's in the mood for sexy fun but you're beat. tired, that is. what do you do?
a) start snoring. there is no way i'm givin' it up tonite.
b) trade. you give me a massage...and we will see...
c) that would never happen!

i give my masseuse massages. i tell her,
me: okay it's only gonna happen if "Tonight Tonight" by the Smashing Pumpkins plays in the background soft loudspeakers overhead with the mood lighting.
her: no way that would ever happen!
and she's right. i mean, "Run2me", what exactly happened to the Pumpkins there? was Billy sick that day?

me: i only barter in the tradition of my past life when i was a medieval page.
her: here's some snoring salts. exclusive to this place.
me: and this place is...?
her: Lush.

btw, i read that as "parents", not "partner". i do give my mom massages every week for her poor back and neck and shoulders, i hope she receives the Medi-paid-for acupuncture she needs soon.

3. which of these sexual descriptive labels closely matches you?
a) dominant b) submissive c) top d) bottom e) switch f) kinkster

i don't believe in labels. that's why i invented the Amazon drone. i'm a dominant who takes orders middle stagnant inactive slash-fanfiction-writer who kicks the habit every night. the amount of sex i have is in direct proportion to the number of fanfiction stories i write.

4. would you rather have your enemy eaten by a shark or die in an earthquake getting swallowed up by earth? it would be unseemly to discuss shark attacks and typhoons right now. let's just hope and pray Mother Earth gets all the water she needs so her throat doesn't remain scratchy and she earthquakes which is her indication that she's thirsty. freshwater that is, let's hope all the people of all the nations get enough freshwater to survive. water justice. i have no enemies, Yahoo Serious and i patched things up in the '80s.

5. for the next year, would you rather be dressed like a mime every day OR look normal but not allowed to talk?

take it from me, people lose interest in a talking mime real quick. i was talking to my priest the other day when i asked him, "do you have anything to confess?" he told me he likes me better when i don't talk. then he brought up that Twilight Zone with the guy in the glass cage and the bet that he couldn't talk for a while...

bonus: what is the most beautiful word in the world? word. you can create whole other universes with it.


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