* i'll try not to make this double-length
* the King Walkthrough wouldn't have been better
* this scared me off video games again. i just can't bring myself to wear those scary headphones and mic up to your mouth. they are so unnatural, back in the day it was a pop, a popsicle, a pizza, a joystick, and a kid's dream
* if Tom Clancy were alive, what would he think of Trump?
* triggered=Nirvana shirt. there is no such thing as an energy drink, they all sap your energy, you energy drunk. Florida will secede before Texas. your mom doesn't exist, she's in my bed.
* it's simple: close the tab to your video game and visit your sick mom in the hospital. bring her a Tab to pep her up.
* spoilers: none of this matters. it's all a distraction. be sure to get that hidden 1UP behind her tongue there after you accidentally impregnate the alien queen
* Garcia is the name of my mom's nurse whom i'm attracted to. mental block, why i can never save him in the game.
* ass and acid=same root word
* a government soldier waiting at a bus stop: America 2018
* ginger soldier: what's his name?!
girlfriend: does it mater? i knew you'd react this way! you're no different than Kids React!
ginger soldier: you're screwing a goddam bug!?
girlfriend: he has bug juice, reminded me of summer camp. we're gonna hang up now and watch Mostly 4 Millennials together on your porch.
* mom: i'm your last link to the real world, to a real life. groceries, wife, job?
you: what's the link?
mom: why would you want to hurt me? without me you wouldn't know video games existed.
you: who are those people whizzing by us in the open jeep?
mom: your last hope.
* mom: hot girls like dudes in skinny jeans. i should know, i married your father. that's why you're really a skinny dude in skinny jeans in real life, not this muscley warrior.
you: why did you change my room into your craft room?
mom: the other Rosie is big again.
you: EVERY DAY IS A DAY?
mom: i ran out of caulk.
* mom: Duck Hunt. see? i told you.
you: why is the water spot telling me to kill myself?
mom: no it's telling you to drink more water, less energy drinks. lie on your leaky mattress.
you: the job i chose to get back on my feet is a drug store...not the best decision. i have a gun, those cool yellow guns which gun on those little tags on cans. tag, i'm it. you can't peel off the tag once placed, impossible even with sunlight. and my coworker has a skin tag, do not rip that off unless you want to die. surgery is expensive.
* deleted bonus cutscene: if you enter that house with your ex and her new boyfriend, you win the game, it's the only way to win the game, you become Santa.
* historians have checked this: the side who brushed their teeth before the battle always won
* i don't mean to be insensitive, but your mother does not like to be choked.
mom: son! what are you doing!!? i ATE actual real mincemeat during the Depression!
* why wait at a doctor's office for PTSD meds when you can work at a drug store?
* you: well she found a doctor, can't really blame her anymore.
* this is the real "Hot Coffee"
* Uncomfortableness of Existence, name of my next band
* she's gonna cum! oh, hi, Firequacker. big hearts...............uh, right.
* Firequacker: look i'm a girl who's normally into pony games, okay? we enjoy what we enjoy. let us enjoy things. i'm hungry. mom doesn't allow me to eat food till i'm done with my homework, this is the only time i can eat food freely. gimme that fucking ice cream carton!
* Fire: shit, even the post-it notes belong to my roommate?!!
* take nap, masturbate, same thing
* Fire: oh so here's where the pony stuff comes in, very funny, developers.
* Killian: i'm Killian Anderson. i'm like Gillian Anderson but with black hair. The X-Files will never end. i don't cum, i make others cum. that's MY Uber, bitch! wait....oh okay i thought that was a ....okay it's just a chef....dodged a bullet there.........EAT MY SWEDISH MEATBALLS!!!
* you: no fair! i can't sway around side-to-side like those old cartoons, my legs are in a bind inside my dropped pants.
roommate: try back-and-forth. jiggle more.
* you: i don't understand my roommate's illogical actions, we used to be best friends. then we started video-gaming together. you ever feel you're not in control of your life? like someone else has the joystick to your arms and legs? joy is a one-way street.
* you: MOM, why doesn't my computer i mean your computer work?
mom: you said you would use it to find a job, there's only one page on it, the job-finding page.
* here begins the Walkthrough-ception, it can all be explained with this one lyrical sentence: the soldier needed sympathy cos the government didn't care so he crushed rocks on the moon instead of Earth/ The Flying Spaghetti Monster interestingly looks like an Octorok in 8-bit, not something from an Italian plumber/ the mooncrusher hasn't posted in a while cos he didn't exist till now, or he was on rocks/ this is all about the guilt of your mom the guilt of you over your mom/ if you don't have haters you're not important/ Batman/ the video-game industry ended with Tetris/ i should have gotten a tablet instead/ Narnia/ this is the real unicorn's cosplay of Firequacker, i know it's confusing/ the interactive-movie laserdisc genre would have survived if they allowed cowgirl porn, now THOSE were cutscenes/ Q*bert was the first pay-to-play, Q*bert was how i learned AP geometry, they used each quarter you spit into the machine melted them down for mercury you would need later for your depression/ keep the likes coming if you don't like me who will? i'm not allowed to like myself until i collect 100 likes mom said no more masturbation if i don't exist in the virtual world where do i exist? why can't real life be a video game? cos God likes Sega better than Nintendo/ Bjork should have done video-game music she's the one who said there's more to life than this/
* anyway, let's not think too much about what life exactly is and that it may not be anything at all..................or that it may be everything and everything and everything, which is worse.......there are video-game Saturn caverns to be explored............video-games have a purpose...........at least until you beat them...........oh it's such a dark day when you finally beat a game...
* Satan had a Son...
* wait! we're all being controlled by a folding-bone mindcontrol device implanted in all our brains!? by a devil in denim? YES! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! (MAKESENSE)
* ive never seen a yellow rubber-ducky for the tub that was made in yellow yarn before, cool
* take your smartphone. and your smartgun.
* secondary sex organs are first in my book. booking: got a red card for that
* it was all an invasion, you WERE doing something with your life!
* here's the thing: you can only win Anya back by becoming the thing you fear the most: a bug. you won't feel the sex but it'll be kinky, she'll appreciate your love of Kafka.
* satanic bug: but you're just a game.
ginger soldier: your mom's a game. *drops the mic*
satanic bug: you've won every Yo Mama rap battle ever in history and in future forever for infinity even after the glitch.
ginger soldier: i hate you i mean i hate myself.
* better to be bored than nothing
* love the combination Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind/Christmas Day yule log
* the update was buggy. get it?
* listen to the fans. this update will need a patch, God is a smoker. save often. you run the risk that you are a simulation if you run that program. shoulda went running instead.
* God spelled backwards is PONG
* 5/4, don't remind me
* war is easy, love is hard
CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK
happy weekend, my babies. tonight i come out as pansexual, i want to fuck everyone in the world. tomorrow morning i'm gonna wake up and it will all be over. the matches.
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