Monday, July 16, 2018


1. if each of your index fingers could spew a liquid for the rest of your life, what liquids would it be?: whoa, i love a little scifi with my TMI. i'm thinking of Mars and a hopeful vision of Mars, not Mars Attacks! or anything, that positive Mars show about those scrappy CW kids who repopulate the planet after they realize the answer was millennials and Elon Musk all along. it's true, the adults will never change. i'd even take colonizing Mars as a possibility one day, just that would be a miracle. would require one hell of a beach-cleanup and some bottled water but it can be done.

fingers, Mars, thinking of Total Recall and my former governor and his feud and that one British photographer with the saucy blonde hair and cheeky grin, Alison Jackson of the Jackson 5, who puts powerful men in compromising positions for art. please don't sue, the pictures are all we have left of what really happened in reality.

okay i'm going with liquid asphalt so the construction just next literally adjacent to my house will FINALLY complete. it seems it's been constructing forever, like Mars, it never started, it's just always been there, like the Universe. please PLEASE i need to concentrate on ideas. i never asked for another highway lane, i'm a walker by trade. it's not fun when you're sleeping and the roller rolls by at 3AM shaking your home off its foundation. that's only fun if you're the one doing the driving of the roller and you get to blare the horn and flash the light into people's bedroom windows.

2. if you could talk to everyone in the world for 5 minutes, all at once, what would you say? LISTEN TO KOKO THE GORILLA'S URGENT MESSAGE TO MANKIND BEFORE YOU DIE!!! don't fall back on your default position that this is fake, don't take out your phone, just listen, don't immediately start thinking about how you can meme this on your youtube channel with 2 followers, one of those followers your mom, the other Koko.

3. would you rather not be able to eat for a week OR not be able to ______ for a month? let's get the eat out of the way, i do that now cos i'm poor and can't afford groceries. can't masturbate for a month? but what if it's Masturbation Month in May? i can't write unless i wank. i'm a writing wanker. or perhaps a wanking writer. i can't do it, believe me i've tried all the alternatives: reading, music, cucumbers. even good music, in fact the better the music, the more down i feel. masturbation releases and relaxes me, focuses my mind like no other. i took it up with my guru. i asked him plainly when we were both up in the tree: what's better for your soul, meditation or masturbation? he smiled devilishly, flicked his Wings Farrah-Fawcett-hair-mod-cut, and without opening his eyes addressed the topic: "they're the same thing, that's what my father taught to me"

4. what exhilarates you? breathing underwater for days, cos it literally requires you not to exhale. i am from Atlantis. i've just come from Atlantis. the casino.

5. what is the best perk of your job? what is the best perk you've ever had at any job? not working. sex on the helipad, sorry i can't say where i worked or i'll get in trouble. there's so much freedom and anonymity up there, you can do whatever you want and no one cares cos they're all down below. i could pretend i was part of the milehigh club when the helicopter came to pick us up. this was when i was with Bill Watterson. as a Calvinist, Bill wanted to try 69. i said okay but only if he would reveal only to me how Calvin first met Hobbes. after the helisex he regaled me with tales of his experience as a Calvinist teenager in the Summer of 69 and his golden Decade of work when life was simpler. i went on about my dim view of humanity. i asked him what he was doing at a hospital but he wouldn't say.

bonus: just how naughty are you? Putin-level naughty



ancilla_ksst said...

Putin-level naughty

You are naughtier than me!

the late phoenix said...

ancilla: Putin has Hobbes......