Friday, September 14, 2018



* the man, named Chico: i didn't know who else to call.
Clark: we can handle anything. except Ghostbusters played by female Pop Team Epic. this is a nice white house you've got here, sir.
Chico: i'm your next president, bitch! time for the calibration! you planning on stealing it?
Clark: ...
Chico: just kidding. i called you cos i don't know anyone else in the neighborhood. i don't have any friends, i only have family.

* Chico: your van indicates no funny business in the back and a Spider-Man symbol. you Peter Parker? you look like Peter Parker.
Clark: yes, i am Rey's parents. what's in the garage?
Chico: the answer to Rey's parents.
Clark: why do you keep your porch lights on during the day?
Chico: saves on eyeglasses. i ain't fallin' for that, everyone knows all robberies occur during the day.

* Chico: you guys are mindful of the environment, right?
Clark: Trump takes care of that. i wear this uniform even to bed.
Chico: you're not gonna harm the rats and bugs in any way, right? no non-green chemicals? animal life is more precious than human life.
Clark: just honey and milk, i'm Persian...

* Chico: i can't see too good. i only have eyes for my beloved.
Clark: no one should go into attics. that's where they keep the comic books and dead bodies.

* Clark: 100%
Chico: boi you still use the old math!!!?

* Justine: ...
Clark: Justine?! where the fuck did you go after Family Ties!!!?
Chico: i know, right? she should be Winona Ryder by now. or at least Demi Moore.

* Justine: can we please watch something other than football?
Chico: you're just player-hatin'. admit it, you hate Pennsylvania! *to Clark* it's Steelers vs. Eagles.
Clark: that was last year's Super Bowl, right?
Chico: boi you don't get out much. you live under a rock?
Clark: no, in my pod.
Chico: football just ain't the same no more without Costas. he was the soul of the game. i'd love how he'd go off ranting the entire three-hour show about what is and isn't a catch. that case is now before Judge Kavanaugh. what is a catch?
Clark: you know it when you see it. like pornography.

* Clark: so THAT's where Monica's wet dress went. you collect Mario cards?
Justine: i trapped Mario's spirit in that card. he's the only man who'll listen to me for more than five minutes. i turn him on and i play with him. he's got that Burt Reynolds mustache and he fixes my plumbing. he isn't afraid of commitment, in fact his job is to stop weddings he deems unfit.

* Justine: i'm willing to watch football. as long as it's Brady, that guy with the cheesy smile in Green Bay, or the Raiders quarterback with the dreamy eyes who's currently getting fucked by Chucky. and Belichick, oh my god do i love Belichick who gets all the chicks, he's a gridiron genius, he reminds me of my father, cold and distant. i followed in my father's footsteps and became a cold and distant ghost.

* Justine: you have to understand, this dusty bodice dress that looks like a theater curtain or a wool kitchen tablecloth was all the rage when i was a chick, it was like the miniskirt is today.
Clark: ma'am, women wear dental floss today. their teeth are very healthy.
Justine: the man at the fair kept insisiting he wanted to take my picture. one poof of his daguerreotype and the bright flash of light and heavy plume of dark smoke took me to the other side, to the other place. at least it was fun seeing a man faint.

* Justine drops her puce handkerchief in front of Chico.
Justine: would you mind picking that up for me, sir?---this is the roleplay---i'm afraid my fingers are too delicate for this puddle of water.
Chico: pound for a pond, deal?
Clark: what's the handkerchief for?
Justine: that was the custom back in my day. ladies needed handkerchiefs to cover their mouths to keep their men from seeing them laugh.

* Justine: we've been described in early print in the local paper which covers our one horse and one general store and one dysentery that as a coupling we are romantic, captivating, taboo, and way more illicit than any Celtic affair on green grandeur with a pirate and waves.
Chico: fine but when do we get to fuck!?
Justine: let's hug.
the man goes right through the woman.
Chico: did we do it?
Justine: you won't be going through me anymore, i've been taking my Humira.
Chico: and i've been taking my Denzel Washington ED pills. we're like Izzie and Denny from Anatomy of an Aneurysm.
Justine: i can't binge Grey's Anatomy anymore, this show was made before MeToo. there are so many infractions, just the ones we know about. i know what Kavanaugh did to me...

* Chico: she won't leave. just like Hurricane Florence.

* Clark: why are you on the roof?
Justine: preparing for Hurricane Florence. who do you think is swirling it? they had it right all those centuries ago, hurricanes really are the spirits of disgruntled women who never found love in this life.

* Justine: Clark, i'm your mother, and Chico is your father.
Clark: had a feeling. i was drawn to this house like a fat kid to cake and Halloween candy. but is this biracial thing gonna work? i know it's PC to say it's cool but these things don't really work out in real life.
Justine: if you're thinkin' bout my baby it don't matter if you're black or white.


happy weekend, my babies. if you've lost all hope, if you have nowhere to turn on your block, your pizza has turned to dust, the light has filtered out of your eyes, trust in the Cajun Navy. the Cajun Navy knows that you exist. the Cajun Navy knows that you matter. the Cajun Navy knows where you live. the Cajun Navy will come for you. the Cajun Navy cares about you. Godspeed Cajun Navy Godspeed...

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