Friday, September 21, 2018



* me: can you spare a square?
Dr. Seuss: i was here first.

* alternative title for this post: Who? Lou? as in Lou Dobbs? Lou Dobbs doesn't work anymore. Celebrity Cable Considerations

* James Harden: this is not an Old Spice commercial. i don't need to shave my beard, it grows back anyway.

* James Harden: do not get a bed. sleep on the floor. if you have to get a bed get a California King, those are the only cool ones. those are the only ones which are prefabricated by LeBron James himself. he knew he was gonna be a Laker all along when he lived in Ohio. just like he knew he was gonna be President when he lived in Iowa.

* Sarah McLachlan: hey, thank me for not showing you the kittens and the sad music. this is even MORE serious. it's not enough to remove your yellow Bob's Burgers shirt and stop watching the show Bob's Burgers even though it's coming up and is currently the best show on tv. we are living in a different more enlightened time now, the post-Dominion era, are you a Dominion Warrior? never eat meat again or die.

* courtside boy: LeBron got me these seats. he loves me even when the President won't.

* Samira Wiley: i'm piloting my own helicopter ride to the Emmys. people don't realize how powerful Emmys are.

* Sarah Silverman: it's confusing i know, but this time i'm joking. i'm mad serious when it comes to this country. sometimes i wonder if my twitter love is enough. though i did save a life on twitter, what did you do on twitter today? end a show?

* Joe Manganiello: you mistake me for the burly dude with the Lucy spiked bat or the guy who was a Watcher in that Watcher movie.
Sofia Vergara: Watchmen, even I know that and i'm not from this country! Joe will put you off men forever...
Joe: why did you marry me?
Sofia: you showed my son Manolo love. Manolo is the only man in my life. you showed him how to shampoo his hair, i'll never forget that.

* Joe: never fly first-class, it's a's all the same, you know? the airplane is still the airplane.

* Jared Goff: i am SO glad i signed with Hollywood! this NFL bump-in-the-road is my ticket to movie stardom and bumps of cocaine! see i have to keep a "clean liver" when i play sports, but not when i play in movies! i am SO glad i didn't sign with that OTHER Los Angeles team, that Chucky coach is known to ruin quarterbacks! they are taking a billion-dollar crapshoot with him...

* Samira: never mind that man, the future is female.
Harrison Ford: me? i told them not to kill me off. that new Han Solo isn't working out for them too well now is he?
Samira: no, not you sir, you are a legend. here, take this champagne, don't put your hands on the stick let me do the flying, and regale me with your misadventures in a parking-lot garage with Carrie Fisher.
Harrison: no please, no more frogwater.
Samira: so how is the future gonna look like in 30 years?
Harrison: ask Ryan Gosling.
Samira: Neil Armstrong showed us the future was space but Blade Runner shows us the future is virtual-sex with big blue bare busty hologrammic booth babes.
Harrison: the future's not lookin' so bright.
Samira: are you crying?
Harrison: well sort of, it's my tears in rain.

* Sarah Silverman: the whole "ply" thing is a sham, just like the "threadcount" thing is a sham. this is Hollywood, what do you expect? the whole place is a lie, that's why we love it. i don't use toilet paper, i use my hand, and you STILL think i'm the hottest Jew who ever lived after Jesus!

* kid: i'm LeBron James's son, probably. i like iced tea. i can take it or leave it when it comes to bacon. don't get it twisted, don't try to connect the two, playa, you ain't that smart. has nothing to do with that tan color.

* Jared Goff: my tv calls me Jared Goff, that's my dad's name. want to see my walk-in closet? it's not Walking Dead-themed.

* James Harden: i painted the painting above my big head. with my beard.

* Sarah Silverman: 1 in 10 men will think this commercial should have had "native" girls in grass skirts, grilled pineapple, and a big bamboo pole.

* Sofia Vergara: SPORTS!!!
Joe: what are sports?
Sofia: i thought you were a regular joe.

* Samira: i am Poussey.
Harrison: oh no, okay, this is where the generation gap comes in, i don't know how to address young people now, with all these Movements swirling around everywhere. i refer to all women as goddesses to square all my bases. Star Bases.
Samira: i'm in love with you that you think i'm still young. Hollywood is an older seasoned actress's game.
Harrison: hey, that black woman with the red-hair jheri curls and orange poncho in the basketball stands, if that is indeed a woman, she's on your Orange Show, too, right?
Samira: OITNB?
Harrison: Clockwork Orange?

* so i missed the Emmys this year. WHY did you put them on a Monday? people do still go to school and work during the week as difficult as it is to imagine when you comb through twitter comments nowadays. there were no new primetime cartoons this Sunday, it was your perfect window. i heard there was a lot of Roseanne living the awkward life, new celebrity couples living their best life, and Che looking around with his head on a swivel at Colin with Scarjo and Pete with Ariana and wondering when does his chick check clear?
Che: is it cos i'm a Communist?


happy weekend, my babies. not much going on this weekend, huh..................

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